Tzniut: Why The Obsession??

Well, I guess I should already ask for forgiveness before you read this post.
So, please forgive me if any of these concepts are offensive to your lifestyle and standards.
The frum people in this generation seems so obsessed with modesty. Both in left and right wing Orthodox circles. There're so many other mitzvoth/averot to focus on, like, lashon hara, Shabbat, chessed, kashrut, tefilla, etc.
Why is tzniut, particularly, something that is so focused on and emphasized in the Orthodox world? And why do people (particularly women) get so defensive and angry when their modesty standards are challenged?

I guess the answer in a one word nutshell to explain tzniut is: foundation. Tzniut is our foundation for keeping Judaism alive all of these thousands of years.
Chazal teach us (in Bereshit Rabba 18:2) that HaShem told Chava "be modest." Why would that be HaShem's message to Chava?
How about - be a good Jewess? Be nice to others? Help people? Smile? Keep Shabbat?
Chazal teach us that the Jews in Egypt remained Jewish because of their names, clothing, and language.
Our clothes are one of the three things that not only distinguish us but preserve our religion. Our lives. Our reason for being.
So, HaShem was telling Chava the method to keep Am Yisrael alive.

We're living in a generation unlike any other. The amount of openness in the world today is something that was unimaginable just a century ago.
The way celebrities dress today would've probably shocked the average 1950s movie star. In Western society, to fit in, a woman must give up her dignity, class, and refinement and trade in capris for shorts, short sleeves for sleeveless, pants for leggings, and dresses for long shirts. In the warm seasons, it is unusual to see any female with their knees covered, let alone their hair covered.
That might be obvious - like yeah, we're in 2013, of course it's normal not to dress in long skirts & hats! Well, it was actually the norm just a 100 years ago. Women wore dresses. Mini was not an adjective used to describe clothing. Low-cut shirts and tanktops were unheard of. 5 inch pumps were reserved for women of ill-repute. Hats were elegant.
But now?
Every summer I am bewildered at what has happened to society. Where has the class gone? What happened to self-respect? What happened to fashion?
I see how teenage girls dress, and I shudder. I was a teenager just over 10 years ago in a nonreligious school. My 13 year old classmates mothers would've threatened them severely if they walked outside wearing what today's teens wear.
Nobody wore mini dresses to bat mitzvahs. I'd be surprised if anyone even owned a mini anything before high school.
But alas, today, how many mothers blink an eye when their daughters wear short dresses and 5 inch pump heels to their classmates bat mitzvahs?
The standards have clearly been lowered - and that's in only a decade. One can only imagine what modesty standards will be in a decade from now.

So yes, 50 years ago, you didn't have to explain to your daughter why she needs to be modest. There was no need! She would've been modest anyway because everyone ELSE in society (not just in frum circles) was also modest. You didn't have to explain to your daughter why covering your body = respecting yourself. It was understandable. It was a given.
But now, that is no longer a given. Other than not walking on a sidewalk in a bikini, there are no longer any tzniut standards in this society. And, I won't be surprised if that will be the norm in 20 years (after all, people can take a stroll on a public beach boardwalk while wearing a bikini, right?)
Anything goes. Except racism. And homophobia. But short of those select topics + a few others, few actions will make anyone bat an eye.

The Nazis, imach shmam, knew that Germany had a well-renowned, refined culture & was a country full of "the most" polite citizens. How did they convince so many people to be immune (and even join) the intense hatred and slaughter of Jewish German citizens?
In Search Judaism, Rabbi Yitzchok Fingerer reveals the Nazis method for dissentisizing the German nation: inappropriate movies. Yes, the Nazis screened inappropriate movies in public FOR FREE for German citizens. The rationale behind that master plan was that if you show people immoral things, aka pritzut and znut, their whole morale will be lowered.

Chazal teach us that "HaShem hates Zima" - Zima is inappropriate relations and behavior. Basically, anything associated with immodesty.

The Gemara tells us that before Mashiach, "pnei hador k'pnei hakelev" - the generation's face will be like the face of the dog.
There're many explanations to this passage, but the following explanation I heard really hit home for me.
A dog is the only animal that gets offended when you rebuke it. If you scream a cat, snake, or bee, they probably won't flinch. Well, maybe the cat will get scared at the loud noise, but he won't get offended. The dog actually gets offended when screamed at. He will lower his ears and tail, look down at the ground, and whimper.
So, just as the dog is sensitive, so too is the generation before Mashiach.

 So, my friends, this is a sensitive generation. We take everything to heart, and oftentimes, it is difficult to accept the truth. It is difficult to look at ourselves and think that maybe, just maybe, we need to change. Maybe we've been wrong all along.

When the world's morale has gone down, we need to be concerned.
No. Wait. The world's morale hasn't gone down!
That's too generous.
The world's morale is LOST. History.
We can't rely on the world to govern our morals.
As Chazal teach us, in Pirkei Avot 2:6 "in a place where there are no (worthy) men, be a (worthy) man" (man - read: leader). We need to be the leaders; not the followers.
We Jews need to strengthen their morale by setting up gedarim (fences) to protect our children. Anything in the goyish world will infiltrate into our world.
I don't care how extreme that sounds because it is absolutely true. We see anorexia, drugs, severe marriage problems, divorce, all types of addictions, etc. because those issues are all more frequent in the goyish world than they were 50 years ago. And therefore, those tragedies infiltrate into our world.

It is unfortunate and sad how so many frum women view tzniut as the way to be covered while covering as least as possible. Is the goal to blend in with the goyim as much as possible? To appear to be covering nothing while you're secretly covering something?
The yetzer hara can be so strong, but we need to be even stronger.
If one is already wearing tights, then strive for real tights. Not see through, tanned, natural-looks-better-than-my-legs stockings. What's the point of those?
If one is covering her hair, then it should look like she's covering her hair. There are guidelines to sheitels. Just about every Gadol (Ashkenazi AND Sefardi) has assured long wigs, wigs with bangs, pony sheitels, wigs with natural looking parts, etc.
If one is wearing a skirt, then it should be a modest skirt, not a tight, above the knee skirt with a slit in the back. With such skirts, isn't it just more modest to wear pants?

In short, I guess what I'm trying to portray here is:
there's a reason Gedolim like Rav Elyashiv z"l, Rav Ovadia, Rav Wosner, Rav Kanievsky, etc. stress for women in this generation to strengthen their modesty.
if we women are not dressing like Jewish women, then it's not just one mitzvah that's kind of lacking. It's one of the three fundamental basics that's missing from our maintenance of being Jewish.
If we're not dressing properly, our daughters will dress even worse.
If we're not acting like Jewish women should, then our men will be out of line. Our men will not act as Jewish men should.
And then what will be left?
We will be blending in with the people on the streets.
And once modesty is gone, all morale is lost. Anything goes.
A society where "anything goes" is the most dangerous of all.
People get offended because this is a sensitive generation, and it's their very essence that is being challenge. Afterall, "hachitzoniyut marah et hapnimiut" - the outside reflects on our inside. The body is the house of the neshama and is representing our neshamot.

Anyway, I know that this post might be viewed as fanatical by some. And that's fine.
But I respect Rabbis, particularly Gedolim, who dedicate their entire lives to learning Torah, leading am Yisrael, writing books, and utilizing their every breathing second on this earth to do G-d's will.
So, if they say tzniut is the biggest nisayon of this generation, then that's enough for me.
But if that's not enough, just open your eyes and look around. And see the results.

Please note that this post did NOT deal with the halachot of tzniut or essence of modesty. There're beautiful, very logical and spiritual, reasons for why a woman should dress modestly. But that wasn't the topic of this post. :)

May we all be on the right path of Torah & always be close to HaShem and have all of our actions be l'Shem Shamayim.

Whigging it at the Supermarket!

So, I went to the supermarket. Just to pick up a few things.

I heard an Israeli lady say (in Hebrew) "excuse me, lady?" (for all you Hebrew speakers: slicha giveret?)
(note: this convo will be loosely translated, as there are awesome Hebrew words - like cheshek - that just don't have a well fitting word in English!)
I looked around and saw the store manager.
"Yes?" I asked, curiously.
"I was watching you since you entered the store 10 minutes ago--"
uh oh! I was pretty sure I didn't shop lift anything. What'd I do?
"--and I just want you to know... your mitpachat (headscarf/tichel) is stunning! The way you tied it and added the flower is just so beautiful."

I blushed (well, not really. I'm pretty dark, so if my cheeks are pink...it's only due to artificial coloring ;)) and thanked her.
She went on. "You know, I used to have so many mitpachot. I used to cover all of my hair - like you do. But, over the years, I stopped."
I didn't want to tread on anything that wasn't my territory, but hey, this is Israel - we're all family. So, I asked "really? why?"
"I'm not entirely sure." She responded honestly. "Perhaps it just got too hard."
I was quiet and nodded.
"But you know what? Seeing you just made me want to cover my hair properly tomorrow. Yes, yes...I think I'll do it tomorrow!"

Now, here I was. A post partum mother, with barely any sleep, just looking to buy some necessities from the supermarket at 10 pm, and without even realizing - I was inspiring a fellow Jewish daughter of the Master of the World.
My decision to not wear a wig, and instead, to wear a beautiful crown, was one that moved someone (whom I never even spoke to prior to this conversation!) to cover her hair.

Wow.
The koach of doing a mitzvah. The koach of doing something right.
The koach of standing up for what you believe, even if you're standing alone.

I hope this post doesn't sound self-righteous. That's not at all the purpose I'm writing this.
Rather, I'm sharing this incident with y'all because...well, it's so easy to get lost in society libertarian outlook. The "live and let live" kind motto. That's not at all a Jewish hashkafah.
Our hashkafah is: we're all in this boat of life together. Our actions impact the whole world - be it for the good or the bad.

The well known mashal goes that there's a man in a boat, who starts drilling a hole in his seat. His fellow passengers on the boat begin to freak out. "Yo man, whatcha doing?!"
he matter-of-factly defends himself "I'm drilling a hole in my seat, so I can feel the water. Mind your own businness! What do YOU care?"

If you were a passenger, would you care whats he was doing? Of course! Because his seat affects the whole boat being dry or full of water.

Either we're doing a kiddush HaShem or a chilul HaShem. There's no in between.

May we all be zochim to Lkadesh et Shem HaShem baolam hazeh! Shabbat Shalom :)

Wig...off?

Ever since I became religious, I had some kind of deep struggle and interest with the subject of hair covering.

I grew up with three frum families who lived on my block. They were basically the only frum people I've ever seen. When I was around 8 years old, a relative of mine told me those ladies shave the hair on their heads and wear wigs. Needless to say, I was a bit freaked out. I pictured bald women with itchy heads and fake hair and definitely was not attracted to the lifestyle what-so-ever.

When I started displaying more interest in observant Judaism, a friend of mine, who was also growing religiously, told me that it is halacha for a married woman to wear a wig. Defensive and taken aback, I said “what?! No way am I ever shaving my head.” Looking perplexed, my friend said “no…you wouldn’t have to shave. Most women have hair under their wigs. You can ever see the bump from their hair bun under the wig.”

Phew.

I calmed down a bit. And so, I assumed, when I’m ready to date and get married to Mr. Right, I’ll wear a wig. Of course, it’ll be a beautiful, long, fancy, and natural looking wig (with bangs.) Afterall, I was (an am :)) a young lady with beautiful long black hair. No way was I giving that up for a short straw-like wig.

FFWD to a few months later. The same friend told me “you know, I heard there’re issues with Sefardim wearing wigs, and some women don’t wear wigs.” I wasn’t sure what she meant. “Why would there be an issue?”
You see, no one told me that wigs were worn because of modesty. For some reason, it just didn’t cross my mind. I assumed that wigs somewhat served the same purpose of a kippa for a man – a reminder that G-d is above us.
My friend was also not sure why there was an issue, so she decided to ask a lady from our Sefardi-nusach Shul – why some people oppose wigs. It probably wasn’t the best idea, since this lady herself wore a wig and didn’t exactly seem like she was too knowledgeable in halacha. She responded with something along the lines of “there is no problem.”

And so, Sefardi Gal being the curious one that she was (and is), decided to start a research project. And boy, did I research. I read countless books, articles, and teshuvot about the topic. Ad Nauseum.
I went to the mekor M'D'oraita (the source in the written Torah), then the Mishna, the Gemara, the rishonim, and achronim. Ashkenazim, Sefardim, Modern Orthodox liberal, Modern Orthodox machmir, Yeshivish modern, Haredi, Hassidish, American, Israeli...you get the picture.
Even though I so desperately wanted to show hair after being married, I wanted to do the right thing. I questioned myself: do I want to fulfill G-d's will or my own will? Is Judaism a shopping cart where I just pick and choose what's convenient for me and drop what isn't? Do I pick and choose the lenient opinion when I please?

Almost all of the reasons and teshuvot of gedolim seemed to completely dismiss most wigs as proper modest haircoverings.
And once I found out that the main issue with wigs was modesty, I decided that I would never wear a wig. No matter what.

When I started dating, if I ever saw potential with the guy, I asked for his opinion on modesty, in general, as well as wigs. The man’s response often told me a lot about his hashkafah in life. Thankfully enough, I didn’t date many men who wanted to be possessive and make sure their trophy wives look like frum Barbie.
It was also important to me that my husband would support and agree with my decision not to wear wigs because it certainly would be a struggle for me, and I knew that I would need his help. Afterall, it's BECAUSE I'm married to HIM that I need to cover my hair, so he should also take part in the mitzvah.
Will I ever find him? I'd sigh. At times, it was even part of my tefillah - please G-d, help my zivug be someone who doesn't want me to cover my hair with a wig.

My husband actually told me something kind of funny. When dating, he knew he didn't want his wife to wear a wig...to the point that he'd even break off a shidduch if the girl wanted to cover her hair with a wig. When he told one of his relatives (who is not yet observant) that he wants to marry a lady who will only wear scarves, she responded "do you honestly think you'll find such a girl? A young, modern lady who will be willing to cover herself like the grandmothers of the past? Forget about it."
After we were engaged, I met this relative, and she asked me "you're seriously going to cover that beautiful hair of yours? how?!"
For me, the answer was plain and simple: how does any Jew fulfill a mitzvah?
But I wasn't sure she'd understand that answer.

And so…
now that I'm married, I wear scarves every day. I own two subtle hats, but my husband isn’t such a fan of hats, so I mainly stick to scarves. Being that I like fashion and always aim to look good and presentable, I often mix and match different colors, add flowers, lace, headbands, pins, etc. to the scarves. I match my jewlery and make-up with the scarves. Earrings are crucial when wearing scarves! (It happens to be, that I nearly never left the house without earrings even when I was single. Ears look so bare without earrings, and the earrings add such beauty and life to the face. But perhaps that's my own meshugaass. :))
There’s absolutely no reason that scarves need to look shlumpy or raggy. A Jewish woman should ALWAYS look like a queen. Her hair covering is her crown.
I’ve received many compliments, which really helped with my hair covering confidence. (I was VERY attached to my hair when I was single. It was one of my challenges with modesty.)

Sometimes it is difficult – like at weddings or job interviews. But often times, the right thing to do in life isn’t easy. I think of the pasuk from Shlomo Hamelech’s “Eshet Chayil” --“oz v’hadar levusha.” Loosely translated, that means “strength and splendour are her clothing.” I once heard a beautiful and powerful short dvar Torah about that pasuk. Why does it say “OZ” – strength – to describe the way a Jewish woman is dressed? Because it takes a lot of strength to dress modestly. It’s not easy. Sometimes it’s even like war. But once a woman can pass that nisayon – then her clothing is described as “hadar” – splendorous, magnificent, brilliant, and majesty-like.

I might or might not post more about specifically WHY I chose to never wear wigs. (And, of course, which sources. Everything needs a source in Judaism.) I have many stories involving Hashgacha Pratit that helped me decide…as my decision was not easy, nor was it convenient.

Hair-covering (and tzniut, in general) is definitely a sensitive subject that many women seem to take to heart, but at the same time, it’s also an extremely important matter with very little written about the subject in English.
So we’ll see :)

Chag Pesach kasher v’sameach to all!