A "he's-just-that-into-you" moment.
Here’s my theory: when a guy asks a gal “so, what kind of guy are you looking for?” he’s either completely interested in her, has a friend in mind for her, or is looking for her to describe a personality that is polar opposite to his so that he can tell the shadchan that he’s not what SHE is looking for. However, usually, if he asks that question– then the case is that he’s interested in the girl and so desperately wants to know if he matches her ideal type.
Am I right?
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Usually, I'm just trying to find out if her values and expectations for a husband/father are compatible with the values and expectations I have for myself as a husband/father. Major differences/disagreements are a valid reason to say "I don't see this working out." But I do believe most things can be worked through, if people are open and flexible about it.
ReplyDeleteSo when I ask that question, it's usually to see if she's super nit-picky or flexible. Does she look for a guy who learns many hours every day and makes lots of money and will help out at home doing chores and play with the kids and take her out on dates all the time when they're married and always be at minyan and help the kids get ready in the morning? Then maybe I can't live up to the Super-Jew image of a husband/marriage, and I'd rather not try and fail miserably.
If her values fit well with my friend's values, I'll make a suggestion.
Guys who desperately want to match a woman's "ideal type" very likely lack self-confidence. Who cares if I match her ideal type? Either she chooses to date me or not. If not, I'll move on to someone who chooses to date me. Finito.
And if I'm not interested, I can just use 'ol reliable: "I don't see it going anywhere." Cliche of the century, but it works.
Remember always the numerous Jews who are happily married to people who were totally different from “what they were looking for.”
ReplyDeleteIsh Yehudi - hm...interesting. It seems like you have a very mature and thoughtful approach to dating.
ReplyDeleteBut I don't think most men are thinking about all of those factors when asking this question. I think this question is a good indicator that they ARE interested, and therefore, just trying out to find out more information about the gal.
"And if I'm not interested, I can just use 'ol reliable: "I don't see it going anywhere." Cliche of the century, but it works." - it doesn't work. People want answers. Why isn't it going anywhere? What was lacking?
Mr. Cohen - that's true, but I think everyone should have a minimum requirement and know which values are pertinent and which are not. They should not compromise on what is valuable to them!
(For example, I was recently speaking to a close friend of mine. She's a very special and amazing person, who has been dating for many years, and understandly, is fed up with dating. We were discussing whether or not she should date men who are not-yet-shomer-Shabbat, and I was completely encouraging her to solely date shomer-Shabbat men. Aside from the importance and holiness of Shabbat, it is an integral part of one's observance that has a singificant impact on the household, children, etc. It is not a valid compromise to date someone who is on a completely different religious path. So, one has to know what to compromise on.)
Ish Yehudi - Argggg. Apparently, the bulk of my comment in response to yours somehow disappeared.
ReplyDeleteLet's try this again:
It seems like you have a mature and thoughtful approach to dating and that you genuinely give each date of yours valid consideration as a potential wife. However, I don't think most men have the same approach. I'm pretty sure they decide within the first 2 minutes (or even first couple of seconds) if they're interested in the girl or not. If they are, then they'll ask her the question of "so, what kind of guy are you looking for?" if not, they probably won't ask her -- unless they're looking for a reason to break-up with her and think that she's good for one of their friends. Ex: "oh, she said she wants someone who likes to eat healthy. That's not me. Oh well. (Yay!)"
"And if I'm not interested, I can just use 'ol reliable: "I don't see it going anywhere." Cliche of the century, but it works." - it doesn't work. People want answers. Why isn't it going anywhere? What was lacking?
hmm why would someone ask that once they're out? It soudns like a very straight forrward question, the type that you'd ask a shadchan. I'd be really disapointed to be asked that while being out, because at that point, i would think that its a potentail match if we are out and that once on a date, it's very much about getting a feel for each other, and personalities. No?
ReplyDeleteYedid Nefesh - true, but I've learned quite a while ago that there're certain things that men do and say that have nothing to do with logic. :P
ReplyDeleteThe question comes out of insecurity. Chaim like Chani and wants to make sure that Chani is looking for a guy like him. If she's not, he'll try and become the kind of guy she's looking for. If her answer is a challenge, he'll take out the challenge - bc guys seem to hate easiness. They go for what's hard to get. And then they complain why girls play mind games and bla bla bla.
(Unless, of course, her answer is completely ridiculous.)
*take on the challenge.
ReplyDeleteYou think the guy would try to become what the girl is looking fr? i feel like its more of a girl thing to do...
ReplyDeleteif i were chani, if i liked chaim, id describe him and if i didnt id make it clear we are not for each other :)
(sorry for the delay in responding)