Chanukah: the Ongoing Battle

There are so many nice themes of Chanukah: light, miracles, emunah, fight for what you believe - even if you're standing alone or are few in number.
Then there are the themes that many people don't like to hear about: yavan, assimilation, materialism, war/death, Jewish infighting.

For me, Chanukah, while being such a beautiful and holy holiday, has a slight ring of sadness to it every year. Why? Because the battle with the yavanim is still going on today.
The Maccabim fought against the Jewish Hellenists. That is, the assimilated Jews. Not just the Greeks.
They defeated the Greeks. But not the Jewish Hellenists, who were Jews that, while they maintained some of their Jewishness, just wanted to be modern Jews accepted by the goyim. We'll keep chagim to a certain extent. But we'll dress Greek, have Greek names, and do Greek activities (like the Olympics).
Sounds familiar?
Yep.

The Greeks valued Chitzonyut. Gashmiut. Outer appearance. Materialism.
The Jews valued morality, Torah learning, modesty, and being separated from anything that did not fit into those three categories.

We are SO fortunate in our generation that we are not persecuted for being Jewish. We have more freedom than ever in history to be as observant as we want without non-Jewish restrictions.
And yet. We have the highest rate of assimilation in this generation.

Chanukah begs every Jew to question: whose side would I be on if the Maccabees went to war today. Would I be on the Maccabees side? Or the Jewish Hellenists side?

May HaShem bless all of us to be on the right path, and may all of our actions be l'Shem Shamayim.
May the light of Chanukah touch every Jew's neshama & inspire all of us to grow closer to HaShem Yitbarach.
Chanukah Sameach :)

We Miss You, Rabbeinu

I write this post with a sad and heavy heart. The passing of HaRav Hagaon Chacham Ovadia Yosef, zecher tzadik l'bracha, is a pain and loss that I can only compare to a person losing both parents in one day, lo aleinu. Although the loss is far, far greater than that.
The world feels like a colder, emptier place.
There's a sadness that lingers in the air here.

Upon reading the news, just minutes after Rav Ovadia's neshama left this olam, I started crying. Just minutes ago, we were reading Tehillim & tikun haklali, praying for the Rav's recovery and checking on his progress on theyeshivaworld.com
My husband had just finished reciting birkat hamazon, and seeing me cry, realized what had happened. We bought cried uncontrollably, and my husband tore kriya.
There was nothing to say. No words of comfort.
And on that note, we headed to the levaya in Jerusalem.

The amount of hakarat hatov, love, and respect that my husband and I have for HaRav Ovadia can not be put into words. Words wouldn't do the emotions justice. All I can say is that it is thanks to HaShem blessing our generation with Rav Ovadia that I am religious. That my husband is religious. And that our children will be religious BH. Without his sefarim & piskei halachot, I have no idea where I'd be today.
His shiurim, genius psakim/sefarim/halachot are what guide me daily, and without HaRav Ovadia, I would be lost.

I now understand Rashi's comments that Aharon HaCohen's sons were like Moshe Rabbeinu's sons, since Moshe was their teacher.
And what a teacher. Wow.

Here's a line from a very moving story that brought me to tears just now. Rav Ovadia told his wife, Rabbanit Margalit Yosef z"l, "give me olam hazeh, and I'll give you olam haba."
That "line" convinced her to marry him.
What olam haba they must have. What a marriage full of kdusha they must've have.

I copy this eulogy (taken from halachayomit.co.il) with tearful eyes & a broken heart. May the zchut of Maran protect us all, and may all of Am Yisrael be on the right path of Torah u'mitzvot:

In the year 5762, with the passing of “the true genius, crown glory of Israel, the great light of the Kingdom of the Talmud and Poskim, the light of Israel, the right pillar, the mighty hammer, an individual unique to the generation, Hagaon Harav Chaim Kreiswirth zt”l” (an excerpt from Maran’s very own eulogy for the Rav), Chief Rabbi of Antwerp, Belgium, Maran Harav Ovadia Yosef zt”l was thrown into great mourning. Maran zt”l was a dear friend of this great sage and Maran would constantly say that the world did not really know who Hagaon Harav Chaim zt”l really was. According to Maran’s words, this was a Torah personality that could not be matched.When Maran zt”l rose to eulogize this giant of Torah, he began by asking, what is this tumult all about? Our Sages tell us (Kiddushin 72b) that “a righteous individual does not depart from this world until another man as righteous as him is created, as the verse states, ‘The sun rises and the sun sets’-before the sun of Moshe set, the sun of Yehoshua rose. Before the sun of Yehoshua set, the sun of Otniel ben Kenaz rose. Before the sun of Eli set, the sun of Shmuel Ha’Navi rose.” This should be our comfort, for another person as righteous as the deceased has surely been born. If so, why do we mourn the loss of the great rabbi so much?
Maran zt”l explained in the name of the commentators that even so, not necessarily will the righteous man just created be as great in Torah as the deceased righteous man, as the Gemara (Baba Batra 75a) states regarding Yehoshua, “the elders of that generation would say, ‘The face of Moshe shined like the sun and the face of Yehoshua shined like the moon.’” This is because the generations become progressively weaker as time goes on and the leader is relative to the generation.
Likewise, we mourn today along with Zion and the nation of Israel, for Hashem has sent us a great redeemer, Maran zt”l, who saved Sephardic Jewry from destruction and raised the glory of Halacha when it was almost completely forgotten from the Jewish nation. This man was the pillar of Torah, kindness, and prayer. He was the leader of the generation in so many ways: In his humility, in his holiness, in his discourses, in his halachic rulings, and in his understanding. Now, we have lost Maran zt”l and as downtrodden as we are, we have no choice but to gather together the remaining Torah sages of our generation and only together will they be able to continue the tradition which Maran pioneered on his own.Many times when speaking with Maran zt”l, we were able to catch a glimpse of his greatness in Kabbalah, which was truly far more advanced than any of the greatest Mekubalim in our generation who have not reached Maran’s level, just as no Torah scholars have reached his level of Torah knowledge in the revealed portion of the Torah.
Besides for Maran’s greatness in Torah, he would perform loving-kindness with all his heart. Maran’s right-hand man, our dear friend Rabbi Tzvi Hakak, recounts that many times, serious questions in Halacha were sent to Maran regarding Agunot (women whose husbands have gone missing and are “tied down” to their husbands and are forbidden to remarry) and children born from forbidden unions (who are prohibited from marrying regular members of the Jewish nation) and Maran told him to place these questions on the desk in his bedroom. At 2:00 AM, Maran zt”l would go to sleep. When Rabbi Hakak would arrive at Maran’s home at 6:00 AM, Maran would already be sitting and learning and would tell him to send the response to the relevant parties immediately, even before morning prayers. Everyone would be flabbergasted, when did Maran find the time to write this lengthy and tedious response?! He only went to sleep four hours before…
We cannot possibly adequately eulogize Maran zt”l, for every single one of his character traits can fill volumes. His tremendous greatness was unfathomable, so much so that two of the greatest Mekubalim of the previous generation, Hagaon Harav Yisrael Abuchatzera zt”l (the “Baba Sali”) and Hagaon Harav Mordechai Sharabi zt”l, attested that Maran’s soul was kept from the times of the Geonim (period preceding that of the Rishonim) and Hashem told Maran’s soul, “Wait until your time comes. During a generation when heresy will spread all over the world, it will be your time to save Israel.”Indeed, it is almost non-existent for a child of six or seven years old to decide to dedicate his life to Torah study. However, when Maran zt”l was all but a young lad, he would sit and learn Torah, Prophets, and Scriptures for hours on end. By the age of ten, Maran had already written unbelieveable novel Torah thoughts (see the biography on Maran, “Abir Ha’Ro’im,” for some incredible pictures of Maran’s handwritten Torah essays when he was a child). At the age of fourteen, he had already mastered the entire Talmud. At the age of twenty-five, he was already greater in Torah knowledge than any Torah scholars living among us today. Maran was a supernatural genius in Torah. Who can replace him?
When contemplateing all of Maran’s accomplishments, we are reminded of Rabbi Chiya about whom the Gemara (Ketubot 103b): “Rabbi Chiya said: I prevented Torah from being forgotten from the Jewish nation, for I planted flax seeds and from the flax that grew, I wove nets and trapped deer. I fed the meat to hungry orphans and I processed the hides to produce parchment and on that parchment I wrote the five books of the Torah and the six orders of the Mishnah. About me did Rabbi Yehuda Ha’Nassi exclaim, ‘How great are the actions of Chiya!’”
Similarly, we exclaim, “How great are the actions of Rabbeinu Ovadia!” With all of his greatness and genius in Torah, he would be able to stand before laymen and speak to them in a language they understood and enjoyed through parables and anecdotes. He would speak about the deepest segments of the Talmud with the Chief Rabbi of Jerusalem, Hagaon Harav Tzvi Pesach Frank zt”l and then hurry off to deliver a Torah lecture to simpletons. He was unable to open a Sephardic Yeshiva because there were no Sephardic Yeshiva boys to learn in it. However, he did not give up; he was relentless. He began by teaching regular working men Torah daily until their children grew up; he troubled himself to place their boys into Talmudei Torah and Yeshivot and girls into Bet Yaakovs. He likewise taught the children Torah himself until many of them flourished into outstanding Torah scholars. In this way, an entire generation that was doomed to straying from Hashem’s path became completely G-d-fearing and Torah observant. Maran indeed “built up Jerusalem with mercy,” for all Sephardic Torah scholars and many Ashkenazi sages who are involved in rendering halachic rulings are all in Maran’s merit. Praiseworthy is the generation which had the merit of being led by Maran.
The entire Jewish nation felt a great void upon Maran zt”l’s passing and the reason for this could very well be because Maran’s soul was tantamount to that of Moshe Rabbeinu whose soul was comprised of all of the souls of the Jewish nation. Thus, anyone with a soul within him felt a great lacking with the passing of Maran zt”l.

May Hashem have mercy on us, the remaining ember of the Jewish nation, and not let us be like a flock of sheep without a Shepherd. May Maran act as a righteous defending angel on our behalf, let him not leave us or forsake us. May his blessings to the entire nation of Israel, whom he loved deeply like a father loves his child and whom he comforted like a mother comforts her child, come to fruition, for indeed, Maran was dedicated to the collective needs of the entire nation with every fiber of his being. May Hashem finally redeem us eternally and may we soon merit witnessing the Resurrection of the Dead at which point Maran zt”l will lead us and teach us once again, Amen.

Tzniut: Why The Obsession??

Well, I guess I should already ask for forgiveness before you read this post.
So, please forgive me if any of these concepts are offensive to your lifestyle and standards.
The frum people in this generation seems so obsessed with modesty. Both in left and right wing Orthodox circles. There're so many other mitzvoth/averot to focus on, like, lashon hara, Shabbat, chessed, kashrut, tefilla, etc.
Why is tzniut, particularly, something that is so focused on and emphasized in the Orthodox world? And why do people (particularly women) get so defensive and angry when their modesty standards are challenged?

I guess the answer in a one word nutshell to explain tzniut is: foundation. Tzniut is our foundation for keeping Judaism alive all of these thousands of years.
Chazal teach us (in Bereshit Rabba 18:2) that HaShem told Chava "be modest." Why would that be HaShem's message to Chava?
How about - be a good Jewess? Be nice to others? Help people? Smile? Keep Shabbat?
Chazal teach us that the Jews in Egypt remained Jewish because of their names, clothing, and language.
Our clothes are one of the three things that not only distinguish us but preserve our religion. Our lives. Our reason for being.
So, HaShem was telling Chava the method to keep Am Yisrael alive.

We're living in a generation unlike any other. The amount of openness in the world today is something that was unimaginable just a century ago.
The way celebrities dress today would've probably shocked the average 1950s movie star. In Western society, to fit in, a woman must give up her dignity, class, and refinement and trade in capris for shorts, short sleeves for sleeveless, pants for leggings, and dresses for long shirts. In the warm seasons, it is unusual to see any female with their knees covered, let alone their hair covered.
That might be obvious - like yeah, we're in 2013, of course it's normal not to dress in long skirts & hats! Well, it was actually the norm just a 100 years ago. Women wore dresses. Mini was not an adjective used to describe clothing. Low-cut shirts and tanktops were unheard of. 5 inch pumps were reserved for women of ill-repute. Hats were elegant.
But now?
Every summer I am bewildered at what has happened to society. Where has the class gone? What happened to self-respect? What happened to fashion?
I see how teenage girls dress, and I shudder. I was a teenager just over 10 years ago in a nonreligious school. My 13 year old classmates mothers would've threatened them severely if they walked outside wearing what today's teens wear.
Nobody wore mini dresses to bat mitzvahs. I'd be surprised if anyone even owned a mini anything before high school.
But alas, today, how many mothers blink an eye when their daughters wear short dresses and 5 inch pump heels to their classmates bat mitzvahs?
The standards have clearly been lowered - and that's in only a decade. One can only imagine what modesty standards will be in a decade from now.

So yes, 50 years ago, you didn't have to explain to your daughter why she needs to be modest. There was no need! She would've been modest anyway because everyone ELSE in society (not just in frum circles) was also modest. You didn't have to explain to your daughter why covering your body = respecting yourself. It was understandable. It was a given.
But now, that is no longer a given. Other than not walking on a sidewalk in a bikini, there are no longer any tzniut standards in this society. And, I won't be surprised if that will be the norm in 20 years (after all, people can take a stroll on a public beach boardwalk while wearing a bikini, right?)
Anything goes. Except racism. And homophobia. But short of those select topics + a few others, few actions will make anyone bat an eye.

The Nazis, imach shmam, knew that Germany had a well-renowned, refined culture & was a country full of "the most" polite citizens. How did they convince so many people to be immune (and even join) the intense hatred and slaughter of Jewish German citizens?
In Search Judaism, Rabbi Yitzchok Fingerer reveals the Nazis method for dissentisizing the German nation: inappropriate movies. Yes, the Nazis screened inappropriate movies in public FOR FREE for German citizens. The rationale behind that master plan was that if you show people immoral things, aka pritzut and znut, their whole morale will be lowered.

Chazal teach us that "HaShem hates Zima" - Zima is inappropriate relations and behavior. Basically, anything associated with immodesty.

The Gemara tells us that before Mashiach, "pnei hador k'pnei hakelev" - the generation's face will be like the face of the dog.
There're many explanations to this passage, but the following explanation I heard really hit home for me.
A dog is the only animal that gets offended when you rebuke it. If you scream a cat, snake, or bee, they probably won't flinch. Well, maybe the cat will get scared at the loud noise, but he won't get offended. The dog actually gets offended when screamed at. He will lower his ears and tail, look down at the ground, and whimper.
So, just as the dog is sensitive, so too is the generation before Mashiach.

 So, my friends, this is a sensitive generation. We take everything to heart, and oftentimes, it is difficult to accept the truth. It is difficult to look at ourselves and think that maybe, just maybe, we need to change. Maybe we've been wrong all along.

When the world's morale has gone down, we need to be concerned.
No. Wait. The world's morale hasn't gone down!
That's too generous.
The world's morale is LOST. History.
We can't rely on the world to govern our morals.
As Chazal teach us, in Pirkei Avot 2:6 "in a place where there are no (worthy) men, be a (worthy) man" (man - read: leader). We need to be the leaders; not the followers.
We Jews need to strengthen their morale by setting up gedarim (fences) to protect our children. Anything in the goyish world will infiltrate into our world.
I don't care how extreme that sounds because it is absolutely true. We see anorexia, drugs, severe marriage problems, divorce, all types of addictions, etc. because those issues are all more frequent in the goyish world than they were 50 years ago. And therefore, those tragedies infiltrate into our world.

It is unfortunate and sad how so many frum women view tzniut as the way to be covered while covering as least as possible. Is the goal to blend in with the goyim as much as possible? To appear to be covering nothing while you're secretly covering something?
The yetzer hara can be so strong, but we need to be even stronger.
If one is already wearing tights, then strive for real tights. Not see through, tanned, natural-looks-better-than-my-legs stockings. What's the point of those?
If one is covering her hair, then it should look like she's covering her hair. There are guidelines to sheitels. Just about every Gadol (Ashkenazi AND Sefardi) has assured long wigs, wigs with bangs, pony sheitels, wigs with natural looking parts, etc.
If one is wearing a skirt, then it should be a modest skirt, not a tight, above the knee skirt with a slit in the back. With such skirts, isn't it just more modest to wear pants?

In short, I guess what I'm trying to portray here is:
there's a reason Gedolim like Rav Elyashiv z"l, Rav Ovadia, Rav Wosner, Rav Kanievsky, etc. stress for women in this generation to strengthen their modesty.
if we women are not dressing like Jewish women, then it's not just one mitzvah that's kind of lacking. It's one of the three fundamental basics that's missing from our maintenance of being Jewish.
If we're not dressing properly, our daughters will dress even worse.
If we're not acting like Jewish women should, then our men will be out of line. Our men will not act as Jewish men should.
And then what will be left?
We will be blending in with the people on the streets.
And once modesty is gone, all morale is lost. Anything goes.
A society where "anything goes" is the most dangerous of all.
People get offended because this is a sensitive generation, and it's their very essence that is being challenge. Afterall, "hachitzoniyut marah et hapnimiut" - the outside reflects on our inside. The body is the house of the neshama and is representing our neshamot.

Anyway, I know that this post might be viewed as fanatical by some. And that's fine.
But I respect Rabbis, particularly Gedolim, who dedicate their entire lives to learning Torah, leading am Yisrael, writing books, and utilizing their every breathing second on this earth to do G-d's will.
So, if they say tzniut is the biggest nisayon of this generation, then that's enough for me.
But if that's not enough, just open your eyes and look around. And see the results.

Please note that this post did NOT deal with the halachot of tzniut or essence of modesty. There're beautiful, very logical and spiritual, reasons for why a woman should dress modestly. But that wasn't the topic of this post. :)

May we all be on the right path of Torah & always be close to HaShem and have all of our actions be l'Shem Shamayim.

Sefardi Gal, Sefardi Gal, find me a find, catch me a...

Whenever you try to set people up and give advice, you take a risk. A risk of hurting them. And that's a big risk.

Several months after getting married, I tried to set up a close friend of mine. Let's call her Dana.
When she heard details about the suggestion, she got annoyed at me.
"But Dana, he has the qualities that really matter! Why don't you just give him a chance?"
Dana told me that I'm "becoming one of the married friends who forgets what it was like to be single."
I sympathized because I remembered such people and how much they would annoy me, but was I really becoming one of them?
I apologized to her and let it go.

BH that friend got married. And whatdya know? It was to a guy who was completely opposite of whom she pictured herself with.
I find that with most couples I know, the gal got married to someone completely different than what "everyone" pictured her with. Be it lookwise, hashkafahwise, personalitywise, etc.

FFWD to a few months ago.
A single friend came over for Shabbat. She lamented about how there are no guys to date, and how strongly she'd like to get married already.
I suggested a great guy who I know, and she seemed interested in all of the qualities that I mentioned. After hearing me out, she asked "did he go to college?"
To be honest, I wasn't sure. So I said so.
"well, in that case, no. I think I need a guy who has a masters."
I tried to convince this friend that a masters or college degree is not what makes someone a  good spouse. In fact, far from it.
What matters is a person's middot, Yirat Shamayim, and mutual chemistry/attraction.
This friend reiterated the same line that my other friend did over a year ago:
"being married made you forget what it's like to be single!"

Silly Sefardi Gal tried to set up a guy. Now, this guy looks around 10 years younger than he really is and is looking for veeeeeerrrryy specific qualities in his wife to be.
He sincerely poured his heart out, hoping for my husband and I to have sympathy. We had sympathy. Well, perhaps my husband had more than I did, since he is also a man and has better middot than I do. :D
I told the guy "listen, if you want to get married. Cut down your list and stop looking for the shtuyot. Find a woman who has Yirat Shamayim, good middot, and is fine looking, and just GET MARRIED BEFORE YOU TURN 40 and have very few women available to date."
Once you turn into an older single, you lose the liberty to be so particular.

I should just tape my mouth shut.
I apologized profusely, hoping I didn't offend him.

Sometimes being married for 2 years makes me feel like a know it all. I know. Pathetic. I have a lot to learn.
But I so often hear singles demanding qualities in a spouse that just DON'T MATTER in a successful marriage, and the obsession of those qualities is what is holding them back from finding a proper mate.
I wish my single friends would just take the time to LISTEN to people who have experience, as opposed to solely listening to their single friends who are trapped in the same boat of uncertainty.

So please, all of the singles, stop looking for the shtuyot. Look for the real deal because your husband's master degree is not what will make your marriage fulfilling, and your wife's hair color is not what's going to bring the Shechina into the home.
May HaShem grant us all with what's good for us and what we need.

Heart Healing

(Whoa! Two posts in one day?
What can I say...I'm an extreme person at times.)

Ever had your heart torn into pieces and then had the perpetrator dance the cha cha all over it?

There's a reason why, my friends! 

Ok...this post is coming at a really random time because I wanted to write about this ages ago and then forgot. So, now that I remember, I really hope it'll give chizzuk to whomever.

Anyone remember my Green Monster post?
It's no longer up here. (There's no proof that I wrote it!! Mwahahaha)
Basically, the post was about how there was a guy I was positive I was going to marry. I obsessed over him for weeks until finally he asked around about me, and we were going to date and then marry and live happily after.
That is... only after he'd finish taking his finals, of course.

My best friend told me to cool it down. I was getting too worked up.
She was right.

Well, anyway, as I was planning our wedding,
I had a friend tell me that she's dating an amazing guy.
Really? Awesome.
Totally not politically correct in the world of shidduchim, but I asked her for his name.
And then my heart sank.
It was the guy. The one who was supposedly too busy to date me because he was taking his finals.

Needless to say, I was crazy. And heart broken.
It wasn't her fault at all, but I was mad at this friend. Afterall, I was nuts. And had heart pains.

Anyway, eventually, I got over it and was super happy for her.
And super miserable for my single self.

FFWD to after I met my hubby.

I saw this friend, and we were catching up. My hubby and her hubby began talking, and then were standing in front of us.
I took one look ahead and thought "wow. My husband is so much kinder, smarter, holier, and better looking than that guy is! How could I have ever been so nuts to think that other guy would be my fiance?!"

Yeah. It was a super great moment.

I went through many heartbreaks while dating. In particular, there were four guys who I dated and wanted to marry. All four didn't want me.
Each time, it was tragic. I indulged in many gummy candies and morbid break up songs.

There're times when I ponder about what my life would've been like if I married any of those guys. And then I realize: wow. How good HaShem is! How generous and kind. How he protected me from being in a bad marriage, and how my husband is so much better than all of them combined :)

The song "ki hirbeta tovot elai, tovot elai" pops into my head. (See link below.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lmL6LkjqbI

We often only see HaShem's chessed in hindsight, but boy is it amazing when we see how He watches over us.

So all you singles still in solo land --

BH you'll see one day how every single heartbreak was for the best. Just keep HaShem in the picture, and daven daven daven!

BTW, all 4 of them are still single (at least, the last time I heard of them or saw them.) And Mr. Sir had another broken engagement. What a surprise.

Ok I should stop being mean.
I'm sorry. I hope all four of you bachelors get married. To amazing women. Really.
(so that those women will change you and help you stop being losers.)
Omgosh, stop it Sefardi Gal. That was SO rude.

Shabbat Shalom u'Mevorach to all :)

Whigging it at the Supermarket!

So, I went to the supermarket. Just to pick up a few things.

I heard an Israeli lady say (in Hebrew) "excuse me, lady?" (for all you Hebrew speakers: slicha giveret?)
(note: this convo will be loosely translated, as there are awesome Hebrew words - like cheshek - that just don't have a well fitting word in English!)
I looked around and saw the store manager.
"Yes?" I asked, curiously.
"I was watching you since you entered the store 10 minutes ago--"
uh oh! I was pretty sure I didn't shop lift anything. What'd I do?
"--and I just want you to know... your mitpachat (headscarf/tichel) is stunning! The way you tied it and added the flower is just so beautiful."

I blushed (well, not really. I'm pretty dark, so if my cheeks are pink...it's only due to artificial coloring ;)) and thanked her.
She went on. "You know, I used to have so many mitpachot. I used to cover all of my hair - like you do. But, over the years, I stopped."
I didn't want to tread on anything that wasn't my territory, but hey, this is Israel - we're all family. So, I asked "really? why?"
"I'm not entirely sure." She responded honestly. "Perhaps it just got too hard."
I was quiet and nodded.
"But you know what? Seeing you just made me want to cover my hair properly tomorrow. Yes, yes...I think I'll do it tomorrow!"

Now, here I was. A post partum mother, with barely any sleep, just looking to buy some necessities from the supermarket at 10 pm, and without even realizing - I was inspiring a fellow Jewish daughter of the Master of the World.
My decision to not wear a wig, and instead, to wear a beautiful crown, was one that moved someone (whom I never even spoke to prior to this conversation!) to cover her hair.

Wow.
The koach of doing a mitzvah. The koach of doing something right.
The koach of standing up for what you believe, even if you're standing alone.

I hope this post doesn't sound self-righteous. That's not at all the purpose I'm writing this.
Rather, I'm sharing this incident with y'all because...well, it's so easy to get lost in society libertarian outlook. The "live and let live" kind motto. That's not at all a Jewish hashkafah.
Our hashkafah is: we're all in this boat of life together. Our actions impact the whole world - be it for the good or the bad.

The well known mashal goes that there's a man in a boat, who starts drilling a hole in his seat. His fellow passengers on the boat begin to freak out. "Yo man, whatcha doing?!"
he matter-of-factly defends himself "I'm drilling a hole in my seat, so I can feel the water. Mind your own businness! What do YOU care?"

If you were a passenger, would you care whats he was doing? Of course! Because his seat affects the whole boat being dry or full of water.

Either we're doing a kiddush HaShem or a chilul HaShem. There's no in between.

May we all be zochim to Lkadesh et Shem HaShem baolam hazeh! Shabbat Shalom :)

Take a second look

I looked in the mirror.

Here I am.

A young married woman. Wearing a headscarf. Wearing a long sleeved shirt, long skirt, and socks, in the hot summer-like weather.

What do I do? I learn. I daven. I work. I do laundry. I cook. I clean.

I pictured myself...for just a split second...
not on this path. Scary thought.

Who would I be? How would I act? What would I look like?

What are most 20-something year old not-yet-religious or not Jewish gals, my age, doing at this point in life?
Learning: college. Masters. PHD. Pursuing a career.
Partying at night and wearing the latest fashions.
Food is take out or instant soup or cereal.
Laundry? HA! I have no clue how to do laundry. It gets sent out once a month or her mom just does it.
Marriage isn’t really on their mind. Having kids and raising a family definitely isn’t on the list until age 30. At least!
I know. Some of you are thinking about the exceptions to the rule – hey how about this girl I know? She’s not frum, but she’s 25 and wants to get married now.
Sorry. She’s the exception. It’s simply not the norm.
Who’s the typical young woman in secular society? Beautiful, fit, fashionable, goes to the gym, educated with at least two degrees, parties but doesn’t bring her party girl spirit to the work place, open to all experiences, all viewpoints, all people, has a liberal attitude towards life, tech-savvy, sends 200 text messages a day, and of course, has an up-to-date facebook account.

As I gazed more intently into the mirror – I found myself being so grateful to HaShem. Thank YOU HaShem for saving me…I could’ve been so lost. I grew up in that world, in that type of school, social setting, family, etc. where I could be the same age right now, but on a completely different and wrong direction in life. I could be dressing immodestly, posting my pictures on facebook – just to show everyone that I was “out”, having 1000 male friends and very few, if any, real female friends, and being completely lost and trying to fill that emptiness by partying, clubbing, drinking, doing drugs, watching movies, being tech-obsessed,  reading all of the latest magazines and spending a fortune on all of the latest trends, etc.
But no. That’s not my life.  Thank G-d.

All these thoughts passed through my head within seconds.

Later, I shared these thoughts with my husband and said “living that life is simply a completely different reality.”

I said that knowing that's probably what many women would think about me, as well. The "religious reality" vs. actual reality.

But who really has the REAL reality?

He then shared something that made a strong impression on me:
“Sefardi Gal, HaShem gives every individual in this world a certain amount of energy and time. Everyone is going to get tired somehow. At the end of the day, everyone has 24 hours a day. We choose how to spend it.”
That means…
Everyone has to go to work. Everyone has to get dressed. Everyone has to eat, speak, function, etc.
But HOW each individual does these seemingly mundane acts makes the difference between holiness and haughtiness. Clarity and confusion. Fulfilment and emptiness.
So, yes, everyone needs clothing. I need clothes. But what kind of clothes do I wear? Are they modest? Do I wear them just because everyone else does, or because this is truly the way I believe and know that a person is supposed to dress.
Yes, I need to speak and communicate. But what kind of words do I use? Do I speak with a harsh tone, do I go around gossiping, speaking lashon hara, cursing, insulting others, etc.? Or do I speak pleasantly, kindly, honestly, positively?

I’m not sure if I’m conveying the point well enough. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

We are allotted so many gifts in this world. We choose whether to properly use them, abuse them, or not use them at all.
A Jew should always strive to use his gifts as much as possible. To use every emotion, every body part, every status, every part of himself to serve HaShem in the best way possible. To elevate everything and everyone around him. To make mundane acts become wondrous, holy acts that lead him to be closer to HaShem yitbarach.

May we take this outlook and apply it during this incredible new year of 5773. A belated Shana Tova to all!

I will try to update this blog more often, but I must say bli neder because…well…
I’ll be busy doing laundry and cooking aka striving to upgrade the mundane to holiness :D
Shabbat Shalom!

The World Won't Understand

I recently saw a married friend.
She was pushing her baby stroller down the block and then noticed me.
And chatting time began.
“so, how ‘s dating going?” she asked.
(you can use your imagination about how I answered)

She smiled and told me “you know, when I was dating, the problem was, every guy was interested in me. And every single time, I was like ‘well, I guess, I could be married to him.’”
What she said goes along with my “theory” – it’s easy to get married. It’s not so difficult to find someone who thinks you’re pretty great and wants to spend his life with you. (Sorry, I hope that doesn’t sound obnoxious.)
So, the goal is not just to get married. The goal is to find the right person; the person whom you need. The person who can help you develop to the person that you need to become.
It’s not that I feel like nobody likes me. Or that I don’t get along with anybody.
Sure, I’ve had my share of unsuccessful dates. And just plain ol' WEIRD (not the good kind of weird) experiences. But overall, most of the guys are pretty nice, but just not for me because something is missing. The missing factor is usually due to personality clashes, religious differences, etc.
But it’s never like “omgosh waaa waaa boo hooo, I go out with all these guys, and they’re all amazing and nobody ever likes me!!”

So, sometimes, it makes me wonder.
What’s wrong with me? I mean, I know I’m a weirdo. And a little bit nutty.
Am I a hopeless case?
Am I being too picky?
Should I just “settle”?

The tachlis (love that ashki word!) answer is no. I’m not going to settle. I know that none of these guys are my zivug. I’m looking for the right person for me. My goal is not just marriage. It’s a successful marriage. My true other half; my essence; the person who understands every fiber within me and appreciates me. And that shouldn’t be one sided. I want the passion and empathy to be mutual.

And now, children, it’s time for North & South. Mr. Thornton will allow me to mope with hope.

Hands...Off?

One of the (countless) concepts I love about Judaism is the Torah's approach towards relationships. I think that if BOTH spouses 100% fully follow the Torah's advice (obviously, that includes Torah Sheh B'al Peh and Chazal's adivce) towards relationships & marriage, then they're bound to have a happy marriage.

I remember when I was first doing teshuva and learning about shomer negia, abstinence before marriage, hilchot nidda, the chuppah, and the obligations of a husband and wife, I was shocked. I was at awe at how beautiful and true everything really is. How much logical and emotional sense it all made.

Some time shortly before seminary, I remember learning about the concept of tzniut between a husband and wife. I didn't understand why they can't touch in public. C'mon, they were shomer negia for so long, and now they're MARRIED! Give them a break.
I didn't understand. I didn't want to listen.
Same thing happened at seminary. I saw how physically distant the religious married couples were, and I just couldn't sympathize. I always pictured a husband and wife to be showingly affectionate; not through major PDA form, but you know...like holding hands or stuff like that.

Not too long ago, I was discussing with a friend how certain hashkafic concepts that I "rejected" during seminary, I now totally agree with. Why? Because I've experienced situations that led me to realize how truth about what my teachers and Rabbanim were preaching.

I finally noticed the emet and importance of tzniut and lack of public physical contact between a husband and wife.

I saw somebody I know who recently got married. She was always a very quiet, sweet girl. Very modest with her actions and mannerisms. She was with her husband, and they kept touching. Holding hands, hugging, etc.
I felt myself cringe. Not out of disgust or jealously. Rather, this cringe was out of discomfort. It was at that moment that I realized how important it is to conceal physical touch in public places.
1) Touch is special. It's intimate. It's reserved for the husband and wife. Alone. When one has something precious, (s)he doesn't show it off to the whole world. Rather, (s)he keeps it in a safe or private, unknown area.
2) It can easily make other people feel uncomfortable. Nobody, especially shomer-negia singles, want to see that. The only people who might appreciate the couple's lovie dovie antics are their parents and old people.
3) Sometimes it seems as if the couple is insecure in their own relationship, and therefore, feels the "need" to prove their affections to themselves by flaunting to everyone around them. I have a friend who recently got divorced. A lot of our friends were shocked because, apparently, she and her husband always posted pictures of themselves - touching, looking happy, smiling, going ice-skating, etc.
Their facebook statuses were often "I love my wife!" or "thank you so much to the best husband in the world for driving me to work today!"
6 months later...divorced.
Initially, I was also surprised and of course, upset, about the news. However, after one intently focuses on the details, it isn't so surprising that such a public relationship failed.

Just to clarify: I don't think that means couples should be cold or robotic. I just think the public affection should be kept to a minimum.

Just some food for thought.

Little Boys Love Me

I love kids. I do. Really.

Some gals are very mushy gushy when it comes to babies and kids and MUST speak in baby talk language to them.
I don't baby talk.

Okay. Fine. Maybe sometimes. But for the most part, I don't.

One thing I've learned from babysitting/being around kiddos at my friends' homes or by a family for Shabbat is that little boys (mainly between the ages of 3 to 9) have strong feelings towards me. I have no clue why...

It all started in Shul when I was 15. A mischevious little 8 year old boy became obsessed with me. He started off saying insulting remarks to all the girls, throwing things at them, etc. and then one day, he started holding my hand and telling me how wonderful I am.
A look of panic crossed my face. I turned to my friend in desperate need of help -- GET HIM AWAY!!!
But no.
He had plans.
He wanted to marry me.
His most prized posession was the candy that he collected at Shul. Perhaps he would sell the candy to buy me a $5 ring. Real plastic and all.

I tried to run away and avoid him. But it worked to no avail.
I think his infatuation with me finally ended when he grew up & I switched Shuls.

Another boy was a cute little 5 year old of a family I went to for Shabbat. He kept following me around the house and asking if he can stay in the same room as me. No, you may not.
He wrapped his arms around my waist and said "I want to marry you."

The most recent one was an 8 year old who was obsessed with saying that everything is "not tznius!"
Apparently, everything was immodest. Except me.
He handed me a paper flower he made.
He asked me if he can sit by me.
Sure.
Then, as I was reaching for something on the table, he took my hand and kissed it.

My friend was laughing and getting a good kick out of it, but I have yet to learn how to respond to all of these prepubescent affections.

Maybe these boys should give some tips to the "real men" who have commitment-phobia. :D

How Sweet It Is

This past Tuesday, my not-yet-religious relative went to do some quick grocery shopping. She saw a religious man, with nice, kind eyes, small white peyot, a long white beard.
They were both picking out some grapes from the produce section.
"How are the grapes? Are they good?" The religious man asked my relative.
"I think so. Why don't you taste one and find out?"
"No, I can't. It wouldn't be right."
"But you're tasting in order to buy them! Why not?"
"No. I can't. If I'd like to taste it, I have to first ask permission from the seller."

My relative was sure that the seller would refuse.

The man came back a minute later and said "yes, the seller permitted me to try the grape." He tried one, liked it, and bought the bunch of grapes.

Shocked, this relative told me "you know, it never even occurred to me...that a person has to ask. I was so proud of him for conducting himself in such an honest way. Kol Hakavod."

In the Shacharit tefillah of "Ahavat Olam", we ask HaShem to help us "lilmod u'lelamed" - to learn and to teach.
Our actions are the best teachers. Always attempt to act in a straight, rightful way because your actions are examples. HaShem is always watching us, but there are also people watching and learning from even your simplest decision.

A friend of mine recently shared a fantastic concept with me. Simply put: "every time you say no to something, you're saying yes to something else. Every time you say yes to something, you're saying no to something else."

I wonder if any of them made grape kabobs. That picture is making me hungry.

Shabbat Shalom u'Mevurach!

The Right Choice

I'm a big fan of games. Board games, video games, computer games, and...
mind games.
Even more so, I'm a fan of "if you HAD to choose..."
Some of my friends and I joke around -- like "if you had to choose between having 2 noses or 4 ears, which would you choose?"

Sometimes, a serious one pops up. I remember my best friend and I having that discussion many moons ago. It was an externally quiet night, but if my inner-turmoil could be heard, the noise would be pretty deafening.

We were taking a walk and decided to sit down on a nearby bench and spill our hearts out to each other. We were both overcoming messy break-ups/relationships and were just...
*sigh*
miserable. Heartbroken. Forlorn.
She was thinking of her mister, and I was thinking of Mr. Sir (if any of my long-time readers remember him from previously deleted posts...yep, it's the same Mr. Sir.)
My best friend and I looked into each other's eyes. Our heads slightly bent to the side. One of us popped the question: "if you had to get married & spend your life with one guy that you know...any guy that you know - who would you choose?"
Ironically enough, she chose her mister, and I chose Mr. Sir. A decision made despite both of them doing the salsa, cha-cha, and macarena dance all over our hearts and leaving us to suffer.
"Why would you choose him?" She asked.
"Well, I suppose out of everyone I've dated, he's the one I've felt most secure and comfortable with, and I was & still am very emotionally connected to him."
She nodded in agreement. And we sat in silence for a while.
I've had happier evenings.

Yep. It was gloomy. I remember the feeling so vividly...the feeling strikes me inside, somewhere...maybe my neshama. It's like this stinging feeling combined with cringing and butterflies.
If that makes sense.

FFWD to many moons later...AKA now/not too long ago.
The same question came up in my mind. Except, my outlook is different, and therefore, my answer has changed.
Mr. Sir is gone. Thankfully, he's not a motivating factor for much in my life anymore. I've come to realize that my reasons for choosing him were entirely self-centered. I felt secure. I felt emotionally connected. I felt comfortable. But what about him? A relationship can't be based on one person. It takes two. As cheesy and cliche as it may sound, nevertheless, it takes two to become one.
And so, I started thinking about the list: out of all the guys I know and dated, who would I choose?
And so I thought...
and thought...
and reminisced...
about:
-the rich ones
-the physically attractive ones
-the very frum ones
-the intelligent ones
-the rebellious ones/bad-boy-types

and I realized...NO. I wouldn't choose any of them.
The one I'd choose is the one who had amazing middot. Who was kind, understanding, giving, caring, sensitive, warm, and friendly. The one who treated me like a person and respected me, and as a result, made me feel comfortable. He was interested in me...for me. He genuinely appreciated me. Not for artificial reasons.
The one I'd choose would be that one. The one who every time he sees me, he stops to say hello and wishes me well. The one who I'm 100% sure prayed for me, regardless of the fact that I was the heartbreaker who (perhaps, prematurely) ended the relationship.

For all the singles out there, I think it's beneficial to ponder: who would you choose? And why?
Your reasoning is very important because it'll help direct you with prioritizing your "list". It'll make you realize what really counts in a spouse, and what you should really be focusing on when you're dating.

So, nuuu??? Where are my tefillot going???

Some of you might've had a great davening yesterday. Or maybe last week. Maybe last year. 2 years ago? But if you ever had a GREAT davening, you REMEMBER it. "Oh boy, how I cried that day to my Father in Heaven." Or "wow, I remember that time when I read the whole sefer Tehillim" or the whole section of "Yom Rishon" in Tehillim, or maybe the first time you read Perek Shira or Shir Hashirim or Iggeret HaRamban. Or perhaps that day that you were quite meticulous with shmoneh esreh and enounciated all the words clearly, didn't allow your thoughts to drift to irrelevant matters, and had all of the right kavanot.
Point is - everyone remembers the enthusiastic times.
And yet - some of us might wonder, wait a minute...when did I ever get answered?

Maybe you cried and prayed with INTENSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEE kavana asking for your special holy zivug hagun, and what happened?? A shadchan called you the next day and...suggested a person who is totally not shayach! HaShem, what's up with that? What's going on?

(Or better yet, the shadchan suggests someone who you go out with, think is amazing, but OH WAIT he's not interested. Hypothetically, of course.) :D

Rabbi Fischel Shachter told over a beautiful story. There was a frum gal who, like just about all of the single frum ladies in their early 20s, wanted to get married. A relative of hers told her "Chanale, Purim is coming up. You know that Purim is a huge zman tefillah - it's an amazing opportunity for HaShem to answer your tefillot. Pray with much kavana." Chana was inspired to pray that Purim. She had so much to ask for, particularly--her special zivug. She recited the whole book of Tehillim, prayed Shemoneh Esreh, and davened everything carefully and with MUCH kavana.
After Purim, she was certain her tefillot went straight to Shamayim and was expecting results soon.
She waited.

And waited.

Right before the next Purim was approaching, her relative called her, again. "Chanale, remember - Purim is such an important and special day for prayer! Pray. Pray your heart out."
Chana, a bit disheartened from dating, still had emunah. She was determined to pray intensely, and thought, "THIS Purim will be my last Purim as a single lady."
And so, Purim came.
She prayed. The whole sefer Tehillim! Again. She made sure to concentrate and clearly recite all of the precious words. She felt so connected to HaKadosh Baruch Hu.
Purim was over. Chana was on a high. She was sure HaShem wouldn't let her down. She envisioned meeting her zivug any day that week...or next week...or perhaps in a few months. But SOON.
She was already envisioning her wedding.
Except...
much like the year before, no zivug. No engagement. No Wedding. No husband.

Well, next Purim was approaching. Her relative called her and told her a third time - "Chanale! Purim is so soon. Remember to daven!!! DAVEN!!!!"

C'mon, really? She said the whole sefer Tehillim last Purim. And the Purim before that.
She had so much kavana during shacharit, mincha, etc. She was happy. She cried. She had spent the whole day praying! Tefillah wise, She had done nearly all that she possibly could on Purim.
And yet...here she was. Still single. Still a half of a whole.

Why was this year going to be different?
She didn't give up, though. She prayed that Purim. Again, the whole sefer Tehillim, with much kavana.

And some time before the next Purim, she found her zivug. They dated, got engaged, and got married.

A year later, Purim was approaching again, and she was now happily preparing Mishloach Manot with her husband. She gazed at him and smiled.
"You know, Purim is the reason we got married." She said.

Her husband looked very surprised and told her "wait a minute, I never told you the story about Purim? How did you know that?"

Chana listened anxiously, as her husband unfolded his secret journey:
"I wasn't always the same person that you know today. I used to be different. As you know, I grew up frum, but around 5 years ago, I started hanging out with the wrong crowd. Unfortunately, Torah and mitzvot were no longer prevalent in my life.
Purim was approaching, and I wasn't planning on celebrating it at all. My friends and I passed a Beit Midrash, and we saw people dancing, singing, and celebrating. My friends sneered and said 'let's join and get crazy drunk.'
So, we went inside. I was just planning to have a couple of drinks and leave, but suddenly, I felt my neshama bursting out. My friends wanted to leave, but I stayed. I rejoiced in Purim and felt HaShem again. I cried out 'HaShem, please keep me away from the people who are drawing me away from You! I want to walk in the right Jewish path again!'
I was determined to become a better person.

However, my resolution didn't last for long. I found myself back on the streets with the wrong crowd.
Next Purim came, and at night, as my friends and I were on the streets, a bunch of bachurim were celebrating and saw us. They figured out that we're Jewish and joyously escorted us with them to the Shul. As we were dancing, just like the year before, I felt the holiness of Purim again. My heart stirred, and I wanted to yell 'HaShem, make me close to You again! Please keep me away from the evil path of life!"
I was so set on disinvolving myself from my bad influences. I told myself: 'I will be better now! I'm a changed man.'

But similar to the year before, I went back to my old ways.
I was lost and caught up again by my yetzer hara.

Soon enough it was Purim again. Lo and behold, I found my way back into a Shul again. I had more fire in me than ever before. I felt HaShem, and now I was beyond determined. I prayed to Him that I find guidance and the right derech. The last 2 years didn't stick but...
baruch HaShem, I stayed on the derech that year. I became fully frum again and worked on myself, constantly growing better.

Once I was solid in my fundamentals, I was ready to get married. And then HaShem sent you to me."
Now, I don't really know what Chana responded after that part. But I can imagine that she was like WHOA. So my tefillot WERE working -- I was praying, not just to meet him, but for him to reach the state of maturity and readiness to truly be my zivug.
Finally, she received closure for all the lack of clarity that existed during those bitter periods of singlehood.

When I heard this story (the 2nd time), I was really moved. A lot of times we pray with sincere and intense kavana. We beg HaShem and pour our hearts out, and after we're finished, we're 100% positive that we've made an impression and a change will soon occur in our lives.
And yet...
we find ourselves stuck in the same position, with our predicament not changing.
However, our predicament IS changing - we just don't see the results yet. When Chana was praying for her zivug, she had no idea that he wasn't ready yet. She was praying for herself. And when she didn't see results for HERSELF, she felt a sense of failure.
But failure is far from the reality! Had she not prayed, who knows when her zivug would've been ready? By praying for herself, she was really praying for the well-being of her other half.

She thought her tefillot weren't being answered, but they were. And what would have happened if she had just stopped praying? Perhaps her zivug would have never been ready. Or would have became ready 10 years later.
Her strong tefillot every single Purim are what led her zivug to reach his true potential and become worthy of meeting her at the most appropiate time possible.

This Taanit Esther & Purim, we have an amazing opportunity. We can pray for Klal Yisrael, for ourselves, our families, shalom bayit, parnassah, zivugim, refua shlemah, doing teshuva, mashiach, etc.!
Purim day is one of the biggest days (if not the ultimate day) for Tefillah. In fact, Yom Kippur, such a holy day -- is compared to Purim. "Yom Kippur" is "Yom K'Purim" - a day LIKE Purim.
We have the potential to reach the highest heights of closeness to HaKadosh Baruch Hu. We don't have to be Rabbanim or huge tzadikim to reach this lofty height. We just need to be willing to pray and form a connection. If we do, there's no limit to the impact we can make.
Even if we don't see the impact right away, that doesn't mean that HaShem is not "working" on your case. HaShem runs the world, and He knows what He's doing! We must never feel disheartened. There is ALWAYS a solution and "refua" waiting. Remember, HaShem never creates the maka (plague) without the refua (salavation/recovery).

This story also works well with the concept of nistar. HaShem's Name isn't mentioned even once in the Megillah, yet if we delve more closely, He's alluded to in EVERY SINGLE pasuk!
On Purim, we dress up in costumes. If a person wears an animal mask and furry outfit, he's barely recognizable. But is that person still the same person inside? Of course! On the surface, his identity is hidden, but if one looks deeper - he'll see that the man behind the animal mask, in fact, his friend.
That's the concept of "nistar" - HaShem is hidden from us, but it doesn't mean that His essence of goodness is not here. He's always with us, we just need to take a closer look and find Him in our every day lives.
There is NEVER a hopeless situation. Please remember that in regards to whatever problem it is that you're dealing with in life!

May all of our Tefillot be answered l'tova, and may the holiness of chodesh Adar and Purim bring us all closer to HaShem! :)

Holding Back

That's what I've been doing. You see, I have tons of posts just BEGGING me to click the "publish post" orange box thingy.
But...I can't. I'm not sure my editor would approve.

Yet, the thought still lingers. To post or not to post, that is the question.

Coming Out of The Cocoon

In case y'all didn't notice yet, I'm a fan of those inspirational chizzuk stories. I find that (at times) the most powerful stories that are the ones that you or someone that you know personally experienced. I have a phenomenal story to share about a very special friend of mine. This lady is truly a tzadika, and I hope my readers will be moved by this as much as I was (if not more!)

(note: the facts are true, but I edited names for the sake of anonymity.)

Around two years ago, a close friend of mine threw a challah & bracha party.

For those who are unaware, a challah & bracha party is basically when a bunch of people (usually of the female persuasion :)) get together and bake challot and make brachot on various foods & answer "amen" to each other's brachot.
Baking challah is a very special mitzvah, and that time is a strong "et tefillah" (time for prayer) -- so that's an especially auspicious to ask HaShem for whatever our heart desires.

The bracha part is when foods from each "bracha category" are beautifully presented and arranged on a table. The brachot are recited in the following descending order: "Mezonot" (food made from the 5 grains) => "Hagefen" (grapejuice or wine) => "Ha'etz" (fruits that grow on a tree) => "Ha'adama" (vegetables that don't grow on trees) => Shehakol (all other foods)
Some people also add "besamim" (a bracha on fragrances)

Each bracha is a "segulah" for a particular salvation:
Mezonot - Parnassah
Hagefen - Shidduchim/Marriage
Ha'etz - Children/Pri Beten
Ha'adma - Refua Shlemah
Shehakol - anything else (Mashiach, Geula, Shalom Bayit, success in school, etc.)
Besamim - Chazara b'teshuva (to do teshuva)

Before reciting the bracha, you take the food in your right hand and close your eyes and say the Hebrew names of the people who need the segulah that your particular bracha stands for. So, let's say before saying "ha'adma", you says the names of all of the ill people who needs a speedy recovery. Then, you makes the bracha with kavana and everyone else responds with a loud "AMEN!"
When one answers amen, one creates a malach. Chazal teach us that the "amen" is more important than the bracha -- therefore, one should always make brachot aloud and around people whenever possible in order for the "amen" to be recited.

Now, when there are a lot of people, there are usually 3 groups for each bracha. First, one group makes the bracha simultaneously, and everyone from the other group answers amen. The second group then makes the bracha simultaneously, and everyone responds amen. The 3rd group is only one person who REALLY needs that yeshua -- for ex, an older single will be the last one to say the bracha of "hagefen" - and everyone answers amen. That person is called "the closer."

While all of this is going on, the challah is baking in the oven and the special aroma is enveloping the apartment or house.
If anyone is interested in learning more about the power brachot/amen, I highly recommend reading this book.
Below are pictures that I've taken at Challah/Bracha parties that I've attended:



Now that we all understand what a challah & bracha party is, let's move on :)
So I was at that special event around 2 years ago. A close friend of mine, Natalie, was moving to Israel for a year, and she invited all of her friends over. At this party, I noticed a beautiful married lady. She stood out because she was wearing a vibrant colored headscarf that perfectly matched her modest outfit. She looked fashionable and tznua (modest) at the same time. She had a huge smile on her face the whole time and was very friendly. She looked pretty young, around 25 years old, and I figured that she probably has one or two kids and with that happy attitude, she is probably an amazing mommy.
Natalie introduced her to us. Tziporah was this special lady's name. Apparently she was a fashion designer and had a boutique full of modest clothing. In fact, my friend who was throwing the party was dressed impeccably, and turns out -- that's how Natalie met Tziporah. She was looking for an outfit for the party, went to Tziporah's boutique, and they instantly hit it off as friends, and she invited her to the challah & bracha party.

The summer night was going great. Everybody was in an uplifted and joyful mood. Because most of the gals who attended were single, a decision was made that we would first say our names and/or names of other singles we know, and we would each recite an individual brachot of "hagefen" and everyone would answer "amen!" Because there were around 35 single ladies there, that means over 35 brachot of "hagefen" were made within those few minutes.

Each time a single girl made a bracha of "hagefen", Tziporah started singing songs like "od yeshama" and clapping her hands. She had so much genuine simcha for each person, as if she was certain that each one of us would get married that year. She set the tone, and people joined in singing with her.

A couple of minutes later, it was time to make the bracha of "ha'etz." The blessing for barren couples who haven't had children (yet). Usually at the bracha parties I had previously attended, "the closer" was never a barren lady.
Usually "the closer" for "ha'etz" would be somebody who knows a barren married woman who is trying to conceive. I didn't even personally know any women who were incapable of having children.
Until someone asked Tziporah if she wants to be the closer. She smiled and nodded. This smile, however, was different. It wasn't a joyous smile like her previous one that didn't leave her face the whole night; rather, this time, it was a sad smile.
The 1st group made "ha'etz" and answered "amen." The 2nd group followed.
Finally, it was Tziporah's turn.
She stood up in the front of the crowd and tears began forming in her eyes. She closed her eyes and starting swaying. "May this bracha be for and my tzaddik husband ...we have been trying for 10 years...and I hope...this year." And as the tears were emerging out of her eyes, she tightly held onto the green grape in her right hand, slightly raised her hand, and said with intense kavana "Baruch ATAH HaShem Elokeinu Melech HaOlam, Boreh P'ri Ha'etz!" everyone answered a loud "AMEN!"

I was stunned. Here I thought that she was 25, with at least 2 children. If she was trying to conceive for 10 years, she had to be older than 25. And she had to have experienced more suffering than I ever imagined somebody with such a bright smile could have experienced. I cringed. I wished there was something I could do. Oh, how much pain she must be in...
these thoughts followed me as I went home. It just didn't sit well with me. Her positive energy and emunah left me on a high, but at the same time, I felt uncomfortable. The same image kept replaying in my head: the expression on her face while making the bracha with those tightly shut eyes and tears pushing out.

A few days later, Natalie gave me a call. "I'm trying to organize a group of 40 women, particularly the girls from my bracha party, to say Shir Hashirim for Tziporah on Erev Shabbat. And in that zchut, Be'ezrat HaShem, Tziporah will be expecting a child soon. Are you in?"
40 girls were gathered, and she gave us Tziporah and her husband's full Hebrew names.

I jotted down their names and kept the note in my siddur. I remembered them during my daily Shemoneh Esreh, when lighting candles Erev Shabbat, whenever I traveled to Israel and prayed by the Kotel, etc.

Tziporah sent Natalie an e-mail, telling her that she is now a shadchan and asked if she has any friends who want to send their resumes. I sent my resume, she called me, and as a result, we became close friends because of our phone conversations. She set me up a few times, but even more importantly, she gave me chizzuk and divrei Torah. It was an emotional and logical support that very few shadchanim offered me in the past. She was one of the only shadchanim who made me feel like I will get married and should never worry -- just continue praying to HaShem and keep up the faith. She gave me brachot over the phone and invited me over her house for coffee and shmoozing.
Every conversation we had left me with a smile on my face. She was so warm and caring.

I didn't know how to ask her...if anything had changed. If she had a little somebody in her tummy.
I wanted to tell her how much my friends and I were davening for her. But I didn't say anything. I feared the possibility of offending her.

Natalie updated me from time to time, telling me to continue davening and not to give up. I knew that Tziporah wasn't giving up and that her emunah in HaShem was carrying her through.

Over a year after the challah & bracha party, I told a close friend of mine, Gila, about Tziporah.
A couple of days later, Gila called me up. "Sefardi Gal, I'm going to the Lubavitch Rebbe's kever to daven. That lady that you told me about...and her husband...who can't have kids...what're their names, again?"
I was so touched that she remembered. (Hey, I only have amazing friends!)

Around Rosh Hashana time of this year, Gila told me that she always continued to pray for the couple. She even made Challah every Erev Shabbat and would pray for them while making the challah.
I called Tziporah to wish her a shana tova, but she wasn't feeling well. My friend told me that Tziporah had done some infertility treatments that left her feeling weak and ill. It seemed that the treatments were not successful, and the side effects were painful.

At a friend's wedding on October 24, 2010, Natalie, Gila, and I were dancing, and we were crazy happy. Natalie took us aside, and admist the loud music, she said "I just want you two to be the first to know...TZIPORAH IS 3 MONTHS PREGNANT!" I have never cried from happiness, but it was a close call that night. None of us could contain our joy. We all screamed and hugged and jumped with joy. So that's why she wasn't feeling well! The treatment was working!, I thought. We continued to dance and praised HaShem, and really, at that moment...it felt like HaShem stopped the world. For Tziporah.

Gila never met Tziporah yet. She had no idea what she looked or sounded like. A week or two after the wedding, Gila called me and anxiously told me about how she met Tziporah. Gila was invited to another friend's bracha & challah party. There was a lady there who was pregnant, though not very visibly pregnant. My friend Gila took one look at her and thought "that's Tziporah. It has to be. She has that aura that Sefardi Gal was telling me about."
She went up to her and asked her "excuse me, but...are you Tziporah?"
"Yes, I am."
Gila started crying and told her "you don't know me, but Natalie and Sefardi Gal are my close friends. I heard the wonderful news, and I just want you to know...even though we never met, I was davening for you. I made challah for you. And for the first time last week, I made challah and davened for both you and your baby."
At that point, Tziporah started crying too and thanked her profusely and blessed her. They embraced, and it was clearly an emotional night.

As the months passed, we continued to pray for Tziporah to have a healthy and easy pregnancy and to give birth to a healthy baby. She's due in Pesach time.
Except...
she won't be giving birth to a healthy baby during Pesach.

HaShem planned that she gave birth two weeks ago on Shabbat to not one, but TWO healthy babies. Twins. A boy and girl. And she was 2 months early, but the babies are perfectly healthy, Baruch HaShem.

Finally, after 12 years of trying, she and her husband were rewarded with two children, both genders, on the holiest day of the week. And after waiting 12 years, HaShem didn't want them to wait 9 months; He condensed the wait to 7 months.

I realize that this is a long story and it could've been told in four sentences or even less. Except, in my opinion, that would take away from the depth and emotions that were involved. It was a huge experience and lesson in emunah and bitachon for my close friends and myself.

Tziporah taught me that no matter how difficult life is, you NEVER give up your faith in HaShem. You never stop davening. Many women in her situation might've became depressed or would've just gave up. But no. Tziporah was persistent. She prayed, and she would go to (AND GIVE) shiurim and find something new to work on every day. She constantly invited guests over not only for Shabbat but also for other days of the week.
She gave others chizzuk and always wore a beautiful & cheerful smile on her face. She prayed for other barren couples who were in similar or even worse positions. She not only prayed for them, but she also forwarded and e-mailed their names to other people to pray for them. She once sent me a list of over 30 barren couples to daven for on Erev Shabbat.
She saw me recently and handed me a paper with the names of two or three couples in need of conceiving.
She allowed her adversity to be the catalyst for helping others. She didn't let her problems suppress her from reaching her potential and reaching out to help others, be it other barren couples, singles that she tried (and tries) to set up, or giving shiurim.

I also learned that the power of tefillah in GROUPS, as unified members of Klal Yisrael, has a huge impact. What better way to fulfill "love your neighbor as you love yourself" than to pray for him or her?
Just because Tziporah got pregnant, she didn't forget about all of the couples who are still trying. I think this is a crucial point to remember.
A Rabbi in my Shul once told a story about two single men who were praying for each other to find their zivugim. One of them found his zivug and got married. A few years later, his friend was still single. His friend asked him "are you still davening for me?" Embarrassed, the married friend admitted "no, I stopped after I got married."
We can't stop praying for our friends. Even if we have a long list. Even if we already found our zivug. We can't forget about the rest who still haven't found what they're looking for.

Tziporah and Gila were crying because a meeting wasn't necessary for Gila to feel Tziporah's pain. All Gila needed was her love for a fellow Jew to stimulate her tefillot.

Above all, I think I finally FELT (I only knew before) that HaShem truly does listen to our tefillot. Similar to the caterpillar in the dark and unfriendly cocoon, one needs to go through difficulties in life to become a beautiful colorful butterfly.

May Tziporah's story serve as an example to all of us that HaShem knows what He's doing and has a great plan for all of us. He only sends us trials and tribulations that we can handle.
And that Ahavat Yisrael and Tefillah can break all harsh decrees and barriers!

Shavua Tov and Chodesh Tov u'Mevurach to all!

"You've bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you."

(10 virtual chocolate chip cookies if you can guess where the title line is from.)

I'm a fan of period dramas, most of which are based on books.
(My favorites are Washington Square, Jane Eyre, North & South, and Pride & Prejudice.)
I don't remember precisely when my appreciation for these dramas began. Ever since my early teenage years, I delved into the realm of thoughts; life, existence, purpose, and of course, my admiration of truly meaningful relationships. In particular, I remember enjoying these period-dramas during my late high school years. High school was enough of a drag, and I often tuned it out by creating my own exclusive emotional paradise.

What can I say? I'm a hopeless (hopeful?) romantic till the end.

Jane Austen is commonly the most famous of the period-drama authors. All of her storylines, as well as many of the others, often share similar themes:
1) opposites attract
2) first impressions and stereotypes are often misjudgments; there's more to a person than what meets the eye.

The poor gal with the rich guy. The smart, chutzpahdik fair maiden with the proper mannered fellow. The rude, conceited guy who turns out to have many layers to him -- and is in fact a kind-hearted and sensitive individual. The plain-looking gal with the ravishing, wealthy dude.
Those who were at first repulsed by each other eventually become head-over-heels in love, not because of their physical attributes, family, or fortune, rather because of their virtues and morals.

One of my favorite dialogues in Pride and Prejudice:Mr. Darcy: Miss Elizabeth. I have struggled in vain, and I can bear it no longer. These past months have been a torment. I came to Rosings with the single object of seeing you...I had to see you. I have fought against my better judgment, my family's expectations, the inferiority of your birth by rank and circumstance. All these things I am willing to put aside and ask you to end my agony.
Elizabeth: I don't understand.
Mr. Darcy: I love you. Most ardently. Please do me the honor of accepting my hand.
Elizabeth: Sir, I appreciate the struggle you have been through, and I am very sorry to have caused you pain. Believe me, it was unconsciously done.
Mr. Darcy: Is this your reply?
Elizabeth: Yes, sir.
Mr. Darcy: Are you...are you laughing at me?
Elizabeth: No.
Mr. Darcy: Are you rejecting me?
Elizabeth: I'm sure that the feelings which, as you've told me have hindered your regard, will help you in overcoming it.
Mr. Darcy: Might I ask why, with so little endeavor at civility, I am thus repulsed?
Elizabeth: And I might as well enquire why, with so evident a design of insulting me, you chose to tell me that you liked me against your better judgment.

Do they get married and experience true love in the end?

It might be the storyline, the characters, the raw emotions, the professions of love, the beautiful scenery, or a combination of all the above that hooks me and leads me to wonder...
perhaps misjudgements are often prematurely made in life, especially when it comes to dating. Do people always deserve a second chance? Or do these stories only exist in fantasy, period-drama-novel-movie land?

Fancy meeting you here...

I was doing some winter shopping and spotted a nice hat. I tried it on and modeled it in front of the store's full length mirror. A pretty lady passed by and said "cute hat! Looks great on you." I smiled and thanked her. It's pretty neat how a friendly comment can boost someone's mood.

I continued browsing around, and the same lady stopped me again. She asked me for some clothing advice. We started chatting, and then the question came...
"are you Jewish?"
I was taken aback. In a good way. I mean, usually non-Jews can't tell that I'm Jewish. Due to my dark features, they assume I'm Arab. True. I'm a Jewish Arab. But most people are unaware that there are Jewish Arabs (sefardim/mizrachim.) So, to them, I suppose I'm either Middle Eastern Muslim/Christian or Hispanic looking.
Sometimes it works to my advantage -- like when the Muslim dude at a boutique gave me a discount because he assumed I was Muslim.

"Yes, I am."
"Ohhh, I love youz Jewish girls! I can tell by the way y'all dress. Y'all look so put together and nice."

We started chatting more...like how she knows about frum Jews and stuff. And then IT happened. The dreaded, yet beloved, topic came up: SHIDDUCHIM.
Yes, SHE initiated it.
"I saw a movie...about a religious girl who got matchmade by -- oh man, what's the name of that lady? The one who makes the matches...?"
"A shadchan?"
"Yes! Sha-haan. Anyway, it was so sad because she was forced in da marriage and then falls in love wit someone else! Oh, I just love watching these kind of movies. There's absolutely nothing as amazing in this world as finding your one true soulmate. Your true love." She said it with so much emotion that I knew she was talking from experience.

I nodded. I'm sure it is amazing. *sigh*

Can I really not escape this topic? I looked up. HaShem, You have an AWESOME sense of humor. No matter where I am --- the topic of shidduchim, dating, marriage, etc. simply HAS to come up. At shiurim, with family, with friends, at school, work, home, restaurants, the doctor's office, supermarkets, Shul on the subway, on the plane, when I'm getting a haircut, etc.
But at department stores? Really?
Know what? I'm not even going to ask why.

I continued roaming around the store, newly aware that some people actually know that I'm Jewish. And frum! Woo-hoo! :)

In case anyone is wondering, I bought the hat and some other nice stuffado0o too. It was a shopping success. Now bring on the winter!

What I've Learned About "Snow Days"

In no particular order:

1. You might expect to be super productive (clean your room, finish studying, write essays, exercise, etc.) but it's possible you'll neglect all of those goals and instead find yourself surfing the net, talking on the phone, basking in pjamas, etc.
2. Snow Days were way more exciting when you were 10 years old.
3. It's difficult to find somebody who wants to build a snowman with you! Or have snowball fights :(
4. I'm expected to clean the snow. Never mind the fact that I have no idea how to shovel normally, don't own any pair of boots that I want to ruin, and that I'm A WOMAN. When it comes to snow-relating matters, I definitely prefer to live in a male-chauvinistic society.
Apparently, the teenage snow-cleaning boys don't want to make $20 anymore. None of them rang the doorbell. (If anyone knows one who's willing, I'll pay $100-200...)
5. Animal foorprints in the snow really freak me out.
6. People like to bake and cook during snow days. One friend baked danishes, another made blueberry muffins, another made oatmeal cookies and banana cake, and I made... (drumroll please!)
hot chocolate souffle with ice cream on the side.
7. Diets don't apply during snow days.
8. Okay, FINE. You caught me. I didn't really make hot chocolate souffle -- I attempted to make a brownie cake, but because it was dairy and my oven is meat, I quazillioned-triple-abillion-double wrapped it. As a result, most of the cake baked normally, except for the middle -- which resembled chocolate pudding because it didn't quite solidify. The cake (and "pudding") was still hot, so therefore, it kinda qualifies as hot chocolate souffle.
9. Some people actually have the guts to drive in the snow, while my car will probably still be buried until the snow decides to melt.
10. Snow days might be a test from HaShem -- to appreciate His wonders of "nature" and use our free time for shiurim, learning, and chessed opportunities (as Conversations in Klal wisely mentioned -- checking on our ill or elderly neighbors and seeing if they need any help with shoveling or perhaps buying them groceries/food.)
11. This made me laugh:

ICE CREAM

Some of my readers might've notice that I've cut off a significant chunk of my blog (if I recall correctly, around 50 posts) over the past few weeks.
Why have I done so?
Well, by now, y'all should know that I'm a bit crazed. That's nothing new.
But there are other reasons.

So, what is the focus of this blog now?
Divrei Torah? Halachot? Emunah? Spirituality? Tefillah? Rants? Israel? Goals? Dating/marriage? Politics? Random shtuyot? Sefardi culture?

Truth is that the focus is currently none and all of the above. The answer is merely summed up with one word: thoughts.
Are they mine? Usually.
Do I occasionally posess an alter-ego? Perhaps.
Does my blog define me? Not entirely.
Do I plan on updating regularly? Maybe.

So, what's the purpose of this blog? Honestly, I'm not sure.

It's a journey. Stick around if you wish. :)

Rimonim Are Super Cool

So, I was chopping up some veggies for a salad l'kavod Shabbat, while my eyes were dialated (gotta love check ups at the eye doctor.) Still had 3850238230482030202 things do before Shabbat. I had just cleaned the table and kitchen countertop, and everything was sparkly clean. Mission accomplished.
On my way to clean my room, I noticed two special friends chilling on the living room table. Pomegrantes!!!
I got so happy. I mean, come on, when do you get to see pomegrantes other than Rosh Hashana time???
Why not open one up l'kavod Shabbat? Nutty person that I am, that's precisely what I did; I opened one up...forgetting how messy pomegrantes can be.
Now, anybody who has the fun task of opening up pomegrantes for Rosh Hashana knows that:
1) the fruit's juice can get messy and leak all over the place, regardless of how careful you are
2) it can leave a temporary or permanent stain on anything and everything; your clothing, your hands, the table, etc, and for the most part, if it stains your clothes -- the stain lasts forever and ever...and ever.
3) A pomegrante contains many red pieces/seeds of fruits, and also white pieces/skin that often get mixed up with the seeds, and if you eat the red part of the fruit along with the white skin thingy, there's an extremely bitter taste -- unless you remove the white particles before consuming any.



So, I was humming the tune to one of my favorite songs while opening the pomegrante, thinking about how the pomegrante symbolizes the 613 mitzvot.

Now, there's something to learn from everything in this world. Every person, every creature, every object, etc. Some thoughts came to mind. Not sure if these ideas are chiddushim or if these are concepts that many have thought of before.

1) If a pomegrante stains your shirt, the stain basically lasts forever. Since a pomegrante symbolizes mitzvot, a mitzvah -- too -- is eternal. Even if somebody isn't the most observant or holiest person around, (s)he should never think "oh, what good will 1 mitzvah do if I negelect the other 612?" Because each mitzvah can make a long lasting impression!
I heard the following incredible thought from a project inspire Rabbi: if thousands of diamonds fell to the ground in your neighborhood, and everybody rushed to collect them, would you refrain from attempting to collect any just because you can't obtain them all? Absolutely not! Even 1 would make a difference. It's the same with mitzvot. Each mitzvah, no matter how "small" or "big", is counted and precious.

2) Now, in certain cases, the pomegrante juice appears to leave a stain -- but the stain is removable. For example, if the pomegrante juice leaks onto your kitchen countertop. If you merely wipe it off with a napkin, it doesn't fully disappear and deceitfully makes you think that it's permanent. That's it! Your countertop is RUINED. Your mom or wife or room-mate is going to kiiiiiilllll you. But, if one would just apply more effort -- such as scrubbing the stain with a towel and hot water, or perhaps some bleach/detergent/ammonia cleaning device, then the stain can completely vanish!
This is a metaphor for an avera (sin). If someone commits a sin, "small" or "big", the stain seems like it can last forever. That's it. I'm doomed. I'll be punished forever. But that's not the case --- that's ONLY the case if the sin is left in the past, or even if it is continuously committed. If one does teshuva, which initially just requires effort, it can all be erased. As if there was never any stain!

3) When one opens the pomegrante, and the pieces are placed into the bowl, the white, bitter pieces also get mixed in and must be taken out (unless one enjoys eating bitter foods.) As sweet as the red fruit particles of the pomegrante are, if they are eaten along with the white particles, the sweet taste is maxed out, and the main taste is the bitterness. The person who is opening the fruit makes sure to pick out the white pieces before eating the fruit.
When we fulfill mitzvot, at times, there's a tendecy to do so without kavana or even with the wrong kavanot. These are methods of the yetzer hara -- he knows he can't completely cause a dedicated Torah-true Jew to STOP doing mitzvot, so he makes us stumble on the "little" things. For example, a Jew who makes it to minyan on time and has his siddur ready and everything...but then he mumbles and slurs the words of the Shemoneh Esreh, thus making his Shemoneh Esreh barely, if at all, valid. Another example is tzniut for women -- the yetzer hara knows he can't convince most Torah-true bnot Melech to wear pants, but he tries to convince us to be more lax in our observance by making tight and shorter skirts look more appealing than longer ones.
We must learn to throw away the bitter white parts (the yetzer hara; laziness, laxness, impatience, lack of concentration, etc.)that often get involved if fulfilling a mitzvah -- so that we can focus on the sweet red part (fulfilling the mitzvah, doing G-d's will, loving and fearing HaShem, being happy, receiving olam haba, etc.)
David Hamelech explains that we need to
"סוּר מֵרָע, וַעֲשֵׂה-טוֹב; בַּקֵּשׁ שָׁלוֹם וְרָדְפֵהוּ" (Tehillim 34:15), meaning "avoid/remove/turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.)
One of HaShem's Names is "Shalom" -- which also means "peace". We need to seek "peace" (HaShem) and "pursue [Him]" (pray and put those prayers into action!)
Even if we pinpoint who or what the yetzer hara is and how he manifests himself into certain parts our lives, we must know that we can't fight him alone -- we need HaShem's help. We need to pray to Him that we can fight off all of the distractions in our lives, overcome the difficulties, purely serve Him to the best of our abilities and potential, and continue to have emunah in HaShem and know that He has the power to do anything! If He brought us to it, He can bring us through it.

Stay tuned for next week's "thoughts on watermelons"...

(just kidding. I miss those guys, though! Why aren't they in season??)

Shavua tov :)