Sefardi Gal, Sefardi Gal, find me a find, catch me a...

Whenever you try to set people up and give advice, you take a risk. A risk of hurting them. And that's a big risk.

Several months after getting married, I tried to set up a close friend of mine. Let's call her Dana.
When she heard details about the suggestion, she got annoyed at me.
"But Dana, he has the qualities that really matter! Why don't you just give him a chance?"
Dana told me that I'm "becoming one of the married friends who forgets what it was like to be single."
I sympathized because I remembered such people and how much they would annoy me, but was I really becoming one of them?
I apologized to her and let it go.

BH that friend got married. And whatdya know? It was to a guy who was completely opposite of whom she pictured herself with.
I find that with most couples I know, the gal got married to someone completely different than what "everyone" pictured her with. Be it lookwise, hashkafahwise, personalitywise, etc.

FFWD to a few months ago.
A single friend came over for Shabbat. She lamented about how there are no guys to date, and how strongly she'd like to get married already.
I suggested a great guy who I know, and she seemed interested in all of the qualities that I mentioned. After hearing me out, she asked "did he go to college?"
To be honest, I wasn't sure. So I said so.
"well, in that case, no. I think I need a guy who has a masters."
I tried to convince this friend that a masters or college degree is not what makes someone a  good spouse. In fact, far from it.
What matters is a person's middot, Yirat Shamayim, and mutual chemistry/attraction.
This friend reiterated the same line that my other friend did over a year ago:
"being married made you forget what it's like to be single!"

Silly Sefardi Gal tried to set up a guy. Now, this guy looks around 10 years younger than he really is and is looking for veeeeeerrrryy specific qualities in his wife to be.
He sincerely poured his heart out, hoping for my husband and I to have sympathy. We had sympathy. Well, perhaps my husband had more than I did, since he is also a man and has better middot than I do. :D
I told the guy "listen, if you want to get married. Cut down your list and stop looking for the shtuyot. Find a woman who has Yirat Shamayim, good middot, and is fine looking, and just GET MARRIED BEFORE YOU TURN 40 and have very few women available to date."
Once you turn into an older single, you lose the liberty to be so particular.

I should just tape my mouth shut.
I apologized profusely, hoping I didn't offend him.

Sometimes being married for 2 years makes me feel like a know it all. I know. Pathetic. I have a lot to learn.
But I so often hear singles demanding qualities in a spouse that just DON'T MATTER in a successful marriage, and the obsession of those qualities is what is holding them back from finding a proper mate.
I wish my single friends would just take the time to LISTEN to people who have experience, as opposed to solely listening to their single friends who are trapped in the same boat of uncertainty.

So please, all of the singles, stop looking for the shtuyot. Look for the real deal because your husband's master degree is not what will make your marriage fulfilling, and your wife's hair color is not what's going to bring the Shechina into the home.
May HaShem grant us all with what's good for us and what we need.

Heart Healing

(Whoa! Two posts in one day?
What can I say...I'm an extreme person at times.)

Ever had your heart torn into pieces and then had the perpetrator dance the cha cha all over it?

There's a reason why, my friends! 

Ok...this post is coming at a really random time because I wanted to write about this ages ago and then forgot. So, now that I remember, I really hope it'll give chizzuk to whomever.

Anyone remember my Green Monster post?
It's no longer up here. (There's no proof that I wrote it!! Mwahahaha)
Basically, the post was about how there was a guy I was positive I was going to marry. I obsessed over him for weeks until finally he asked around about me, and we were going to date and then marry and live happily after.
That is... only after he'd finish taking his finals, of course.

My best friend told me to cool it down. I was getting too worked up.
She was right.

Well, anyway, as I was planning our wedding,
I had a friend tell me that she's dating an amazing guy.
Really? Awesome.
Totally not politically correct in the world of shidduchim, but I asked her for his name.
And then my heart sank.
It was the guy. The one who was supposedly too busy to date me because he was taking his finals.

Needless to say, I was crazy. And heart broken.
It wasn't her fault at all, but I was mad at this friend. Afterall, I was nuts. And had heart pains.

Anyway, eventually, I got over it and was super happy for her.
And super miserable for my single self.

FFWD to after I met my hubby.

I saw this friend, and we were catching up. My hubby and her hubby began talking, and then were standing in front of us.
I took one look ahead and thought "wow. My husband is so much kinder, smarter, holier, and better looking than that guy is! How could I have ever been so nuts to think that other guy would be my fiance?!"

Yeah. It was a super great moment.

I went through many heartbreaks while dating. In particular, there were four guys who I dated and wanted to marry. All four didn't want me.
Each time, it was tragic. I indulged in many gummy candies and morbid break up songs.

There're times when I ponder about what my life would've been like if I married any of those guys. And then I realize: wow. How good HaShem is! How generous and kind. How he protected me from being in a bad marriage, and how my husband is so much better than all of them combined :)

The song "ki hirbeta tovot elai, tovot elai" pops into my head. (See link below.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lmL6LkjqbI

We often only see HaShem's chessed in hindsight, but boy is it amazing when we see how He watches over us.

So all you singles still in solo land --

BH you'll see one day how every single heartbreak was for the best. Just keep HaShem in the picture, and daven daven daven!

BTW, all 4 of them are still single (at least, the last time I heard of them or saw them.) And Mr. Sir had another broken engagement. What a surprise.

Ok I should stop being mean.
I'm sorry. I hope all four of you bachelors get married. To amazing women. Really.
(so that those women will change you and help you stop being losers.)
Omgosh, stop it Sefardi Gal. That was SO rude.

Shabbat Shalom u'Mevorach to all :)

Wig...off?

Ever since I became religious, I had some kind of deep struggle and interest with the subject of hair covering.

I grew up with three frum families who lived on my block. They were basically the only frum people I've ever seen. When I was around 8 years old, a relative of mine told me those ladies shave the hair on their heads and wear wigs. Needless to say, I was a bit freaked out. I pictured bald women with itchy heads and fake hair and definitely was not attracted to the lifestyle what-so-ever.

When I started displaying more interest in observant Judaism, a friend of mine, who was also growing religiously, told me that it is halacha for a married woman to wear a wig. Defensive and taken aback, I said “what?! No way am I ever shaving my head.” Looking perplexed, my friend said “no…you wouldn’t have to shave. Most women have hair under their wigs. You can ever see the bump from their hair bun under the wig.”

Phew.

I calmed down a bit. And so, I assumed, when I’m ready to date and get married to Mr. Right, I’ll wear a wig. Of course, it’ll be a beautiful, long, fancy, and natural looking wig (with bangs.) Afterall, I was (an am :)) a young lady with beautiful long black hair. No way was I giving that up for a short straw-like wig.

FFWD to a few months later. The same friend told me “you know, I heard there’re issues with Sefardim wearing wigs, and some women don’t wear wigs.” I wasn’t sure what she meant. “Why would there be an issue?”
You see, no one told me that wigs were worn because of modesty. For some reason, it just didn’t cross my mind. I assumed that wigs somewhat served the same purpose of a kippa for a man – a reminder that G-d is above us.
My friend was also not sure why there was an issue, so she decided to ask a lady from our Sefardi-nusach Shul – why some people oppose wigs. It probably wasn’t the best idea, since this lady herself wore a wig and didn’t exactly seem like she was too knowledgeable in halacha. She responded with something along the lines of “there is no problem.”

And so, Sefardi Gal being the curious one that she was (and is), decided to start a research project. And boy, did I research. I read countless books, articles, and teshuvot about the topic. Ad Nauseum.
I went to the mekor M'D'oraita (the source in the written Torah), then the Mishna, the Gemara, the rishonim, and achronim. Ashkenazim, Sefardim, Modern Orthodox liberal, Modern Orthodox machmir, Yeshivish modern, Haredi, Hassidish, American, Israeli...you get the picture.
Even though I so desperately wanted to show hair after being married, I wanted to do the right thing. I questioned myself: do I want to fulfill G-d's will or my own will? Is Judaism a shopping cart where I just pick and choose what's convenient for me and drop what isn't? Do I pick and choose the lenient opinion when I please?

Almost all of the reasons and teshuvot of gedolim seemed to completely dismiss most wigs as proper modest haircoverings.
And once I found out that the main issue with wigs was modesty, I decided that I would never wear a wig. No matter what.

When I started dating, if I ever saw potential with the guy, I asked for his opinion on modesty, in general, as well as wigs. The man’s response often told me a lot about his hashkafah in life. Thankfully enough, I didn’t date many men who wanted to be possessive and make sure their trophy wives look like frum Barbie.
It was also important to me that my husband would support and agree with my decision not to wear wigs because it certainly would be a struggle for me, and I knew that I would need his help. Afterall, it's BECAUSE I'm married to HIM that I need to cover my hair, so he should also take part in the mitzvah.
Will I ever find him? I'd sigh. At times, it was even part of my tefillah - please G-d, help my zivug be someone who doesn't want me to cover my hair with a wig.

My husband actually told me something kind of funny. When dating, he knew he didn't want his wife to wear a wig...to the point that he'd even break off a shidduch if the girl wanted to cover her hair with a wig. When he told one of his relatives (who is not yet observant) that he wants to marry a lady who will only wear scarves, she responded "do you honestly think you'll find such a girl? A young, modern lady who will be willing to cover herself like the grandmothers of the past? Forget about it."
After we were engaged, I met this relative, and she asked me "you're seriously going to cover that beautiful hair of yours? how?!"
For me, the answer was plain and simple: how does any Jew fulfill a mitzvah?
But I wasn't sure she'd understand that answer.

And so…
now that I'm married, I wear scarves every day. I own two subtle hats, but my husband isn’t such a fan of hats, so I mainly stick to scarves. Being that I like fashion and always aim to look good and presentable, I often mix and match different colors, add flowers, lace, headbands, pins, etc. to the scarves. I match my jewlery and make-up with the scarves. Earrings are crucial when wearing scarves! (It happens to be, that I nearly never left the house without earrings even when I was single. Ears look so bare without earrings, and the earrings add such beauty and life to the face. But perhaps that's my own meshugaass. :))
There’s absolutely no reason that scarves need to look shlumpy or raggy. A Jewish woman should ALWAYS look like a queen. Her hair covering is her crown.
I’ve received many compliments, which really helped with my hair covering confidence. (I was VERY attached to my hair when I was single. It was one of my challenges with modesty.)

Sometimes it is difficult – like at weddings or job interviews. But often times, the right thing to do in life isn’t easy. I think of the pasuk from Shlomo Hamelech’s “Eshet Chayil” --“oz v’hadar levusha.” Loosely translated, that means “strength and splendour are her clothing.” I once heard a beautiful and powerful short dvar Torah about that pasuk. Why does it say “OZ” – strength – to describe the way a Jewish woman is dressed? Because it takes a lot of strength to dress modestly. It’s not easy. Sometimes it’s even like war. But once a woman can pass that nisayon – then her clothing is described as “hadar” – splendorous, magnificent, brilliant, and majesty-like.

I might or might not post more about specifically WHY I chose to never wear wigs. (And, of course, which sources. Everything needs a source in Judaism.) I have many stories involving Hashgacha Pratit that helped me decide…as my decision was not easy, nor was it convenient.

Hair-covering (and tzniut, in general) is definitely a sensitive subject that many women seem to take to heart, but at the same time, it’s also an extremely important matter with very little written about the subject in English.
So we’ll see :)

Chag Pesach kasher v’sameach to all!

Life After Marriage

I'm not going to lie.
Engagement time wasn't fun. I couldn't wait for my engagement to be over, and I recently half jokingly told my husband "I never want to be engaged to you again."
Married life, however, is way better than engagement life. Baruch HaShem Yitbarach Shemo L'ad!!!

While nearly every chatan and kallah want a nice wedding, they must keep in mind that it's not the ikkar. The wedding is just one (extremely important) day; marriage, however, is what needs the real planning, work, effort, time, and investment.

What can I say about marriage?
Hmmm...
well there's still a lot to learn, but so far, my favorite dvar Torah about marriage is as follows:

In Masechet Kiddushin, Chazal teach us about the kinyan of the isha. A man can "buy her" (buy - read: acquire) through three ways. From where do we learn this concept of kinyan?
From Avraham and Efron. Avraham purchased maharat hamachpelah from Efron, in order to bury Sara, his beloved wife, in Hevron.

Wait...WHAT?
How does that make sense?
We learn MARRIAGE from Avraham buying a GRAVE?
(that is already begging for a marriage joke!)

So, what's going on here?
The answer is very beautiful and applicable. Avraham and Efron were both happy and satisfied with the deal they made. Avraham was happy because he purchased a valuable plot in Eretz Yisrael where his dear wife, himself, and future relatives would be buried. Efron was happy because he got his money.
So too...
A HUSBAND AND WIFE - BOTH - need to feel like they got the best deal ever. They always need to be happy and satisfied. The husband should think "wow, my wife is the best. She's so beautiful, holy, smart, understanding, etc." and the wife should think that her husband is such a wonderful tzadik.
At first, some might think this seems unrealistic -- afterall, doesn't everyone have flaws?
Yes, everyone has flaws, but common advice that was given before: "while dating, keep both eyes open. While married, keep one eye closed." Just because a spouse has flaws doesn't mean that you should focus on the flaws. The key is focus on the positive attributes. The key is to remember why you married that person in the first place. The key is to feel happy and know that HaShem sent you the best zivug ever.
There is nobody like your zivug in the world, and there never was and never will be.
So too with every Jew. YOU are unique. There was NEVER anyone exactly like you before, and there NEVER will be anyone like you. You're the only one who can carry out your life's mission, and you are the only one who can be yourself.

Pretty neat, eh? :)

Sooo, there's a lot to say about life. A lot to say about marriage. A lot to say about Israeli politics. And fruit in sushi. Perhaps we'll add that to the "To be continued..." list.

Shavua tov to all :)

Dating Advice

I wrote this post a while ago. These concepts are from a wonderful shiur by Rabbi Eliyahu Kin. I found it very helpful, and I hope y'all will as well.

Before a person dates, (s)he needs to be ready. There're three prerequisites a person should fulfill in order to be ready:
1. Not be picky (being particular about a certain look, financial income, etc.)
2. Not purposely delay marriage. (For example: I'm not dating now -- I'm too busy with my masters. When I finish my masters, I'll date.)
3. One must examine his deeds and make sure he's done his best to keep the Torah and mitzvot.

Why?

Because there're many individuals whom you can be compatible with, but there's only ONE who is best for you.
People are only shaliachs. HaShem is the One Who makes the shidduchim. Only He knows which 2 individuals match well together.
If a person isn't acting on their "best" behavior and working towards growth, then that person will not receive the best possible zivug. You're matched based on your current deeds. HaShem sends you the best possible match at a given time.

Now, let's say all 3 conditions are met. What do we do now??

1. PRAY!
Chazal quote a pasuk that says one should always turn to HaShem. One should pray because prayer can change any degree, regardless of what a person's mazal is.

One should pray that HaShem should please send him the best possible match; the right person who will also be a good person.

During Shemah Kolenu and the "yehi ratzon" at the end of the amida, a person should have zivug in mind, but he doesn't have to word it out.

Simple concepts a a man should have in mind:
-I want a wooman who will be an eshet chayil, who will be a good mother to my kids, and someone with whom I can build a bayit ne'eman b'yisrael.

Sefer Hassidim teaches to pray for your children to have good zivugim.

2. HISHTADLUT

Hishtadlut shows HaShem that we are serious about finding our spouses.

The Chazon Ish taught that tefillah is more important than hishtadlut.

3. TZDAKA

Men should give tzdaka at Shul when they go for minyan. Women should give tzdaka before lighting candles for Shabbat.
Charity can hasten the results; it makes a person's tefillah be heard all the more so.

4. CRY

The gates of tears are never locked.
Tears are an expression of the emotions of the heart.


And most importantly, NEVER give up. Ye'ush (despair) is one of the most crushing emotions an individual can experience.
Daven. If the situation gets more difficult, daven harder. If it's nearly unbearable, daven x100000000!

It was a beautiful sunny afternoon. I watched couples walking down the street, some holding hands, others holding ice cream, or better yet – a baby, and many just blissfully walking a few inches apart, looking oh so comfy-happy in couple land.
After my date from the night before that wasn’t disastrous but was clearly not turning into a second date, I wondered – is that ever going to be me and my husband?
That week, another guy was suggested to me. He sounded fine, so I said yes. Again, a date that wasn’t bad, but clearly not shayach. The only thing I wanted to do was have a very long conversation with HaShem.
“HaShem, I can’t do this anymore. If I’m not ready to get married, then I don’t want to date anymore. I can’t handle it emotionally. I just can’t. Please help me.”
I felt so broken. So lonely. So fed up. So hurt.
Is this ever going to end?

Yet another guy was suggested to me. He called to set up plans for a date, except guess what? Surprise surprise he was out of the country for another 3 weeks.
After our conversation, he asked “can I call you next week?”
“how about you just call me when you land back here?” I said, while thinking – "yeah. RIGHT. Like he’s actually going to call when he gets here."
Well, he called.
And now, baruch HaShem, we’re married.


My advice to all of my dear readers who are still single – never give up. If it can happen to me, it can definitely happen to you. Keep davening. HaShem hears every single tefillah, and there IS a reason that you didn’t meet your zivug yet. You’ll see why only AFTER you meet him or her, and the reason is that either one or both of you was not ready even a day beforehand.
There’s not an ounce of cruelty within HaShem. Everything that happens in life – it’s ALL out of chessed.

Is it instantaneous that you’ll know (s)he’s the right one? Most likely not. Save that for the movies and few select couples.

I want to thank everyone so much for giving me chizzuk. B”H may all of the singles find their zivugim asap – as soon as the right time is possible, and may all of the married couples have shalom bayit!

As far as blogging goes...
I'm not sure if I'll continue posting or not.
As I mentioned in my first post, way back when, this blog is a journey. :)

Plea to G-D

Dear HaShem,
I know that because of Your ultimate rachamim, You keep me alive.
I know that You love me.
I know that You care about me.
I know that You want a relationship with me.
I know that You’re my Father in Heaven, and I’m Your daughter.
I am the daughter of the King of the universe.
Doesn’t every Father want to see His daughter married?
Doesn’t every King want to see the princess taken care of by a prince?
I want to worship You. So much.
But this single thing is really in my way.
It limits me.
I can worship you so much better if I was married to my true zivug.
Our marriage would bring out my potential
And his.
We would worship you together.
I’d wear my beautiful, modest mitpachot.
I’d light my nerot Shabbat with olive oil.
My Shabbat table will be full with guests, food, and inspiring Divrei Torah.
With Your help, I’d give birth and raise holy, special, beautiful, healthy children
And teach them Your righteous ways.
Your holy Torah and mitzvot.
I know that marriage is work.
And I will work on it to make sure that
My relationship with my husband is full of true love. True giving based on Torah.
So that the Shechina will dwell in our home and marriage.
Right now…
I don’t have my own holy and kosher home.
It plagues my thoughts.
That I’m alone.
That I’m half a soul.
That I’m not complete.
That I’m not giving to my soul-mate.
Oh, how limited I am.
How I long for him.
How my curiosity replays over and over again in my head.
Oh G-d…
It is so difficult and painful. It is almost too much to bare.
I know that You don’t give anybody tests that they can’t pass.
So, I know I can pass this one.
I’m asking You to help me pass.
Please help me not obsess.
Please help me deal with this situation correctly.
Help me not be in so much anguish.
Please grant me the clarity, strength, and faith to always be happy and
Not worry. Not cry. Not have doubt.
Not to have inner-turmoil.
Please send my special zivug to me soon.
Or send me to him.
May my zivug please be the person whom I need.
The best possible zivug for me.
Please help me not pass up on him.
And help him not pass up on me.
Please help me not be an older single.
Please, please, please.
You are The only One I turn to.
You are The One Who is mezaveg zivugim.
Nobody else.
I am 100% fully dependent on You.
You are Plan A. there is no plan B or C.
You’re the Source for it all.
Please, please, please.
Shma Tefillati and please answer me l’tova.

Hands...Off?

One of the (countless) concepts I love about Judaism is the Torah's approach towards relationships. I think that if BOTH spouses 100% fully follow the Torah's advice (obviously, that includes Torah Sheh B'al Peh and Chazal's adivce) towards relationships & marriage, then they're bound to have a happy marriage.

I remember when I was first doing teshuva and learning about shomer negia, abstinence before marriage, hilchot nidda, the chuppah, and the obligations of a husband and wife, I was shocked. I was at awe at how beautiful and true everything really is. How much logical and emotional sense it all made.

Some time shortly before seminary, I remember learning about the concept of tzniut between a husband and wife. I didn't understand why they can't touch in public. C'mon, they were shomer negia for so long, and now they're MARRIED! Give them a break.
I didn't understand. I didn't want to listen.
Same thing happened at seminary. I saw how physically distant the religious married couples were, and I just couldn't sympathize. I always pictured a husband and wife to be showingly affectionate; not through major PDA form, but you know...like holding hands or stuff like that.

Not too long ago, I was discussing with a friend how certain hashkafic concepts that I "rejected" during seminary, I now totally agree with. Why? Because I've experienced situations that led me to realize how truth about what my teachers and Rabbanim were preaching.

I finally noticed the emet and importance of tzniut and lack of public physical contact between a husband and wife.

I saw somebody I know who recently got married. She was always a very quiet, sweet girl. Very modest with her actions and mannerisms. She was with her husband, and they kept touching. Holding hands, hugging, etc.
I felt myself cringe. Not out of disgust or jealously. Rather, this cringe was out of discomfort. It was at that moment that I realized how important it is to conceal physical touch in public places.
1) Touch is special. It's intimate. It's reserved for the husband and wife. Alone. When one has something precious, (s)he doesn't show it off to the whole world. Rather, (s)he keeps it in a safe or private, unknown area.
2) It can easily make other people feel uncomfortable. Nobody, especially shomer-negia singles, want to see that. The only people who might appreciate the couple's lovie dovie antics are their parents and old people.
3) Sometimes it seems as if the couple is insecure in their own relationship, and therefore, feels the "need" to prove their affections to themselves by flaunting to everyone around them. I have a friend who recently got divorced. A lot of our friends were shocked because, apparently, she and her husband always posted pictures of themselves - touching, looking happy, smiling, going ice-skating, etc.
Their facebook statuses were often "I love my wife!" or "thank you so much to the best husband in the world for driving me to work today!"
6 months later...divorced.
Initially, I was also surprised and of course, upset, about the news. However, after one intently focuses on the details, it isn't so surprising that such a public relationship failed.

Just to clarify: I don't think that means couples should be cold or robotic. I just think the public affection should be kept to a minimum.

Just some food for thought.

The Right Choice

I'm a big fan of games. Board games, video games, computer games, and...
mind games.
Even more so, I'm a fan of "if you HAD to choose..."
Some of my friends and I joke around -- like "if you had to choose between having 2 noses or 4 ears, which would you choose?"

Sometimes, a serious one pops up. I remember my best friend and I having that discussion many moons ago. It was an externally quiet night, but if my inner-turmoil could be heard, the noise would be pretty deafening.

We were taking a walk and decided to sit down on a nearby bench and spill our hearts out to each other. We were both overcoming messy break-ups/relationships and were just...
*sigh*
miserable. Heartbroken. Forlorn.
She was thinking of her mister, and I was thinking of Mr. Sir (if any of my long-time readers remember him from previously deleted posts...yep, it's the same Mr. Sir.)
My best friend and I looked into each other's eyes. Our heads slightly bent to the side. One of us popped the question: "if you had to get married & spend your life with one guy that you know...any guy that you know - who would you choose?"
Ironically enough, she chose her mister, and I chose Mr. Sir. A decision made despite both of them doing the salsa, cha-cha, and macarena dance all over our hearts and leaving us to suffer.
"Why would you choose him?" She asked.
"Well, I suppose out of everyone I've dated, he's the one I've felt most secure and comfortable with, and I was & still am very emotionally connected to him."
She nodded in agreement. And we sat in silence for a while.
I've had happier evenings.

Yep. It was gloomy. I remember the feeling so vividly...the feeling strikes me inside, somewhere...maybe my neshama. It's like this stinging feeling combined with cringing and butterflies.
If that makes sense.

FFWD to many moons later...AKA now/not too long ago.
The same question came up in my mind. Except, my outlook is different, and therefore, my answer has changed.
Mr. Sir is gone. Thankfully, he's not a motivating factor for much in my life anymore. I've come to realize that my reasons for choosing him were entirely self-centered. I felt secure. I felt emotionally connected. I felt comfortable. But what about him? A relationship can't be based on one person. It takes two. As cheesy and cliche as it may sound, nevertheless, it takes two to become one.
And so, I started thinking about the list: out of all the guys I know and dated, who would I choose?
And so I thought...
and thought...
and reminisced...
about:
-the rich ones
-the physically attractive ones
-the very frum ones
-the intelligent ones
-the rebellious ones/bad-boy-types

and I realized...NO. I wouldn't choose any of them.
The one I'd choose is the one who had amazing middot. Who was kind, understanding, giving, caring, sensitive, warm, and friendly. The one who treated me like a person and respected me, and as a result, made me feel comfortable. He was interested in me...for me. He genuinely appreciated me. Not for artificial reasons.
The one I'd choose would be that one. The one who every time he sees me, he stops to say hello and wishes me well. The one who I'm 100% sure prayed for me, regardless of the fact that I was the heartbreaker who (perhaps, prematurely) ended the relationship.

For all the singles out there, I think it's beneficial to ponder: who would you choose? And why?
Your reasoning is very important because it'll help direct you with prioritizing your "list". It'll make you realize what really counts in a spouse, and what you should really be focusing on when you're dating.

Lemonade

I was doing some self-reflection lately (as usual -- sometimes I wish I could just press the OFF button for a few minutes), and I realized that my outlook towards dating has changed a lot throughout the past year or so.

So what's the result of this metamorphosis?

Well, overall, I'm a much happier, less depressed dater. Here's why:

1) Emunah in HaKadosh Baruch Hu
I realized that when I just commenced on my dating journey, I thought I had emunah in HaShem, but I really didn't. Sure, I was davening, but I felt a certain amount of disdain and discomfort before and after a date. I had feelings of skeptism and bitterness.

I read an incredible book called Growth Through Tehillim by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin. It shaped my perspective towards emunah, and therefore, having emunah throughout the dating process.

Even though I'm still on the journey, and I'm not sure when I'll meet my zivug, I feel a lot more confident that HaShem is with me. I'm not worried anymore. I know that everyone and everything has a "sha'ah tova" (right timing).

2) Learning Opportunities
I view each date as an opportunity to get to know another fellow Jew and learn something from him. I remember writing about that in the early days of my blog (over a year ago), but I don't think I really internalized that concept.
I now have a mental list of at least one new thought/fact/inspiration/halacha that each person I've dated has taught me.
For example, one guy told me that it's halacha to wash your hands before davening. I kinda knew that before, but I barely followed it. But after he mentioned it, I decided to take it upon myself. (Okay, I admit that I didn't do much research after he told me that -- but either way, he taught me something & had a positive influence on me.)

3) No More Settling
I often felt like I was settling (on hashkafah, religious level, physical appearance, age, etc.) and I realized that settling isn't exactly helping anyone. It was hurting both my dates and myself.
So why was I settling??
Because I allowed shadchanim to push me. I had a problem with saying "no", which led me to 1st and 2nd dates that I was dreading, and negative feelings towards both shadchanim and dating, in general.
I'm still working on it, but I've learned to say NO to shadchanim...no matter how much they push. Regardless if they're rude or tell me I'm being too picky. I've learned to stop giving pity 1st, 2nd, or 3rd dates. I've learned not to give pity dates solely because I feel guilty rejecting the person and think that mayyyybe there's a 1% chance that it will work out between us.

I now have my set list of what I'm looking for. The list doesn't consists of dealbreakers; the list consists of what I AM looking for. Positive connotation.
There are qualities I will absolutely not settle for. Shadchanim have gotten upset, and so have the guys. And I'm sorry. Be'emet. I don't want to hurt or frustrate anybody.
But honestly, this is MY life. At the end of the day, I'm the one who will have to deal with the person; it's going to be my marriage -- not the shadchan's. Nobody has the right to tell me what to do (except HaShem, and in certain cases - my Rabbi and Parents.)

I realize that might sound somewhat arrogant, but I'm a stubborn (read: determined :D) person, and I don't appreciate other people running my life.

4) Refer To A Friend
Whenever a match is suggested to me, or after a date that I clearly know is not for me, or after I hear of/meet a new shadchan, I carefully try to think if any of my single friends would be interested. If so, I refer them to the Shadchan/the guy. B"H I have set up quite a few friends, and one of them recently got engaged. :)

B"H being a happier dater has definitely contributed to me being a much happier person.

May we all have the clarity to make the right decisions regarding dating and marriage!

HaShem runs the world

A friend of mine shared a beautiful insight with me:
there's no such thing as a possibility of 50%. There're only two percentages that exist. Everything in life is either 0% or 100%. Either HaShem wants it for you - or He doesn't! Something can scale at 0% today but be 100% tomorrow. And vice versa. That is to show us that we're fully dependent on HaShem, and He controls the world.

This Shabbat is b"H "Shabbat Shira" -- the "shira" reference is from this week's Parsha; in Parshat Beshalach, Bnei Yisrael sang "Az Yashir" to thank G-d for the miracle of kriyat yam suf (splitting of the reed sea). Chazal teach us that making matches/dating/finding your spouse is likened to kriyat yam suf. It's just as arduous to find that right guy (or gal) --as it is to split the sea.
But wait!
How on earth is that possible? Afterall, NOTHING is difficult for HaShem. He doesn't "sweat"! He's All Mighty. He's all powerful. He's the Master-Of-The-Universe. The splitting of the sea isn't any more difficult for HaShem than creating a wind breeze for a second.
So how can shidduchim be difficult for Him???
The answer is that shidduchim ARE easy for HaShem to make; Chazal are not referring to HaShem's actual matching and formation of shidduchim. Rather, they're referring to emunah! Just like it was difficult for Bnei Yisrael to keep up their emunah in HaShem when they were faced with tons of Egyptian soldiers and had nowhere to run, so too it is difficult to have emunah in HaShem when one is looking for his or her spouse.
When faced with adversity, people can begin to have misconceptions about the solution. For example: I'll only find my zivug when I meet this well-known-shadchan-who-made-100-matches, when I lose x amount of weight, when I have a higher paying job, etc. That mentality is flawed. That person is placing his emunah in the shadchan and his own power...not HaShem's power! We need to know that although we must do our hishtadlut, ultimately, it is HaShem who sends us our zivugim! It's either 100% or 0%; either He thinks it's the right time for us, or He doesn't.

Around a year ago, I attended a wonderful shiur about this parasha that really made a difference in my life. The Rabbi explained that hope is the essence of a successful person. Before the splitting of the sea, many members of Bnei Yisrael panicked -- "what will happen to us??! Will the Egyptians all murder us now?!"
But Nachson ben Aminadav didn't panic; he jumped into the (unsplit) ocean. After he jumped in, the sea split!
His action prompted the miracle because he trusted in HaShem; he KNEW HaShem is helping and will help them. The truly successful individual is the one who knows where his success comes from. If you have hope and emunah in HaShem, you're set. You will do well in school. You will get married. You will have children. You will have a parnassah. Just (as the Journey song preaches) -- "don't stop believing!"

HaShem loves us and is taking care of us, so don't give up! Keep trying with your full 100%.

It's a segulah (especially for finding your zivug) to recite "Az Yashir" in Shul this Shabbat -- Shabbat Shira -- with extra kavana! B"H all of our tefillot should be answered l'tova.

Shabbat shalom :)