Heart Healing

(Whoa! Two posts in one day?
What can I say...I'm an extreme person at times.)

Ever had your heart torn into pieces and then had the perpetrator dance the cha cha all over it?

There's a reason why, my friends! 

Ok...this post is coming at a really random time because I wanted to write about this ages ago and then forgot. So, now that I remember, I really hope it'll give chizzuk to whomever.

Anyone remember my Green Monster post?
It's no longer up here. (There's no proof that I wrote it!! Mwahahaha)
Basically, the post was about how there was a guy I was positive I was going to marry. I obsessed over him for weeks until finally he asked around about me, and we were going to date and then marry and live happily after.
That is... only after he'd finish taking his finals, of course.

My best friend told me to cool it down. I was getting too worked up.
She was right.

Well, anyway, as I was planning our wedding,
I had a friend tell me that she's dating an amazing guy.
Really? Awesome.
Totally not politically correct in the world of shidduchim, but I asked her for his name.
And then my heart sank.
It was the guy. The one who was supposedly too busy to date me because he was taking his finals.

Needless to say, I was crazy. And heart broken.
It wasn't her fault at all, but I was mad at this friend. Afterall, I was nuts. And had heart pains.

Anyway, eventually, I got over it and was super happy for her.
And super miserable for my single self.

FFWD to after I met my hubby.

I saw this friend, and we were catching up. My hubby and her hubby began talking, and then were standing in front of us.
I took one look ahead and thought "wow. My husband is so much kinder, smarter, holier, and better looking than that guy is! How could I have ever been so nuts to think that other guy would be my fiance?!"

Yeah. It was a super great moment.

I went through many heartbreaks while dating. In particular, there were four guys who I dated and wanted to marry. All four didn't want me.
Each time, it was tragic. I indulged in many gummy candies and morbid break up songs.

There're times when I ponder about what my life would've been like if I married any of those guys. And then I realize: wow. How good HaShem is! How generous and kind. How he protected me from being in a bad marriage, and how my husband is so much better than all of them combined :)

The song "ki hirbeta tovot elai, tovot elai" pops into my head. (See link below.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lmL6LkjqbI

We often only see HaShem's chessed in hindsight, but boy is it amazing when we see how He watches over us.

So all you singles still in solo land --

BH you'll see one day how every single heartbreak was for the best. Just keep HaShem in the picture, and daven daven daven!

BTW, all 4 of them are still single (at least, the last time I heard of them or saw them.) And Mr. Sir had another broken engagement. What a surprise.

Ok I should stop being mean.
I'm sorry. I hope all four of you bachelors get married. To amazing women. Really.
(so that those women will change you and help you stop being losers.)
Omgosh, stop it Sefardi Gal. That was SO rude.

Shabbat Shalom u'Mevorach to all :)

Plea to G-D

Dear HaShem,
I know that because of Your ultimate rachamim, You keep me alive.
I know that You love me.
I know that You care about me.
I know that You want a relationship with me.
I know that You’re my Father in Heaven, and I’m Your daughter.
I am the daughter of the King of the universe.
Doesn’t every Father want to see His daughter married?
Doesn’t every King want to see the princess taken care of by a prince?
I want to worship You. So much.
But this single thing is really in my way.
It limits me.
I can worship you so much better if I was married to my true zivug.
Our marriage would bring out my potential
And his.
We would worship you together.
I’d wear my beautiful, modest mitpachot.
I’d light my nerot Shabbat with olive oil.
My Shabbat table will be full with guests, food, and inspiring Divrei Torah.
With Your help, I’d give birth and raise holy, special, beautiful, healthy children
And teach them Your righteous ways.
Your holy Torah and mitzvot.
I know that marriage is work.
And I will work on it to make sure that
My relationship with my husband is full of true love. True giving based on Torah.
So that the Shechina will dwell in our home and marriage.
Right now…
I don’t have my own holy and kosher home.
It plagues my thoughts.
That I’m alone.
That I’m half a soul.
That I’m not complete.
That I’m not giving to my soul-mate.
Oh, how limited I am.
How I long for him.
How my curiosity replays over and over again in my head.
Oh G-d…
It is so difficult and painful. It is almost too much to bare.
I know that You don’t give anybody tests that they can’t pass.
So, I know I can pass this one.
I’m asking You to help me pass.
Please help me not obsess.
Please help me deal with this situation correctly.
Help me not be in so much anguish.
Please grant me the clarity, strength, and faith to always be happy and
Not worry. Not cry. Not have doubt.
Not to have inner-turmoil.
Please send my special zivug to me soon.
Or send me to him.
May my zivug please be the person whom I need.
The best possible zivug for me.
Please help me not pass up on him.
And help him not pass up on me.
Please help me not be an older single.
Please, please, please.
You are The only One I turn to.
You are The One Who is mezaveg zivugim.
Nobody else.
I am 100% fully dependent on You.
You are Plan A. there is no plan B or C.
You’re the Source for it all.
Please, please, please.
Shma Tefillati and please answer me l’tova.

Guess Who

Stop plaguing my thoughts.
Just let me be me.
Quit overanalyzing every comment.
Stop associating everything with yourself.
The garden,
The subway,
The cars,
The shopping centers,
Even the burgers...
You live among them all.
It seems that you’re everywhere,
No matter where I go to hide,
You’re right there behind me.
And the thing is
I can’t run away from you.
Because even if you’d stop following me,
I’d still come back to you.
Because I have a goal...
I need you in my life...
You’re necessary for me to reach that goal.
That mission.
You are my sweet, impressive, nerve-wrecking, emotional
Bitter, dreadful, miserable
...(insert ambiguous word for shidduchim)...

Men and their questions...

A "he's-just-that-into-you" moment.
Here’s my theory: when a guy asks a gal “so, what kind of guy are you looking for?” he’s either completely interested in her, has a friend in mind for her, or is looking for her to describe a personality that is polar opposite to his so that he can tell the shadchan that he’s not what SHE is looking for. However, usually, if he asks that question– then the case is that he’s interested in the girl and so desperately wants to know if he matches her ideal type.

Am I right?

The World Won't Understand

I recently saw a married friend.
She was pushing her baby stroller down the block and then noticed me.
And chatting time began.
“so, how ‘s dating going?” she asked.
(you can use your imagination about how I answered)

She smiled and told me “you know, when I was dating, the problem was, every guy was interested in me. And every single time, I was like ‘well, I guess, I could be married to him.’”
What she said goes along with my “theory” – it’s easy to get married. It’s not so difficult to find someone who thinks you’re pretty great and wants to spend his life with you. (Sorry, I hope that doesn’t sound obnoxious.)
So, the goal is not just to get married. The goal is to find the right person; the person whom you need. The person who can help you develop to the person that you need to become.
It’s not that I feel like nobody likes me. Or that I don’t get along with anybody.
Sure, I’ve had my share of unsuccessful dates. And just plain ol' WEIRD (not the good kind of weird) experiences. But overall, most of the guys are pretty nice, but just not for me because something is missing. The missing factor is usually due to personality clashes, religious differences, etc.
But it’s never like “omgosh waaa waaa boo hooo, I go out with all these guys, and they’re all amazing and nobody ever likes me!!”

So, sometimes, it makes me wonder.
What’s wrong with me? I mean, I know I’m a weirdo. And a little bit nutty.
Am I a hopeless case?
Am I being too picky?
Should I just “settle”?

The tachlis (love that ashki word!) answer is no. I’m not going to settle. I know that none of these guys are my zivug. I’m looking for the right person for me. My goal is not just marriage. It’s a successful marriage. My true other half; my essence; the person who understands every fiber within me and appreciates me. And that shouldn’t be one sided. I want the passion and empathy to be mutual.

And now, children, it’s time for North & South. Mr. Thornton will allow me to mope with hope.

My...shadchan?

So, I was trying to reach a particular shadchan, who was suggested to me by a friend. I don't like calling, but hey, gotta do hishtadlut, right?
The phone would ring and ring. She wouldn't answer. Okay, so I basically decide to forget about the meeting with her. At least temporarily.

A different shadchan called me up and suggested a guy.
A really great, solid guy. Really.
Nice guy.
So we went out a 2nd time.
Still nice but not for me.
So I called her up to let her know.

"who's this, again?" She asked
I was a little bit taken aback. I mean, I know that she's busy and all, but c'mon lady, you just set me up with this guy!

I calmly responded "this is Sefardi Gal. You set me up with Mr. Likes Sushi."

"I set you up with Mr. Likes Sushi? When?"
She sounded shocked.

I was a bit shocked that she was shocked.

"Yes...last week. And we went on our second date last night..."

"I'm sorry. If you say I set you up, then I must have. Let me think. Hmmm...let me try and remember. Last week...Last week...hmmmm."

The background music began to play in my head.

Annoyed, I looked at my caller I.D.
My eyes widened, and I nearly gasped.

Oh man.

I unintentionally called Mrs. Shadchan-who-would-never-answer-when-I-call. She davka decided to pick up on the day that I did NOT intend to call her.

Let's add this incident to the list of Sefardi Gal's fadichot.

Just a tip

I recently saw an ex-date. He didn't acknowledge me, but I still think he's a fine person and will make a good husband. I said this to my friend, and she was a bit surprised that I could speak positively about somebody who hurt me. So, that reaction is what triggered this post. Do we allow our emotions to control us?

Don't speak lashon hara about someone you've dated just because he hurt your ego. If he is, otherwise, a solid person who will make a good husband for somebody else -- then don't get in the way of the shidduch.
This seems like common sense, and like, DUH sefardi gal. But the thing is: it's not. Even in dating, one has the obligation of the beautiful mitzvah "v'ahavta l'reeacha kamocha." Don't let grudges and bitterness get in the way of someone else's opportunity for happiness and greatness.
Also, treat people you previously dated with respect -- don't bad mouthe them, don't ignore them and treat them as if they don't exist, don't bash their looks by saying how unattractive they are.

The key is to take yourself out of the picture and view every Jew as an individual who has similar goals as you do. You're not the only one who is struggling with shidduchim and hoping to get married. They are the future parents of your childrens' classmates/generation.
Daven for your ex-dates, try to suggest people for them, etc.

Lemonade

I was doing some self-reflection lately (as usual -- sometimes I wish I could just press the OFF button for a few minutes), and I realized that my outlook towards dating has changed a lot throughout the past year or so.

So what's the result of this metamorphosis?

Well, overall, I'm a much happier, less depressed dater. Here's why:

1) Emunah in HaKadosh Baruch Hu
I realized that when I just commenced on my dating journey, I thought I had emunah in HaShem, but I really didn't. Sure, I was davening, but I felt a certain amount of disdain and discomfort before and after a date. I had feelings of skeptism and bitterness.

I read an incredible book called Growth Through Tehillim by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin. It shaped my perspective towards emunah, and therefore, having emunah throughout the dating process.

Even though I'm still on the journey, and I'm not sure when I'll meet my zivug, I feel a lot more confident that HaShem is with me. I'm not worried anymore. I know that everyone and everything has a "sha'ah tova" (right timing).

2) Learning Opportunities
I view each date as an opportunity to get to know another fellow Jew and learn something from him. I remember writing about that in the early days of my blog (over a year ago), but I don't think I really internalized that concept.
I now have a mental list of at least one new thought/fact/inspiration/halacha that each person I've dated has taught me.
For example, one guy told me that it's halacha to wash your hands before davening. I kinda knew that before, but I barely followed it. But after he mentioned it, I decided to take it upon myself. (Okay, I admit that I didn't do much research after he told me that -- but either way, he taught me something & had a positive influence on me.)

3) No More Settling
I often felt like I was settling (on hashkafah, religious level, physical appearance, age, etc.) and I realized that settling isn't exactly helping anyone. It was hurting both my dates and myself.
So why was I settling??
Because I allowed shadchanim to push me. I had a problem with saying "no", which led me to 1st and 2nd dates that I was dreading, and negative feelings towards both shadchanim and dating, in general.
I'm still working on it, but I've learned to say NO to shadchanim...no matter how much they push. Regardless if they're rude or tell me I'm being too picky. I've learned to stop giving pity 1st, 2nd, or 3rd dates. I've learned not to give pity dates solely because I feel guilty rejecting the person and think that mayyyybe there's a 1% chance that it will work out between us.

I now have my set list of what I'm looking for. The list doesn't consists of dealbreakers; the list consists of what I AM looking for. Positive connotation.
There are qualities I will absolutely not settle for. Shadchanim have gotten upset, and so have the guys. And I'm sorry. Be'emet. I don't want to hurt or frustrate anybody.
But honestly, this is MY life. At the end of the day, I'm the one who will have to deal with the person; it's going to be my marriage -- not the shadchan's. Nobody has the right to tell me what to do (except HaShem, and in certain cases - my Rabbi and Parents.)

I realize that might sound somewhat arrogant, but I'm a stubborn (read: determined :D) person, and I don't appreciate other people running my life.

4) Refer To A Friend
Whenever a match is suggested to me, or after a date that I clearly know is not for me, or after I hear of/meet a new shadchan, I carefully try to think if any of my single friends would be interested. If so, I refer them to the Shadchan/the guy. B"H I have set up quite a few friends, and one of them recently got engaged. :)

B"H being a happier dater has definitely contributed to me being a much happier person.

May we all have the clarity to make the right decisions regarding dating and marriage!

A Boot Tale

It was only October, but it was getting chilly, and I knew that it was time to purchase nice, new flat boots.
I went into a store and tried on beautiful boots. I looked at them with lovie dovie eyes. Oh, boots, how nice you look! Modest and fancy. Bold yet subtle. Fashionable yet quiet.
I looked at the price and debated. They were pricey. The small rational voice popped in my head and nudged: come on! It's for shidduchim.

You are so right, Ms. Voice-in-my-head.

I bought them with a smile. Left the store with a smile. And came home with a smile. (Am I too materialistic? Hmmm.)

I had a date a week later. I proudly donned the boots. FAIL
FFWD to the next week. FAIL
FFWD again. FAIL
and again.
and again.
and again.
and again.
FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL. MAJOR FAIL!

The boots were crying to me. Oh, all we've done is parade around many different places and boroughs, and now, we're getting old. Our color is fading. The material isn't as shiny as it once was.

My friend and I were talking on the phone about clothing (of course), and she told me about a new pair of beige boots she bought. She envisioned wearing them while dating her hubby. But no. She didn't meet him yet. And her boots are not staying clean.
"yeah, I know what you mean. My boots were reserved for Mr. Right, but now they're slowly deteriorating."

I partially joked with her that HaShem should please send us our zivugim while our boots are still alive and well!

The next day I texted her "my boots aren't getting any younger."

If I recall correctly, her response was along the lines of "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Gotta love my friendies!

Seeing the GOOD in others

When I was in High School, I purchased the Chafetz-Chaim-lesson-a-day sefer about lashon hara. Initially, I was a little apprehensive to begin because I wasn't sure if I'd be able to handle the intensity of the halachot. How will I be able to speak and have conversations if so many conversation topics are forbidden?
Well, interestingly enough, the book addressed that concern. The Chafetz Chaim was known for being extremely careful with shmirat halashon. One would think that he was a quiet and timid individual. But surprisingly, that's extremely far from the truth of the matter! The Chafetz Chaim was very talkative and sociable. Studying the laws of Shmirat Halashon/Lashon Hara aren't intended to teach us how to stop speaking; they're meant to teach us how to speak properly.

Now, lashon hara is a HUGE topic. Learning the halachot & refraining from lashon hara isn't just a "nice" thing to do. Shmirat Halashon is one of the main fundamentals of Judaism, and being a careless speaker of lashon hara is equivalent to the three cardinal sins (the Chafetz Chaim actually explains how it's even WORSE than those sins.)
Most Rabbanim would categorize shmirat halashon as one of the most important mitzvot to work on. I clearly can't tackle every single factor in this post, but I'd like to share a story and a couple of lessons that have greatly impacted my life.

The vast majority of frum Jews don't go around bashing people and spreading rumors. It's rare that you'll hear Chani telling her pal Dana about how ugly Rivki is. The yetzer hara knows that frum Jews won't fall for such obvious averot. So instead, he hides himself. He causes conflict. He makes us angry, agitated, impatient, judgemental, etc. And it's at that point that the nisyaon of lashon hara comes into the picture.
When the stinging word; the "diss"; the curse; the "comeback" is on the tip of your tongue! Ooooh and it's such a "good" insult, too. It's davka at THAT point that shmirat halashon becomes a huge challenge (for most people).

But wait a minute. Why is HaShem being so strict?? We live in the 21st century. In America. There're tabloids in almost every store and just about every TV show revolves around gossip and slander. The "in" thing to do is to release our emotions and HELLO?!?! Freedom of Speech!!! If I'm MAD, why can't I express myself?? The answer is very beautiful and deep. Every single Jew has a spark of HaShem; every single Jew has a neshama. That's holy. When you (general you) speak against your fellow Jew, what you're REALLY doing is bad mouthing HaKadosh Baruch Hu. There's a "part" (not literally; but we'll use that word to help us understand) of HaShem in every one us. That's our true essence -- our neshamot. Every single person has holiness and instrinstic worth, so you're not only against G-d's child, but you're also speaking against G-d! On top of that, you're acting as if no one is around to listen -- but G-d is around.
Speech is the main component that separates human beings from animals. We don't let our emotions/desires control us. We let the Torah and our logic control us. Naaseh v'nishma. What If we let emotions/desire control us? Then, we're even lower than the animals because they don't have the power of speech -- we do! Why are we lower, then, and not equivalent to the animals? Because if we use our gift of speech to do harm -- that's even worse than not being able to speak at all. To quote spiderman "with great power comes great responsibility" (that quote never gets old! :D)

My next post, b"H, will be about the koach of tefillah. However, there is a very important prerequisite for successful tefillah.
When I first read the shmirat halashon book, I was shakened. The halachot and divrei Torah were very powerful and life-changing (for the better, of course!)
Two particular teachings really frightened me, though, and changed my life:
1) After one passes away and goes up to Shamayim, all of his mitzvot and sins are shown. He will see averot (and mitzvot) that he NEVER did. He'll begin to freak out. "What?! I ate a cheeseburger at MacDonalds? Stole from Old Navy? Watched TV on Shabbat? HaShem, I never mixed basar v'chalav and never ate an MacDonalds! I never even stepped foot in Old Navy! I didn't even own a TV! How would I watch it on Shabbat??"
What's going on here?
The answer is that whenever he spoke lashon hara about his fellow Jew, he passed on his mitzvot to that Jew, and in return, received that person's sins!

That is a terrifying thought! Think about all the mitzvot we do -- all those times that we made it on time to pray & to minyan; all those times we dressed modestly, kept kosher, kept Shabbat and the Chagim, gave tzdaka, did chessed at the nursing home or hasc or camp simcha, and how about the really rare mitzvot -- like when you wrote a letter in the sefer Torah and/or shiluach haken?? Do we really want to give all of those precious good deeds away JUST because we're agitated and can't control our mouthes?
2) when one speaks lashon hara, his mouth is tainted, and therefore, his tefilliot are considered impure. His tefillot are not accepted easily in Shamayim, and therefore, speaking improperly can severely impact the power and results of your tefillot -- for the worse! (In fact, this is why we recite "Elokai, Netzor Leshoni Mi'Ra'ah u'sfatai medaber mirma" (translation: G-d, stop my tongue from evil and my lips from speaking negatively) after Shemonah Esreh 3x a day.)

I had a teacher in seminary who got married in her late 20s (or early 30s). At the time, she couldn't figure out why she was still single. She grew up religious and worked on herself tremendously throughout the her seminary and college years. She was intelligent and had a good career, good looks, prestigious education/degrees, and she just wanted to marry a holy guy who loved Torah. She couldn't figure it out: WHY AM I STILL SINGLE?!
So, she went to Rebbetzin Kanyevsky for a bracha. Rebbetzin Kanyevsky asked her "have you studied shmirat halashon?"
My teacher responded "yes, twice already."
The Rebbetzin's advice? "Learn it again."

My teacher heeded her advice and guess what?
she is married to a highly knowledgable, charismatic, and respected rabbi who loves her dearly, and they named one of her sons "Yisrael Meir" -- the Chafetz Chaim's name.

Learning has tremendous value. But it must be applied. And once it's applied, then your tefillot can reach the Kiseh Hakavod more smoothly. We must understand and appreciate the incredible power of shmirat halashon!

A friend of mine e-mailed me a powerful letter that Rebbetzin Kanyevsky published:

Dear women and girls! We need you to help us in prayers!
The situation in Eretz Yisrael is very difficult. We are suffering terrible losses, many orphans and widows from different diseases. My husband, The Rabbi, was asked what could be the reason for all these tragedies. The Rabbi opened a Gemara and said it's because of foul language. And how can we correct ourselves? Only by watching what we say.
I read an article written by Rabbi Segal from Manchester who writes:
"Never did I see a person who learned 2 Halachot of Shemirat Halashon every day and didn't see salvation from above, whether in children, in shidduch, good health, parnasa or bringing up the children. He had promised that whoever will learn the Chafetz Hayim, he will be his defender in Heaven. "And we witnessed miracles that happened to people who took upon themselves two Halachot every day and saw Yeshuot.

While I was reading the article a woman walked in crying and said she has a number of aging daughters that are still not married. I showed her the article and immediately she said she will learn two Halachot of Shemirat Halashon every day. Within three days one daughter got engaged.
Two months later her second daughter and ba"h this woman saw many Yeshuot. Like her, hundreds of girls who took upon themselves the Shemirat Halashon got married.

A different story is about a woman who came to us about a year ago with great sorrow saying that she'd been married for 20 years and she didn't have children. I advised her to learn two Halchot every day and B"H she conceived and now has a month old baby boy.

And another story: a few weeks ago a woman came to me, broken and crying, and said that her mother is in the hospitalwith a growing tumor. She asked what she could take upon herself to help. Again, I advised that the entire family learn two Halachot of Shemirat Halashon every day. Two days later she returned and asked of me to tell her story and the miracle that happened. She said that the entire family gathered and decided to learn two Halachot daily and two days later they received a phone call from the hospital saying to come and pick up the mother, the tumor is gone and she is in good health.

I hear many miracles such as these.
And now, we should all take upon ourselves, bli neder, to learn two Halachot of Shemirat Halashon every day and pray with great kavana. A prayer that comes from the heart through a holy mouth is immediately accepted by Boreh-Olam and prevents many troubles and tragedies and brings Yeshua to the world.In the future, each one of us will be shown how many wonderful doings, how many people we saved. And thanks to you, my dear righteous women and girls, we will have the Zechut to bring Mashiah Tzidkeinu soon in our days.
Yehi Ratzon that Hashem will fulfill all of your wishes for the best,
B. Kanyevsky

B"H we should all be successful with giving our fellow brothers and sisters the benefit of the doubt and guarding our mouthes from speaking about anything improper, and b"H all of tefillot should be accepted and answered l'tova! :)

HaShem runs the world

A friend of mine shared a beautiful insight with me:
there's no such thing as a possibility of 50%. There're only two percentages that exist. Everything in life is either 0% or 100%. Either HaShem wants it for you - or He doesn't! Something can scale at 0% today but be 100% tomorrow. And vice versa. That is to show us that we're fully dependent on HaShem, and He controls the world.

This Shabbat is b"H "Shabbat Shira" -- the "shira" reference is from this week's Parsha; in Parshat Beshalach, Bnei Yisrael sang "Az Yashir" to thank G-d for the miracle of kriyat yam suf (splitting of the reed sea). Chazal teach us that making matches/dating/finding your spouse is likened to kriyat yam suf. It's just as arduous to find that right guy (or gal) --as it is to split the sea.
But wait!
How on earth is that possible? Afterall, NOTHING is difficult for HaShem. He doesn't "sweat"! He's All Mighty. He's all powerful. He's the Master-Of-The-Universe. The splitting of the sea isn't any more difficult for HaShem than creating a wind breeze for a second.
So how can shidduchim be difficult for Him???
The answer is that shidduchim ARE easy for HaShem to make; Chazal are not referring to HaShem's actual matching and formation of shidduchim. Rather, they're referring to emunah! Just like it was difficult for Bnei Yisrael to keep up their emunah in HaShem when they were faced with tons of Egyptian soldiers and had nowhere to run, so too it is difficult to have emunah in HaShem when one is looking for his or her spouse.
When faced with adversity, people can begin to have misconceptions about the solution. For example: I'll only find my zivug when I meet this well-known-shadchan-who-made-100-matches, when I lose x amount of weight, when I have a higher paying job, etc. That mentality is flawed. That person is placing his emunah in the shadchan and his own power...not HaShem's power! We need to know that although we must do our hishtadlut, ultimately, it is HaShem who sends us our zivugim! It's either 100% or 0%; either He thinks it's the right time for us, or He doesn't.

Around a year ago, I attended a wonderful shiur about this parasha that really made a difference in my life. The Rabbi explained that hope is the essence of a successful person. Before the splitting of the sea, many members of Bnei Yisrael panicked -- "what will happen to us??! Will the Egyptians all murder us now?!"
But Nachson ben Aminadav didn't panic; he jumped into the (unsplit) ocean. After he jumped in, the sea split!
His action prompted the miracle because he trusted in HaShem; he KNEW HaShem is helping and will help them. The truly successful individual is the one who knows where his success comes from. If you have hope and emunah in HaShem, you're set. You will do well in school. You will get married. You will have children. You will have a parnassah. Just (as the Journey song preaches) -- "don't stop believing!"

HaShem loves us and is taking care of us, so don't give up! Keep trying with your full 100%.

It's a segulah (especially for finding your zivug) to recite "Az Yashir" in Shul this Shabbat -- Shabbat Shira -- with extra kavana! B"H all of our tefillot should be answered l'tova.

Shabbat shalom :)

Fancy meeting you here...

I was doing some winter shopping and spotted a nice hat. I tried it on and modeled it in front of the store's full length mirror. A pretty lady passed by and said "cute hat! Looks great on you." I smiled and thanked her. It's pretty neat how a friendly comment can boost someone's mood.

I continued browsing around, and the same lady stopped me again. She asked me for some clothing advice. We started chatting, and then the question came...
"are you Jewish?"
I was taken aback. In a good way. I mean, usually non-Jews can't tell that I'm Jewish. Due to my dark features, they assume I'm Arab. True. I'm a Jewish Arab. But most people are unaware that there are Jewish Arabs (sefardim/mizrachim.) So, to them, I suppose I'm either Middle Eastern Muslim/Christian or Hispanic looking.
Sometimes it works to my advantage -- like when the Muslim dude at a boutique gave me a discount because he assumed I was Muslim.

"Yes, I am."
"Ohhh, I love youz Jewish girls! I can tell by the way y'all dress. Y'all look so put together and nice."

We started chatting more...like how she knows about frum Jews and stuff. And then IT happened. The dreaded, yet beloved, topic came up: SHIDDUCHIM.
Yes, SHE initiated it.
"I saw a movie...about a religious girl who got matchmade by -- oh man, what's the name of that lady? The one who makes the matches...?"
"A shadchan?"
"Yes! Sha-haan. Anyway, it was so sad because she was forced in da marriage and then falls in love wit someone else! Oh, I just love watching these kind of movies. There's absolutely nothing as amazing in this world as finding your one true soulmate. Your true love." She said it with so much emotion that I knew she was talking from experience.

I nodded. I'm sure it is amazing. *sigh*

Can I really not escape this topic? I looked up. HaShem, You have an AWESOME sense of humor. No matter where I am --- the topic of shidduchim, dating, marriage, etc. simply HAS to come up. At shiurim, with family, with friends, at school, work, home, restaurants, the doctor's office, supermarkets, Shul on the subway, on the plane, when I'm getting a haircut, etc.
But at department stores? Really?
Know what? I'm not even going to ask why.

I continued roaming around the store, newly aware that some people actually know that I'm Jewish. And frum! Woo-hoo! :)

In case anyone is wondering, I bought the hat and some other nice stuffado0o too. It was a shopping success. Now bring on the winter!

A light at the end of the tunnel

I was at a chagiga, and a Rabbi came to speak to us gals. This time, I was really, REALLY hoping the shiur wouldn't be about dating. My mind pleaded "please, PLEASE. I'm finally AWAY from all eligible bachelors. I'm at an all girls party. It's a motzei-Shabbat. PLLLLEEEAAASE don't bring it up."

So, of course, he brought it up.
Except, ironically enough, I'm grateful that he did. It was an INCREDIBLE shiur because it included an amazingly moving story with a wonderful message. I don't think I'll ever forget it. Here goes:

There was a man who was married to his wife for over 10 years. Unfortunately, his wife couldn't have children, and her husband greatly contemplated the issue and decided that although he very much loves his wife, he desperately wants his own children; it would be best to get divorced. He went to the rabbinate to give her a get, and the rabbis urged him to think his decision through. The rabbi told him "although it's a mitzvah for a divorced man to remarry his wife, a cohen is forbidden to do so. You're a cohen. If you divorce your wife, you'll never ever be able to remarry her. Under no circumstances will you be able to marry her or live with her again. Please think about your decision and be SURE that this is what you want to do." He thought about it more and came back the next day, still wanting to get divorced. The rabbi again urged him. "Are you sure?" The man had enough pressure already and urgently responded "yes, yes! I'm sure. Rabbi, I've thought about it many times already. I'm sure that we're getting divorced." And it was done. They got divorced and everything was finalized. The man was now free as a bird and ready to remarry someone and hoped to have children.

A few months passed by, and he received a phone call. It was his ex-wife. All he heard on the other end up the line was sobbing.
"Hello? Chana, hello? Is that you?"
He heard a mumbled yes through her sobs.
"Honey, honey, calm down. What is it? Are you okay, what happened?"
She could barely get out the words: I'm pregnant.

"Aa-a-are you sure?"
"Yes, I went to the doctors for check-ups and everything. And a DNA test. I'm sure. I don't know what to do..."

At that moment, everything turned into a blur for this man. His ex-wife, whom he was in love with, was carrying his child. And they could never ever be married again. The rabbinate made it clear to him. And now this child would barely be raised with a normal frum family. And the main reason he divorced his wife was because she couldn't have children!

The man was extremely distressed. He went to his Rav and asked him what to do. His Rabbi suggested that he go speak to a Gadol Hador in Israel. He flew to Israel and immediately went to this Rabbi. He cried his heart out and told him the story. "Rabbi, what do I do?" The Rabbi told him he feels very bad, but there's nothing he can do. "I suggest you go to Rav Elyashiv."

So, the man went to speak to Rav Elyashiv. After hearing the story, Rav Elyashiv took the man's hands into his own and started crying with him. "A Jew in pain is so difficult to see." He said, and then suggested "go to the Kotel. That's where Jews go when they're in pain -- go there and pray to HaShem."

The man went to the Kotel. He prayed with all of his heart and energy and tears streamed down his face. He prayed to HaShem for help and salvation. He felt helpless; he didn't know what else to do.
Another man was also by the Kotel. He witnessed this poor man, crying, looking so miserable. He slowly approached him and gently said "excuse me, I've noticed that you look very upset. Sometimes it helps, when you have a heavy heart and much on your mind, to share it with another Jew. Would you like to tell me what happened?"

It was true. He had a lot of emotions bottled up, and so, he figured - why not? He told the stranger his story, and the stranger listened but remained silent. After hearing everything, he asked the man "are either of your parents still alive?"
"Well, yes. Just my father."
"Go speak to him. Tell him the story."
"Speak to my father? He's very old and in a nursing home. He's barely functioning...he often doesn't even respond when people speak to him."
"Listen, just go and speak to him. Your heart is heavy. It'll help you to share this with him."

The man wasn't foolish. He realized -- there's a connection. His Rav sent him to the Rav in Israel, who sent him to Rav Elyashiv, who sent him to the Kotel, and now he met this guy who's suggesting that he speak his father. Why not? It's worth a shot.

Eventually, the man flew back to the US. When he was there, he paid his father a visit. His father's eyes were closed, and he was laying down in his hospital bed with machines beeping around him.
The man sighed and decided that regardless whether or not his father could hear him, he's sharing the story. So again, with much turmoil burning inside of him, he relayed the whole story. He poured his heart out. How he regrets his decision, how much his exwife is suffering, how much the child will suffer and miss out on, how he flew to Israel to all these different people and now is back in the US without an answer. Still suffering. Tears flowed down his face, and he buried his face in his hands.

Amidst his sobs, he heard a voice.
"Remarry your wife." His father said.
What did he just say? My father MUST be crazy. This is just further proof that he's not "here" and not functioning, the man thought.
"Father, I can't remarry her. I'm a cohen."
"No, you're not."
Is he senile?
"Father, you are a cohen, and therefore, I am a cohen." The man patiently explained.
"No, son. I am a cohen, but you are not a cohen."
"What do you mean?"
"Your mother and I weren't able to have children together. So, we adopted. You are adopted. We never wanted to tell you, & we were advised to treat you as if you were our biological son. Therefore, you are not really a cohen."

The man was shocked.
And of course, BH, he remarried his wife, and she gave birth to a healthy baby.


What do we learn from this (true) story? No matter how dark your life seems, or how hopeless a situation seem -- it NEVER is hopeless. HaShem always helps us. He's just waiting for us to make an effort and pray to Him!
Let's say the man in the story accepted his exwife's pregnancy as fact; without ever consulting a Rav. Or just consulting one Rav. He probably would've never found out that he's not a cohen, and he would've never been able to remarry his wife. The child would grow up without his father as his mother's husband. It's BECAUSE the man CARED enough to find salvation, and he SOUGHT answers and clarity --- that's why his case was solved!

As Rabbi Frand beautifully puts it:
"All too often, people have terrible problems. They cannot imagine how these terrible problems will ever be resolved. They need to realize that the salvation of G-d comes in the blink of an eye.
There are so many times in life when salvation of G-d comes in the blink of an eye. We can bang our heads against the wall and wail "What's going to be! What's going to be!" But things suddenly turn around. That is why the Torah emphasizes "they RUSHED him [Yosef] out of the pit". Things can turn around on a dime."

We need to seek HaShem. It doesn't matter what the situation is. Whether it's growing closer to Him, or doing well in school and on finals, or restoring our health, or sending us our zivugim -- we need G-d's help! We even need G-d's help, not ONLY for doing positive mitzvot, but also to keep us from doing an avera. For not speaking lashon hara, for not disrespecting our parents, not sleeping late and missing davening/minyan.
Nothing is difficult for G-d. He can give us anything in less than a second.
We need Him for every "little" thing. And we can never, ever give up. a Jew doesn't give up. Why? Because we have HaShem. And NOTHING is impossible for HaShem. He created every single concept in this world...from our families to our emotions to our surroundings.

I was speaking to a friend of mine about dating. This friend has been dating for quite a while already (b"H she should find her zivug b'karov; she really deserves a wonderful husband) and has dated more than 50 different men. At that time, I had recently went through a difficult break-up with someone that I had very strong feelings for, and the guy cha-cha danced all over my heart. I complained to her..."oh, Jessica. I'm so disheartened now. I'm terrified of dating --what if this happens again?"
She told me a story of how a man was once trying to open a radio station. He was rejected by the first 15 labels he tried. But he kept trying. On the 33rd attempt, he finally MADE it, and eventually, produced 50 radio stations.
"Sefardi Gal, I'm telling you this because you can't give up." Maybe guy (or girl) #15 rejects you, and even guy #30, but guy #33 can be THE ONE to change it all for you. And you'll never know unless you keep trying -- and reach that special number!

May we all have the strength to know that HaShem loves ALL of us, and He never gives up on any of us, so we shouldn't give up on Him - either! Especially NOW, during this holy spiritual time period of Shovavim -- keep praying, and b"H we'll all see daily yeshuot v'nechamot in our lives! :)

The Whole World is A Very Narrow Bridge...and the main thing to recall is to have no fear at all

Sometimes I think about my life as an old, bitter lady with a few cats, living all alone. Never married. No children. It's a scary thought...
a lot of people (myself included) brush it off with "chas v'shalom" but sometimes, my yetzer hara nudges me: "what if?"
What if it would actually happen?

The answer, my friends, is that all it takes is ONE moment. One day. HaShem can turn your whole life around. It's that one phone call that can happen any fateful day. That day that you're just cleaning your room, and a shadchan or friend calls and tells you that (s)he has someone for you. That day that you're studying for an exam or driving back from work. It can be any moment, any second. It can be today, or tomorrow, or the next day. It can be next week, this month, next month, next year, or in a few years.
It's possible that today is lonely. Today you had a bad experience. Today you feel miserable. But that can all change in a split second. These experiences build us up as people to be stronger and have more clarity. And as a result, we'll appreciate the good when it comes our way -- we'll appreciate it in a manner that we never would have if we hadn't experienced the "negative" moments.

We just can't give up our faith or our tefillot. Because it could be your tefillah TODAY that will change tomorrow, which will, in turn, change the rest of your life. It's davka the moments that we are MOST upset or disheartened that should drive us to daven because as the pasuk in Tehillim says "G-d is close to the broken-hearted and saves those with a crushed spirit" (Tehillim 34:19).

I have a very close friend who went out with a terrific guy, who would've done anything for her. He was your typical "prince charming" in many ways and cared about her deeply. However, for various reasons, she called it off. Right when they were soon to be engaged. The bachur kept trying to reignite their relationship, but his efforts were futile. In the back of her mind, my friend knew that he'd always be there -- in case she didn't meet anyone else, he'd always be waiting for her. She continued dating and had heart-breaking and disappointing experiences.
A couple of months later, "prince charming" got engaged. She was depressed and cried for days because she thought she missed her opportunity. She missed her zivug. She let him go - just like that, and now she'll never find anyone better. She kept dating, and really, she didn't meet anyone who even slightly measured up to him.

Frustrated yet realistic, she decided that she was tired of dating, and she came to the conclusion that she needs to take a break. She felt like she's enjoying the single life and college, and mayyybe in two years, she'll want to get married. She didn't want to be "tied" down...she liked living at home with few responsibilities. She liked not having to worry about parnassah or covering her hair. Nevertheless, she kept praying to HaShem to send her her zivug.
Right after she came to the conclusion that she's taking a long break, on an "ordinary" day...one of her mother's friends met a new customer, who was very friendly and told her that he's trying to marry off his son. She called up my friend's mother, told her about the family and the guy, the guy called my friend, and voila. The rest is history. They're building their home together now.
When I asked her if he measures up to her ex-"prince charming" - she responded: "No...he doesn't measure up. He (her fiance) is even better than I could ever imagine." And smiled.
I received tremendous chizzuk from this friend.
Moral of the story (what I learned, anyway): we might think we're ready, but HaShem knows better. We might think we're not ready, but HaShem knows better. Regardless of our conclusions, we must never submit to our yetzer hara and stop praying or think that our zivug isn't out there. If someone we once thought is our zivug is now married -- then (s)he wasn't our zivug! Someone who's even better for you is out there. As my Mother tells me: "every pot has a lid" -- your lid is out there, and HaShem knows exactly where that person is! Don't give up. Don't throw in the towel just yet, because your life can get better than you've ever imagined and dreamed. :)