Heart Healing

(Whoa! Two posts in one day?
What can I say...I'm an extreme person at times.)

Ever had your heart torn into pieces and then had the perpetrator dance the cha cha all over it?

There's a reason why, my friends! 

Ok...this post is coming at a really random time because I wanted to write about this ages ago and then forgot. So, now that I remember, I really hope it'll give chizzuk to whomever.

Anyone remember my Green Monster post?
It's no longer up here. (There's no proof that I wrote it!! Mwahahaha)
Basically, the post was about how there was a guy I was positive I was going to marry. I obsessed over him for weeks until finally he asked around about me, and we were going to date and then marry and live happily after.
That is... only after he'd finish taking his finals, of course.

My best friend told me to cool it down. I was getting too worked up.
She was right.

Well, anyway, as I was planning our wedding,
I had a friend tell me that she's dating an amazing guy.
Really? Awesome.
Totally not politically correct in the world of shidduchim, but I asked her for his name.
And then my heart sank.
It was the guy. The one who was supposedly too busy to date me because he was taking his finals.

Needless to say, I was crazy. And heart broken.
It wasn't her fault at all, but I was mad at this friend. Afterall, I was nuts. And had heart pains.

Anyway, eventually, I got over it and was super happy for her.
And super miserable for my single self.

FFWD to after I met my hubby.

I saw this friend, and we were catching up. My hubby and her hubby began talking, and then were standing in front of us.
I took one look ahead and thought "wow. My husband is so much kinder, smarter, holier, and better looking than that guy is! How could I have ever been so nuts to think that other guy would be my fiance?!"

Yeah. It was a super great moment.

I went through many heartbreaks while dating. In particular, there were four guys who I dated and wanted to marry. All four didn't want me.
Each time, it was tragic. I indulged in many gummy candies and morbid break up songs.

There're times when I ponder about what my life would've been like if I married any of those guys. And then I realize: wow. How good HaShem is! How generous and kind. How he protected me from being in a bad marriage, and how my husband is so much better than all of them combined :)

The song "ki hirbeta tovot elai, tovot elai" pops into my head. (See link below.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lmL6LkjqbI

We often only see HaShem's chessed in hindsight, but boy is it amazing when we see how He watches over us.

So all you singles still in solo land --

BH you'll see one day how every single heartbreak was for the best. Just keep HaShem in the picture, and daven daven daven!

BTW, all 4 of them are still single (at least, the last time I heard of them or saw them.) And Mr. Sir had another broken engagement. What a surprise.

Ok I should stop being mean.
I'm sorry. I hope all four of you bachelors get married. To amazing women. Really.
(so that those women will change you and help you stop being losers.)
Omgosh, stop it Sefardi Gal. That was SO rude.

Shabbat Shalom u'Mevorach to all :)

"You've bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you."

(10 virtual chocolate chip cookies if you can guess where the title line is from.)

I'm a fan of period dramas, most of which are based on books.
(My favorites are Washington Square, Jane Eyre, North & South, and Pride & Prejudice.)
I don't remember precisely when my appreciation for these dramas began. Ever since my early teenage years, I delved into the realm of thoughts; life, existence, purpose, and of course, my admiration of truly meaningful relationships. In particular, I remember enjoying these period-dramas during my late high school years. High school was enough of a drag, and I often tuned it out by creating my own exclusive emotional paradise.

What can I say? I'm a hopeless (hopeful?) romantic till the end.

Jane Austen is commonly the most famous of the period-drama authors. All of her storylines, as well as many of the others, often share similar themes:
1) opposites attract
2) first impressions and stereotypes are often misjudgments; there's more to a person than what meets the eye.

The poor gal with the rich guy. The smart, chutzpahdik fair maiden with the proper mannered fellow. The rude, conceited guy who turns out to have many layers to him -- and is in fact a kind-hearted and sensitive individual. The plain-looking gal with the ravishing, wealthy dude.
Those who were at first repulsed by each other eventually become head-over-heels in love, not because of their physical attributes, family, or fortune, rather because of their virtues and morals.

One of my favorite dialogues in Pride and Prejudice:Mr. Darcy: Miss Elizabeth. I have struggled in vain, and I can bear it no longer. These past months have been a torment. I came to Rosings with the single object of seeing you...I had to see you. I have fought against my better judgment, my family's expectations, the inferiority of your birth by rank and circumstance. All these things I am willing to put aside and ask you to end my agony.
Elizabeth: I don't understand.
Mr. Darcy: I love you. Most ardently. Please do me the honor of accepting my hand.
Elizabeth: Sir, I appreciate the struggle you have been through, and I am very sorry to have caused you pain. Believe me, it was unconsciously done.
Mr. Darcy: Is this your reply?
Elizabeth: Yes, sir.
Mr. Darcy: Are you...are you laughing at me?
Elizabeth: No.
Mr. Darcy: Are you rejecting me?
Elizabeth: I'm sure that the feelings which, as you've told me have hindered your regard, will help you in overcoming it.
Mr. Darcy: Might I ask why, with so little endeavor at civility, I am thus repulsed?
Elizabeth: And I might as well enquire why, with so evident a design of insulting me, you chose to tell me that you liked me against your better judgment.

Do they get married and experience true love in the end?

It might be the storyline, the characters, the raw emotions, the professions of love, the beautiful scenery, or a combination of all the above that hooks me and leads me to wonder...
perhaps misjudgements are often prematurely made in life, especially when it comes to dating. Do people always deserve a second chance? Or do these stories only exist in fantasy, period-drama-novel-movie land?

A light at the end of the tunnel

I was at a chagiga, and a Rabbi came to speak to us gals. This time, I was really, REALLY hoping the shiur wouldn't be about dating. My mind pleaded "please, PLEASE. I'm finally AWAY from all eligible bachelors. I'm at an all girls party. It's a motzei-Shabbat. PLLLLEEEAAASE don't bring it up."

So, of course, he brought it up.
Except, ironically enough, I'm grateful that he did. It was an INCREDIBLE shiur because it included an amazingly moving story with a wonderful message. I don't think I'll ever forget it. Here goes:

There was a man who was married to his wife for over 10 years. Unfortunately, his wife couldn't have children, and her husband greatly contemplated the issue and decided that although he very much loves his wife, he desperately wants his own children; it would be best to get divorced. He went to the rabbinate to give her a get, and the rabbis urged him to think his decision through. The rabbi told him "although it's a mitzvah for a divorced man to remarry his wife, a cohen is forbidden to do so. You're a cohen. If you divorce your wife, you'll never ever be able to remarry her. Under no circumstances will you be able to marry her or live with her again. Please think about your decision and be SURE that this is what you want to do." He thought about it more and came back the next day, still wanting to get divorced. The rabbi again urged him. "Are you sure?" The man had enough pressure already and urgently responded "yes, yes! I'm sure. Rabbi, I've thought about it many times already. I'm sure that we're getting divorced." And it was done. They got divorced and everything was finalized. The man was now free as a bird and ready to remarry someone and hoped to have children.

A few months passed by, and he received a phone call. It was his ex-wife. All he heard on the other end up the line was sobbing.
"Hello? Chana, hello? Is that you?"
He heard a mumbled yes through her sobs.
"Honey, honey, calm down. What is it? Are you okay, what happened?"
She could barely get out the words: I'm pregnant.

"Aa-a-are you sure?"
"Yes, I went to the doctors for check-ups and everything. And a DNA test. I'm sure. I don't know what to do..."

At that moment, everything turned into a blur for this man. His ex-wife, whom he was in love with, was carrying his child. And they could never ever be married again. The rabbinate made it clear to him. And now this child would barely be raised with a normal frum family. And the main reason he divorced his wife was because she couldn't have children!

The man was extremely distressed. He went to his Rav and asked him what to do. His Rabbi suggested that he go speak to a Gadol Hador in Israel. He flew to Israel and immediately went to this Rabbi. He cried his heart out and told him the story. "Rabbi, what do I do?" The Rabbi told him he feels very bad, but there's nothing he can do. "I suggest you go to Rav Elyashiv."

So, the man went to speak to Rav Elyashiv. After hearing the story, Rav Elyashiv took the man's hands into his own and started crying with him. "A Jew in pain is so difficult to see." He said, and then suggested "go to the Kotel. That's where Jews go when they're in pain -- go there and pray to HaShem."

The man went to the Kotel. He prayed with all of his heart and energy and tears streamed down his face. He prayed to HaShem for help and salvation. He felt helpless; he didn't know what else to do.
Another man was also by the Kotel. He witnessed this poor man, crying, looking so miserable. He slowly approached him and gently said "excuse me, I've noticed that you look very upset. Sometimes it helps, when you have a heavy heart and much on your mind, to share it with another Jew. Would you like to tell me what happened?"

It was true. He had a lot of emotions bottled up, and so, he figured - why not? He told the stranger his story, and the stranger listened but remained silent. After hearing everything, he asked the man "are either of your parents still alive?"
"Well, yes. Just my father."
"Go speak to him. Tell him the story."
"Speak to my father? He's very old and in a nursing home. He's barely functioning...he often doesn't even respond when people speak to him."
"Listen, just go and speak to him. Your heart is heavy. It'll help you to share this with him."

The man wasn't foolish. He realized -- there's a connection. His Rav sent him to the Rav in Israel, who sent him to Rav Elyashiv, who sent him to the Kotel, and now he met this guy who's suggesting that he speak his father. Why not? It's worth a shot.

Eventually, the man flew back to the US. When he was there, he paid his father a visit. His father's eyes were closed, and he was laying down in his hospital bed with machines beeping around him.
The man sighed and decided that regardless whether or not his father could hear him, he's sharing the story. So again, with much turmoil burning inside of him, he relayed the whole story. He poured his heart out. How he regrets his decision, how much his exwife is suffering, how much the child will suffer and miss out on, how he flew to Israel to all these different people and now is back in the US without an answer. Still suffering. Tears flowed down his face, and he buried his face in his hands.

Amidst his sobs, he heard a voice.
"Remarry your wife." His father said.
What did he just say? My father MUST be crazy. This is just further proof that he's not "here" and not functioning, the man thought.
"Father, I can't remarry her. I'm a cohen."
"No, you're not."
Is he senile?
"Father, you are a cohen, and therefore, I am a cohen." The man patiently explained.
"No, son. I am a cohen, but you are not a cohen."
"What do you mean?"
"Your mother and I weren't able to have children together. So, we adopted. You are adopted. We never wanted to tell you, & we were advised to treat you as if you were our biological son. Therefore, you are not really a cohen."

The man was shocked.
And of course, BH, he remarried his wife, and she gave birth to a healthy baby.


What do we learn from this (true) story? No matter how dark your life seems, or how hopeless a situation seem -- it NEVER is hopeless. HaShem always helps us. He's just waiting for us to make an effort and pray to Him!
Let's say the man in the story accepted his exwife's pregnancy as fact; without ever consulting a Rav. Or just consulting one Rav. He probably would've never found out that he's not a cohen, and he would've never been able to remarry his wife. The child would grow up without his father as his mother's husband. It's BECAUSE the man CARED enough to find salvation, and he SOUGHT answers and clarity --- that's why his case was solved!

As Rabbi Frand beautifully puts it:
"All too often, people have terrible problems. They cannot imagine how these terrible problems will ever be resolved. They need to realize that the salvation of G-d comes in the blink of an eye.
There are so many times in life when salvation of G-d comes in the blink of an eye. We can bang our heads against the wall and wail "What's going to be! What's going to be!" But things suddenly turn around. That is why the Torah emphasizes "they RUSHED him [Yosef] out of the pit". Things can turn around on a dime."

We need to seek HaShem. It doesn't matter what the situation is. Whether it's growing closer to Him, or doing well in school and on finals, or restoring our health, or sending us our zivugim -- we need G-d's help! We even need G-d's help, not ONLY for doing positive mitzvot, but also to keep us from doing an avera. For not speaking lashon hara, for not disrespecting our parents, not sleeping late and missing davening/minyan.
Nothing is difficult for G-d. He can give us anything in less than a second.
We need Him for every "little" thing. And we can never, ever give up. a Jew doesn't give up. Why? Because we have HaShem. And NOTHING is impossible for HaShem. He created every single concept in this world...from our families to our emotions to our surroundings.

I was speaking to a friend of mine about dating. This friend has been dating for quite a while already (b"H she should find her zivug b'karov; she really deserves a wonderful husband) and has dated more than 50 different men. At that time, I had recently went through a difficult break-up with someone that I had very strong feelings for, and the guy cha-cha danced all over my heart. I complained to her..."oh, Jessica. I'm so disheartened now. I'm terrified of dating --what if this happens again?"
She told me a story of how a man was once trying to open a radio station. He was rejected by the first 15 labels he tried. But he kept trying. On the 33rd attempt, he finally MADE it, and eventually, produced 50 radio stations.
"Sefardi Gal, I'm telling you this because you can't give up." Maybe guy (or girl) #15 rejects you, and even guy #30, but guy #33 can be THE ONE to change it all for you. And you'll never know unless you keep trying -- and reach that special number!

May we all have the strength to know that HaShem loves ALL of us, and He never gives up on any of us, so we shouldn't give up on Him - either! Especially NOW, during this holy spiritual time period of Shovavim -- keep praying, and b"H we'll all see daily yeshuot v'nechamot in our lives! :)