I spoke to you just 2 months ago. You told me how life is just so difficult, and you just want to be married already. I tried to give you chizzuk and told you not to worry. You'll find that special guy. You'll have righteous children.
But I didn't try my best. I wasn't listening to you. I didn't feel your pain strongly enough. I didn't understand the severity of your misery.
And now, 2 months later, you are no longer frum. Shabbat is Saturday. Food no longer needs a hechsher. Activities and hobbies are no longer shiurim and chessed events, but rather bars, clubs, and parties. You've traded your kiki rikkis for arms and collarbones, and your skirts for pants.
You feel that everyone from your previously frum life is judging you. I'm trying not judge you. I'm sure many people have already tried to guilt trip you. To convince you. To make you feel terrible about this choice.
But I don't want to guilt trip you. Nor do I want you to feel terrible. Nor will I explain to you how your averot have consequences and can lead to you not having a share in olam haba.
If you want to give up your olam haba, that is an unfortunate choice, but it is your choice. It is a sacrifice you would like to make in order to (try) to have pleasure in this world.
But my dear, dear friend. Forget olam haba for a minute.
WILL YOU HAVE OLAM HAZEH?
If you're searching for happiness, do you think you'll find it at the club? If you're searching for a kind, caring, loving husband who will make you the only woman in his life & only have eyes for you and no other female, do you think you'll find him at the local bar? If you're aiming to raise righteous, well-behaved, pure children, do you think that behavior will be learned from TV, ipads, and unfiltered internet?
But most of all, how will you have happiness if you don't have HaShem? Having a close relationship with HaShem is the most fantastic feeling in the world. Feeling HaShem's presence and hashgacha in your daily life is the strongest form of joy. If the only reason we're on planet earth is to feel close to HaShem and have a relationship with him, what will be your reason for living? What will be your meaning in life? What will be your direction?
Do you only want to realize the answer to all of these questions when you're 50, when your marriage is failing, your physical beauty is diminishing, and your children are totally secular? What will you do then? Won't you regret that you allowed the best years to slip through your fingers? Won't you despise having an empty life, void of meaning, of destination, of faith?
My precious friend, many people may have given up on you.
But HaShem has not given up on you. You have a holy neshama, and your neshama will always feel misplaced in a body, in a home, that is not serving its' purpose in life.
It is never too late to do teshuva. But there are times when it can be more painful to do teshuva, with many more regrets. Regrets that could have been prevented.
Be wise. Don't wait until the "never too late" point in life.
I pray that you will be on the right derech and realize that running away won't solve any of your problems.