Sunday, July 10, 2011

The World Won't Understand

I recently saw a married friend.
She was pushing her baby stroller down the block and then noticed me.
And chatting time began.
“so, how ‘s dating going?” she asked.
(you can use your imagination about how I answered)

She smiled and told me “you know, when I was dating, the problem was, every guy was interested in me. And every single time, I was like ‘well, I guess, I could be married to him.’”
What she said goes along with my “theory” – it’s easy to get married. It’s not so difficult to find someone who thinks you’re pretty great and wants to spend his life with you. (Sorry, I hope that doesn’t sound obnoxious.)
So, the goal is not just to get married. The goal is to find the right person; the person whom you need. The person who can help you develop to the person that you need to become.
It’s not that I feel like nobody likes me. Or that I don’t get along with anybody.
Sure, I’ve had my share of unsuccessful dates. And just plain ol' WEIRD (not the good kind of weird) experiences. But overall, most of the guys are pretty nice, but just not for me because something is missing. The missing factor is usually due to personality clashes, religious differences, etc.
But it’s never like “omgosh waaa waaa boo hooo, I go out with all these guys, and they’re all amazing and nobody ever likes me!!”

So, sometimes, it makes me wonder.
What’s wrong with me? I mean, I know I’m a weirdo. And a little bit nutty.
Am I a hopeless case?
Am I being too picky?
Should I just “settle”?

The tachlis (love that ashki word!) answer is no. I’m not going to settle. I know that none of these guys are my zivug. I’m looking for the right person for me. My goal is not just marriage. It’s a successful marriage. My true other half; my essence; the person who understands every fiber within me and appreciates me. And that shouldn’t be one sided. I want the passion and empathy to be mutual.

And now, children, it’s time for North & South. Mr. Thornton will allow me to mope with hope.


  1. Very good post! You are so right.

  2. Devorah - thanks! I just hope I'm proved right :)

  3. North & South fixes nearly all bad moods. Sigh.

    What you said, I so hear you. A family member of mine is constantly attacking me, thinking that if I go out with anyone I am supposed to marry them. He doesn't get what I'm waiting for. Just because a guy was interested in me doesn't mean I have to or want to marry him. He's a guy; not THE guy. And I'm willing to wait for him.

  4. Hahaha I laughed at the Mr. Thornton comment, he is just....sigh lol I love him bc he is a real, assiduous man that builds himself up. one can admire his strength and perseverance--his virtues are his own. He wasn't born into a "title" or money (like darcy), he built himself up....

    I know that sometimes it can feel like that but you have to constantly remind yourself that your goal is not to "simply" get married, its to get married to your other half, your partner in this world and in the world to come. People tend to speak of married people as if their "happily ever after" already came. It's as if they are married, everything must be good. And its not true. There are so many divorces among young (and old) frum couples, there are so many issues that we are not even aware of!

    This reminds me of a conversation between charlotte lucas and lizzie on the subject of marriage. Charlotte seems to take the attitude that the goal is to get married (and fine their times were different) but Lizzie's response and her attitude as a whole is whats great. It's not about marrying anyone. Its about marrying the one that was intended for you.

    It's not a boyfriend, its not a temporary thing, its the partner with whom you will accomplish your tafkid in this world and you will iy"H eventually share olam haba with...

  5. I love the second-to-last paragraph.. Beautifully put.

  6. My observations have shown me that those people who are very picky have a very hard time getting married, even if they have a lot to offer. Marriage happens when people throw away their list of demands and decide they just want to get married already, even to an average person.

    Those are only my observations; the observations of other people could be very different.

  7. my own 2 cents if it helps you. the problem is a ubiquitous systemic one and not a question of scarcity of supply (in this case suitable boys to fall for). The problem is a lack of context.

    Shidduchim/blind dates lack context to justify themselves long enough to "build/bond" a shared connection with the other. 9 out of 10 times i think you'll find you become more attached to a co-worker or a family friend, your attachment stems from the backdrop of shared context with the other, beyond the attributes of the individual per se.

    Maybe I sound like gibberish, my hope was to help, if not in giving a solution atleast in understanding the problem.

    I'm willing to bet that a handful of the boys you already dated you could have fallen for, were your interactoin with them have been within a neutral, repetitive context of your own personal life as opposed to the artificial forced context of a shidduch date.