How Sweet It Is

This past Tuesday, my not-yet-religious relative went to do some quick grocery shopping. She saw a religious man, with nice, kind eyes, small white peyot, a long white beard.
They were both picking out some grapes from the produce section.
"How are the grapes? Are they good?" The religious man asked my relative.
"I think so. Why don't you taste one and find out?"
"No, I can't. It wouldn't be right."
"But you're tasting in order to buy them! Why not?"
"No. I can't. If I'd like to taste it, I have to first ask permission from the seller."

My relative was sure that the seller would refuse.

The man came back a minute later and said "yes, the seller permitted me to try the grape." He tried one, liked it, and bought the bunch of grapes.

Shocked, this relative told me "you know, it never even occurred to me...that a person has to ask. I was so proud of him for conducting himself in such an honest way. Kol Hakavod."

In the Shacharit tefillah of "Ahavat Olam", we ask HaShem to help us "lilmod u'lelamed" - to learn and to teach.
Our actions are the best teachers. Always attempt to act in a straight, rightful way because your actions are examples. HaShem is always watching us, but there are also people watching and learning from even your simplest decision.

A friend of mine recently shared a fantastic concept with me. Simply put: "every time you say no to something, you're saying yes to something else. Every time you say yes to something, you're saying no to something else."

I wonder if any of them made grape kabobs. That picture is making me hungry.

Shabbat Shalom u'Mevurach!

An Unexpected Teacher

I was on the subway & feeling drained. 'Twas a long day. Sometimes an individual can forget why (s)he is here. That the whole purpose of our existence is to do good. To fulfill Torah and mitzvot.
I'm embarrassed to admit that at that moment, I wasn't focusing on my mission. I was just tired. I was fed up.

An African American man arrived on my subway car and was about to make a speech.
Oh great. Another speech about jesus or money. I silently dreaded.

But to my pleasant surprise, this speech was different. And was a huge wake up call for me.
I don't remember the beginning of the speech, but the middle to end went something like the following:

"I'd like to tell y'all that I wasn't always a good guy. I used to do bad things. But then I realized that I can change. I want y'all to know that - you can always change! You can be in the dark, but you're not trapped. Just step into the light. Just like that.
G-d is waiting for you. He will accept you regardless of where you've been.
And I want y'all to know...that G-d is great not SOME of the time, but ALL of the time. He is great."

I felt like he was sent to speak directly to me. Kinda selfish, I know. But hey - each person should feel like the world was created for himself/herself, right?
What was the message I got? Do teshuva. Know that everything is l'tova. Gam zu l'tova - BECAUSE G-d is always great and right. Not only sometimes. But at all times.

Chodesh tov. May this chodesh Nissan be full of personal redemptions for each one of you and all of Klal Yisrael.

The Right Choice

I'm a big fan of games. Board games, video games, computer games, and...
mind games.
Even more so, I'm a fan of "if you HAD to choose..."
Some of my friends and I joke around -- like "if you had to choose between having 2 noses or 4 ears, which would you choose?"

Sometimes, a serious one pops up. I remember my best friend and I having that discussion many moons ago. It was an externally quiet night, but if my inner-turmoil could be heard, the noise would be pretty deafening.

We were taking a walk and decided to sit down on a nearby bench and spill our hearts out to each other. We were both overcoming messy break-ups/relationships and were just...
*sigh*
miserable. Heartbroken. Forlorn.
She was thinking of her mister, and I was thinking of Mr. Sir (if any of my long-time readers remember him from previously deleted posts...yep, it's the same Mr. Sir.)
My best friend and I looked into each other's eyes. Our heads slightly bent to the side. One of us popped the question: "if you had to get married & spend your life with one guy that you know...any guy that you know - who would you choose?"
Ironically enough, she chose her mister, and I chose Mr. Sir. A decision made despite both of them doing the salsa, cha-cha, and macarena dance all over our hearts and leaving us to suffer.
"Why would you choose him?" She asked.
"Well, I suppose out of everyone I've dated, he's the one I've felt most secure and comfortable with, and I was & still am very emotionally connected to him."
She nodded in agreement. And we sat in silence for a while.
I've had happier evenings.

Yep. It was gloomy. I remember the feeling so vividly...the feeling strikes me inside, somewhere...maybe my neshama. It's like this stinging feeling combined with cringing and butterflies.
If that makes sense.

FFWD to many moons later...AKA now/not too long ago.
The same question came up in my mind. Except, my outlook is different, and therefore, my answer has changed.
Mr. Sir is gone. Thankfully, he's not a motivating factor for much in my life anymore. I've come to realize that my reasons for choosing him were entirely self-centered. I felt secure. I felt emotionally connected. I felt comfortable. But what about him? A relationship can't be based on one person. It takes two. As cheesy and cliche as it may sound, nevertheless, it takes two to become one.
And so, I started thinking about the list: out of all the guys I know and dated, who would I choose?
And so I thought...
and thought...
and reminisced...
about:
-the rich ones
-the physically attractive ones
-the very frum ones
-the intelligent ones
-the rebellious ones/bad-boy-types

and I realized...NO. I wouldn't choose any of them.
The one I'd choose is the one who had amazing middot. Who was kind, understanding, giving, caring, sensitive, warm, and friendly. The one who treated me like a person and respected me, and as a result, made me feel comfortable. He was interested in me...for me. He genuinely appreciated me. Not for artificial reasons.
The one I'd choose would be that one. The one who every time he sees me, he stops to say hello and wishes me well. The one who I'm 100% sure prayed for me, regardless of the fact that I was the heartbreaker who (perhaps, prematurely) ended the relationship.

For all the singles out there, I think it's beneficial to ponder: who would you choose? And why?
Your reasoning is very important because it'll help direct you with prioritizing your "list". It'll make you realize what really counts in a spouse, and what you should really be focusing on when you're dating.

Lemonade

I was doing some self-reflection lately (as usual -- sometimes I wish I could just press the OFF button for a few minutes), and I realized that my outlook towards dating has changed a lot throughout the past year or so.

So what's the result of this metamorphosis?

Well, overall, I'm a much happier, less depressed dater. Here's why:

1) Emunah in HaKadosh Baruch Hu
I realized that when I just commenced on my dating journey, I thought I had emunah in HaShem, but I really didn't. Sure, I was davening, but I felt a certain amount of disdain and discomfort before and after a date. I had feelings of skeptism and bitterness.

I read an incredible book called Growth Through Tehillim by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin. It shaped my perspective towards emunah, and therefore, having emunah throughout the dating process.

Even though I'm still on the journey, and I'm not sure when I'll meet my zivug, I feel a lot more confident that HaShem is with me. I'm not worried anymore. I know that everyone and everything has a "sha'ah tova" (right timing).

2) Learning Opportunities
I view each date as an opportunity to get to know another fellow Jew and learn something from him. I remember writing about that in the early days of my blog (over a year ago), but I don't think I really internalized that concept.
I now have a mental list of at least one new thought/fact/inspiration/halacha that each person I've dated has taught me.
For example, one guy told me that it's halacha to wash your hands before davening. I kinda knew that before, but I barely followed it. But after he mentioned it, I decided to take it upon myself. (Okay, I admit that I didn't do much research after he told me that -- but either way, he taught me something & had a positive influence on me.)

3) No More Settling
I often felt like I was settling (on hashkafah, religious level, physical appearance, age, etc.) and I realized that settling isn't exactly helping anyone. It was hurting both my dates and myself.
So why was I settling??
Because I allowed shadchanim to push me. I had a problem with saying "no", which led me to 1st and 2nd dates that I was dreading, and negative feelings towards both shadchanim and dating, in general.
I'm still working on it, but I've learned to say NO to shadchanim...no matter how much they push. Regardless if they're rude or tell me I'm being too picky. I've learned to stop giving pity 1st, 2nd, or 3rd dates. I've learned not to give pity dates solely because I feel guilty rejecting the person and think that mayyyybe there's a 1% chance that it will work out between us.

I now have my set list of what I'm looking for. The list doesn't consists of dealbreakers; the list consists of what I AM looking for. Positive connotation.
There are qualities I will absolutely not settle for. Shadchanim have gotten upset, and so have the guys. And I'm sorry. Be'emet. I don't want to hurt or frustrate anybody.
But honestly, this is MY life. At the end of the day, I'm the one who will have to deal with the person; it's going to be my marriage -- not the shadchan's. Nobody has the right to tell me what to do (except HaShem, and in certain cases - my Rabbi and Parents.)

I realize that might sound somewhat arrogant, but I'm a stubborn (read: determined :D) person, and I don't appreciate other people running my life.

4) Refer To A Friend
Whenever a match is suggested to me, or after a date that I clearly know is not for me, or after I hear of/meet a new shadchan, I carefully try to think if any of my single friends would be interested. If so, I refer them to the Shadchan/the guy. B"H I have set up quite a few friends, and one of them recently got engaged. :)

B"H being a happier dater has definitely contributed to me being a much happier person.

May we all have the clarity to make the right decisions regarding dating and marriage!

Wake Up Calls

A dear reader of mine recently addressed the tragedies that have taken place over the past 2 weeks or so. The murder of the Fogel family, the tsunami in Japan, conflict in Egypt & Libya, etc.
As per yesterday, the bombing in Jerusalem has, unfortunately, been added to that list.

I (hope) many are wondering - what's going on? Why is this happening? What is the purpose that HaShem is making these events happen?
Afterall, nothing is by chance, and there's Hashgacha Pratit (Divine Providence) with EVERYTHING in the world - from "minor things" like plants growing to major world events and politics.
(See somewhat related post here)



(Just a preface to what I'm about to share: the word "olam" (world) has the shoresh of Ayin.Lamed.Mem. - which means "hidden". The essence of this world is that there're matters that are hidden to us. That means that we never know all of the facts, and we're merely viewing a few seconds out of the 5 hour movie. Our perception is blurred, and we're missing a lot of the facts -- which will remain hidden until HaShem reveals them to us in Olam Haba. So when we delve into the meaning behind these tragedies, we can never know the full story. We can suggest possibilities and try our best to perceive the limited version. We have yet to fully understand G-d's ways.)

My friend shared the following powerful mashal with me:

there was a man whose only son was gravely ill. He rushed his dear son to the hospital, and the doctors operated on the son and tried their best. The father was crying, panicking, and praying. He would give anything to see his son live and be healthy.

The doctors could only find one solution to the son's illness. A nearly unheard of solution, but nonetheless, it was a cure! So, one doctor approached the worried father and said "sir, your son is going to live...but under one condition. It's a very difficult condition, but are you willing to do it?"

"Of course! Anything!" was the anxious response.

The doctor instructed "your son can not sleep at all this whole week. If he falls asleep, it's a sure thing that he will die. After a week, bring him in for a check up, but until then, you must do everything in your power to make sure he doesn't fall asleep - or else, unfortunately, he will pass away."

The father was determined to do everything in his might to take care of his beloved son and make sure he lives. He took his son home and purposely didn't let him change into pjamas. He gave him sweets and caffeine in order to keep him awake. Eventually, in the AM hours, his son got very sleepy. The son went to bed, and the father yelled "No! Son, you can't sleep! You might die if you sleep. Please, I love you. I can't lose you. It's very important that you do not sleep."
The child was startled by the news, and he tried his best to stay awake.

But his body wasn't responding. He had a tremendous urge to sleep. His body felt weak, and he couldn't keep his eyes open. He snuck into bed and began to shut his eyes and fall asleep. His father noticed, and he followed him and took off his blanket. The son was cold. "Dad, you're so mean! Stop! Give me back my blanket. Let me sleep! I'm so tired."

At this point, he was too tired to understand what was going on - his body was tired. He wanted to sleep!

After a while without the blanket, the son got comfortable and got used to laying down without a blanket - and was falling asleep. The father yelled "no!" and took away the pillow.

The son began crying. "Why are you being so mean, Dad? Let me sleep! I don't care. Please, give me back my pillow! I just want to sleep."

It hurt the father so much to see his son in pain, but he didn't want to lose his son.

Eventually, the son became comfortable because he got used to laying down without a pillow, and he began falling asleep. The father quickly picked up his son and put him on the cold floor. Again, his son began crying and screaming "Dad, you're so mean! Why are you doing this to me? I said I don't care what happens if I sleep. I just want to sleep!"

The father didn't know what to do. Didn't his son realize how comfort is not the main priority at the moment?

The father began crying and realized that he can't hurt his son. He loves his son too much - he can't hurt him, but he also can't let him sleep. So, he decided to hire professionals to keep his son awake. The professionals came, but they weren't as nice and caring as the father. They spilled cold water on the son, they hit him, they beat him - anything to make sure he stayed awake, so that he wouldn't die.

The son continously cried, yelled, and felt tortured. Could life get any worse?

In the end, the son didn't fall asleep for a few days, and he was cured! He then understood how all of the pain and difficulty of being abused and forced to stay awake is what kept him alive.

Not quite a story you hear every day, right?

The nishmal is that HaShem is our Father. Chazal teach us that originally, G-d wanted to give the neshamot instant Gan Eden, but the neshamot complained that they don't want a freebie. They want to earn the reward. So, HaShem puts us in this world and tells our neshamot to "keep the mitzvot, follow My Torah, love your fellow Jews..."

But our neshamot come into this world and start getting comfortable. We get used to our lifestyle. We see that we don't get struck by lightning when we commit a wrong deed. We see that life goes on and no major tragedy occurs, and therefore, we continue following in our own ways. We close our eyes.

HaShem, like the father in the story, knows that we can't become too comfortable or else we'll "fall asleep" (sin). If we fall asleep, we can, chas v'shalom die. (If we sin our whole lives -- we miss out on olam haba! We won't get our reward.) We can't get olam haba if we sin our whole lives! So, He sends us wake up calls - but gently. Just like the father wasn't abusing the son, rather he was gently taking away his blanket and pillow. But nothing major. So HaShem makes tragedies happen in Japan or Afgahnistan - far away from the Jews. As a wake up call. (I've heard in a shiur, perhaps the Rabbi quoted a Gemara -- I don't remember -- that whenever a tragedy occurs in the world, it's a wake up call for the Jews to do teshuva. The tragedy was really intended for us, but HaShem has mercy on us.)

So, the wake up call works for a while. But then...it fades. We get comfortable without the pillow and blanket. We continue sinning.

So HaShem says "okay...you're My children...even though it's for your benefit, it's too difficult for Me to hurt you." So He hires "professionals." The Satan gets involved and sends our enemies...the Arabs, or whoever else. And they send us direct wake up calls. They come too close for comfort.

We think these events are so horrible - and yes, they are. They're painful - but ultimately, everything is for our benefit. To keep us AWAKE and not lose focus and get too comfortable doing averot. Adversity shakes us. It reminds us that we're not here forever. This world is transient.

One might find the transient concept to be depressing, but it's not. On the contrary! It's a reassuring thought. It's positive reinforcement: we have the potential to change. To grow. To do more mitzvot. To take on at least one new good deed - be it shmirat halashon, studying more Torah, standing up for our parents at least once a day as part of kibud Av v'Em, greeting people with a smile, giving maaser/tzdaka, saying kriyat shema before going to sleep, etc. Anything that will help us grow closer to HaKadosh Baruch Hu! He wants a relationship with us, and He wants us to have a relationship with our fellow brothers and sisters.

These holy Jews who were murdered simply because they're Jewish have done a Kiddush HaShem and are instantly in Gan Eden right now. I have no doubt about that. So we're not worried for them -- their neshamot are doing well. But we need to worry about our own neshamot...because we're still here, and we need to make our time productive...while we still can.
B"H, not one Jew was not killed. Most were not severely injured. However, some were. And it is our responsibility to daven for them to have a speedy recovery. "Kol Yisrael Areivim Zeh L'Zeh"
Now's our opportunity to show HaShem how much we care.
The names of the injured victims:
Leah Bracha bas Shoshana Basya
Sara Nechama bas Rus Malka
Odelia Neshama bas Michal
Shilo ben Zahava Ofra
Daniel Yehuda ben Rochel Nurit
Elchonon Ovadia ben Eilona
Yisroel ben Dina
Nosson Daniel ben Shulamis
Shaindel bat Raizel

B"H may we all have clarity to always see the right path, follow that path, and stay on the right path!

Modern Day Purim Miracle

Can a couple still have children after 33 years waiting and praying for a first child?

Yup. Baruch HaShem! This should teach us all that we should never give up hope, and anything is possible for HaShem, Who is the Creator and Sustainer of the universe.

Article below:

For 33 years, the Rebbe of the Mevakshei Emunah Hasidism in Jerusalem prayed for a miracle that would help his wife become pregnant and give him a son.

On Friday it almost happened: At the age of 52, Rabbi Yoel Kahn's wife gave birth to twin girls, which brought him a lot of happiness but not the heir he had been waiting for.

Rabbi Kahn and his wife, both offspring of noble ultra-Orthodox families, were married in Jerusalem in 1978 and settled in the neighborhood of Mea Shearim. They tried to conceive a child for years, but were unsuccessful despite dozens of fertility treatments and the family members' prayers.

Rebbe wasn't worried
Rabbi Kahn is the younger brother of the leaders of the Toldot Aharon and Toldot Avraham Yitzhak Hasidism, whose members are nicknamed "zebras" due to their striped coats. Thirteen years ago he founded his own small Hasidism, called Mevakshei Emunah.

The Hasidism is comprised of only 30 families, but every week the Rebbe visits a different community in Israel in a bid to recruit followers, and so many people across the country were aware of the couple's attempts to conceive and prayed for the fertility treatments' success.

All that time, the Rebbe himself was not worried. His followers say he was convinced he would eventually become a father. According to rumors in the Hasidism, before his death the Rebbe's father promised his son that he would have children.

'It's a Purim miracle'
Eventually, the Rebbetzin became pregnant and gave birth to twin girls at the age of 52, after 33 years of infertility. The babies were born on pregnancy week 31 and were immediately placed in an incubator.

According to sources in the Hasidism, the rabbi's wife initially carried three fetuses – two girls and a boy – but the boy did not survive.

Rabbi Kahn's Hasidim rushed to the hospital to celebrate the joyous occasion with drinks and dances. "It's a Purim miracle," one of them said. "We are called 'Mevakshei Emunah' (faith seekers), and now we see that three decades of faith did help."

Another Hasid explained that "today fertility treatments are not such a big deal in the haredi sector, and anyone who needs them can do it. Judaism wants us to try to have children, and even if people don't talk about it – it's clear to everyone that treatments were involved."

And what about a successor to lead the Hasidism after the Rebbe's death? The Hasidim are not giving up and hope Rabbi Kahn will still have a son. "You can have children till the age of 55," one of them says. "We continue to pray with complete faith that our rabbi will also be blessed with a son."

A Boot Tale

It was only October, but it was getting chilly, and I knew that it was time to purchase nice, new flat boots.
I went into a store and tried on beautiful boots. I looked at them with lovie dovie eyes. Oh, boots, how nice you look! Modest and fancy. Bold yet subtle. Fashionable yet quiet.
I looked at the price and debated. They were pricey. The small rational voice popped in my head and nudged: come on! It's for shidduchim.

You are so right, Ms. Voice-in-my-head.

I bought them with a smile. Left the store with a smile. And came home with a smile. (Am I too materialistic? Hmmm.)

I had a date a week later. I proudly donned the boots. FAIL
FFWD to the next week. FAIL
FFWD again. FAIL
and again.
and again.
and again.
and again.
FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL. MAJOR FAIL!

The boots were crying to me. Oh, all we've done is parade around many different places and boroughs, and now, we're getting old. Our color is fading. The material isn't as shiny as it once was.

My friend and I were talking on the phone about clothing (of course), and she told me about a new pair of beige boots she bought. She envisioned wearing them while dating her hubby. But no. She didn't meet him yet. And her boots are not staying clean.
"yeah, I know what you mean. My boots were reserved for Mr. Right, but now they're slowly deteriorating."

I partially joked with her that HaShem should please send us our zivugim while our boots are still alive and well!

The next day I texted her "my boots aren't getting any younger."

If I recall correctly, her response was along the lines of "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Gotta love my friendies!