Sunday, January 29, 2012

Life After Marriage

I'm not going to lie.
Engagement time wasn't fun. I couldn't wait for my engagement to be over, and I recently half jokingly told my husband "I never want to be engaged to you again."
Married life, however, is way better than engagement life. Baruch HaShem Yitbarach Shemo L'ad!!!

While nearly every chatan and kallah want a nice wedding, they must keep in mind that it's not the ikkar. The wedding is just one (extremely important) day; marriage, however, is what needs the real planning, work, effort, time, and investment.

What can I say about marriage?
well there's still a lot to learn, but so far, my favorite dvar Torah about marriage is as follows:

In Masechet Kiddushin, Chazal teach us about the kinyan of the isha. A man can "buy her" (buy - read: acquire) through three ways. From where do we learn this concept of kinyan?
From Avraham and Efron. Avraham purchased maharat hamachpelah from Efron, in order to bury Sara, his beloved wife, in Hevron.

How does that make sense?
We learn MARRIAGE from Avraham buying a GRAVE?
(that is already begging for a marriage joke!)

So, what's going on here?
The answer is very beautiful and applicable. Avraham and Efron were both happy and satisfied with the deal they made. Avraham was happy because he purchased a valuable plot in Eretz Yisrael where his dear wife, himself, and future relatives would be buried. Efron was happy because he got his money.
So too...
A HUSBAND AND WIFE - BOTH - need to feel like they got the best deal ever. They always need to be happy and satisfied. The husband should think "wow, my wife is the best. She's so beautiful, holy, smart, understanding, etc." and the wife should think that her husband is such a wonderful tzadik.
At first, some might think this seems unrealistic -- afterall, doesn't everyone have flaws?
Yes, everyone has flaws, but common advice that was given before: "while dating, keep both eyes open. While married, keep one eye closed." Just because a spouse has flaws doesn't mean that you should focus on the flaws. The key is focus on the positive attributes. The key is to remember why you married that person in the first place. The key is to feel happy and know that HaShem sent you the best zivug ever.
There is nobody like your zivug in the world, and there never was and never will be.
So too with every Jew. YOU are unique. There was NEVER anyone exactly like you before, and there NEVER will be anyone like you. You're the only one who can carry out your life's mission, and you are the only one who can be yourself.

Pretty neat, eh? :)

Sooo, there's a lot to say about life. A lot to say about marriage. A lot to say about Israeli politics. And fruit in sushi. Perhaps we'll add that to the "To be continued..." list.

Shavua tov to all :)


  1. SefardiGal I admire you so much!! I am also a Sefardi girl, and I have recently become more religious than my family, so I LOVE reading your blog it gives me SO much chizuk thank you! i can relate to you soo much in your posts and agree with everythingg you say! I hope that one day, b"H, at the right time, i will meet my zivug and be in a happy, successful relationship with someone who loves me. thank you so much for writing, i hope you continue!
    - Esther

  2. SefardiGal, what is your position on nashim studying Gemara?

    Jewish women have traditionally studied the story parts (Sefer Ein Yaakov) but not the Halachic parts.

    1. I've done Ein Yakov in seminary - it was challenging and illuminating.

      I have briefly done actual halachic Gemara just to learn how the halachic process works.

      That being said, Daas Torah does not seem to favor women learning halachic gemara.

  3. Great dvar Torah. I wrote about a similar idea, commonly known as wearing "Rosy colored glasses" after we got married too:

    Also, welcome back to blogger-land!

  4. I apologize for the delayed response to all of the comments! Bad sefardi gal, bad!

    AnotherSefardiGal - Esther, I'm SO glad you enjoy the posts. Kol Hakavod that you are strenghtening your spiritual level. I know it's not easy to branch away from your family and be "different." May HaShem bless you with health, happiness, clarity, closeness to Him, and b"H your zivug. May your zivug be someone with wonderful middot who will truly love and appreciate you!

    Mr. Cohen - I don't have much of an issue with it, unless women are doing it b'davka and not l'shem Shamayim.

    Aminspiration - I think most Rabbanim would say that halevai women learning gemara should be the most of klal yisrael's problems!
    We need to reach out to those who are not learning any Torah bichlal.

    ShadesofGrey - thank you! I remember that post. I really enjoyed it! And it's so true.