I recently listened to a wonderful shiur by Rabbi Paysach Krohn called "Teshuva, Tefillah, Tzedakah."
Chazal teach us that "teshuva, tefillah, and tzedaka" will save a person on Yom Hadin.
I always viewed the "tzedaka" part of it as giving charity (read: money). Rabbi Krohn emphasized the importance of doing chessed, not just giving money. Tzedaka is also giving & doing chessed. I really never thought of it that way, so it was a big chiddush for me.
Some great points from the powerful shiur:
-Tzedaka is all about stopping to think about yourself. There's nothing wrong about thinking about yourself, but we have to think about others.
-A chilling story about tremendous chessed out of love:
Rav Simcha Wasserman, the son of the big tzaddik Rav Elchanan Wasserman, was a big talmid chacham who never had children. He loved his wife dearly, and she loved him dearly. Rebbetzin Feigel Wasserman, his wife, said "I hope we both live forever, but if not, then I want to die first because I can't live one day without my Rav Simcha." Then, as she got older, she changed her mind & said "I hope that we live together forever until after Mashiach comes, but in case we don't, then I don't want to die first. Because who would sit shiva for Rav Simcha? We don't have any children. I want to be the one to sit shiva for him with proper kavod."
The amazing thing is that Rav Simcha was niftar on bet Cheshevan. She sat shiva for 7 days, and then 3 days later she passed away. She passed away exactly 10 days after her husband. HaShem allotted her that time so that she can properly give kavod to her husband, as she so much wanted to.
-Rav Shlomo Lawrence, who already had a burial plot bought in har hazeitim said that he wanted a burial plot bought near Rav Wasserman. He said "who usually comes to visit as person's kever? A person's children and descendants. Rav Simcha didn't have any children, and I do have children, so I want it to be that my children will come visit my kever and then also visit Rav Simcha, since we will be buried right next to each other." And 17 years later, after Rav Lawrence's passing, that's exactly what happened.
Rebbetzin Wasserman thought only of her husband. That is a row in the graveyard that shows us true chessed and thinking of others, even when you won't get anything "back" in this world by doing that chessed!
-A woman went to pay a shiva call to a woman she never met. Before leaving, she said "tell me something about your husband." His wife said "my husband never delayed a chessed. Any time someone asked him for a favor or if he would help someone, he would always do it right away. He wouldn't delay the chessed."
This lady left, and as she was driving, she saw a woman sleeping in her car. She figured "oh, she's probably just tired while waiting to pick up one of her children from the bus top."
She wanted to continue driving, saying it's none of her business.
But no. Her conscience told her that something didn't look right about this sleeping woman...the way her face looked... the way he head was tilted. She remembered what the lady sitting shiva told her: "my husband never delayed a chessed."
So, she called hatzalah and said "there's a lady here, and I'm just not sure if she's sleeping or if something is wrong. Can you please come and check if she's all right?"
Hatzalah came and told her "you saved this woman's life. She was in diabetic shock. If she would've remained in the car for another 20 minutes, she would've died."
The woman was stunned. She saved this woman's life.
A few months later, she received another call. The diabetic woman was pregnant. So she really saved two lives. How? All by just opening her eyes and noticing a stranger and caring enough to make a phone call for a MAYBE dangerous situation.
All of that because she didn't push off a chessed.
Similar to my other post, this teaches us not to push off any opportunities of closeness to HaShem.
It reminds me of a story. I once asked my Rav if I have to give to every person who asks for tzdaka. This would come up often at a certain place that I would go to, where there would be around 10 people who would ask for tzdaka. So I asked if I should give some of those people, all of those people, or none of those people every time that I go? I said, on one hand, I feel terrible refusing someone who is needy, but on the other hand, is there a "limit"?
My Rav said there is no chiyuv to give them, since it is uncertain what those people use the money for, and if they are actually needy, but it is nice to give to one or two occasionally.
Ok.
FFWD to when I met my (now) husband. We were dating and still getting to know each other, and we would go to this place often.
I noticed that he would give tzdaka to every single person who asks.
Now, my husband was a yeshiva bachur at the time and didn't exactly have a lot of money. I was stunned how, at this place, he gave tzdaka every single time anyone asked him (this happened over 30 times until I brought it up in conversation).
So I told him what my Rav said, and he said "I know there's no chiyuv, but every day, I pray to HaShem for opportunities to be close to him. Giving to a person, even if he's not needy, is an opportunity to get closer to HaShem."
I was blown away by his answer. I took my Rav's psak so literal. I didn't even bother to think into the benefit of doing something that isn't a chiyuv. How it would improve ME. How it would make ME more sensitive. How it would make ME a better Jew to give to a person who asks.
Chessed is not thinking just about ME. But through not thinking about myself, I'm actually helping myself! It's about opening my eyes to others. Feeling the pain of others. Worrying about others. Even if it's only a potential risk - like the lady "sleeping" in her car. Maybe she is just sleeping! But maybe she's not? And that's a big maybe. A scary maybe.
Showing posts with label chessed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label chessed. Show all posts
Monday, September 9, 2013
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Ahavat Chinam - yay yay yay!
Well, now that we know that a lack of hakarat hatov/gratitute leads to jealousy, which leads to hate, we know the basis of sinat chinam.
Many people probably heard of Ahavat Chinam already, but how many of us actually know what this means?
We are taught that one way to help rebuild the Beit Hamikdash is Ahavat Chinam, which is baseless love. But what does baseless love mean? How can we practice it on the daily basis? Afterall, it's not every day that we see an old lady with groceries who needs help crossing the road. It's not every day that we help a kid who is lost at the mall. It's not every day that we need to rescue a drowning victim.
The beatles and hippies in the 1960s also thought they have baseless love. Loving everyone regardless of actions, beliefs, etc.
But they didn't bring Mashiach. In fact, they brought a lot of evil into the world with so much liberalism and "freedom", but that is a different discussion.
So what is Ahavat Chinam and how can we fufill that mitzvah on a daily basis?
Here're two VERY practical daily implications to increase ahavat chinam in Am Yisrael:
1. Increase Your Hakarat Hatov:
we say "modeh ani" to G-d every single morning that we wake up and have a new opportunity to experience life and fulfill our potential.
But G-d is not the only One that we need to give hakarat hatov to.
Every single person, regardless of his or her upbringing and situation, owes hakarat hatov to their Parents. Many people mistakenly assume that they don't owe their parents any respect if their parents haven't brought them up correctly. But to think like that is completely anti-ethical to what the Torah teaches us.
The Shulchan Aruch codifies it as halacha that every individual must respect his or her parents. The Shulchan Aruch gives an example of a parent who hits his child, yells at his child, and embarrasses his child (note: child doesn't mean a minor. A person is his parent's child even if he is 50 years old!)
What a terrible thing, lo aleinu. And yet, as terrible as that situation is, the Shulchan Aruch tells us it is ASSUR for that child to talk back, hit back, or insult his parents. (But that child SHOULD get away from such a parent. That isn't disrespectful; that's saving the child's life.)
Rabbi Wallerstein emphasizes the halacha that even if a parent is a rasha, a completely evil person, his child still has an obligation to respect him!
Even a mamzer, who is excommunicated in many ways in the community and can't marry a regular Jew, must respect his mother - even though his mother is the one who caused him to have the status of a mamzer!
Amazing. Really. If it wasn't clear halacha, it would be hard to believe.
But the reason for all this emphasis on kibud av v'em is that even in the most difficult situations, a person MUST have gratitude to his parents for the sole reasons that they are the ones who are responsible for giving him life and bringing him into this world.
The start to appreciating life is to appreciate the people who brought you into this world.
A person who has appreciation will appreciate what G-d does for him. If a person appreciates what G-d does for him, then he will be happy with life and not be jealous of others (see my last post on the blog).
How many people wait until a person has died to say "I wish i would've appreciated him/her more" or "I loved her so much...how i wish I would've told her."
The shiva, r"l, is too late. Express your feelings, love, and gratitude now before it's too late.
If we appreciate what we have, we'll give to others more easily because we'll realize how good we have it and how we should share our goodness with others.
2. Do Chessed Without Calculations!
Many people have an assumption that you only do chessed and things for others because they did something for you or because you have a particular reason. For example, helping someone who is ill because you also had that illness once. Or helping someone who's from an abused home because you also came from an abused home.
Or helping someone because they have no else one.
Now of course that is a HUGE mitzvah and something priceless and commendable.
But a person doesn't NEED to have a reason to do chessed! How about helping someone just because they're going through pain? Just because they need a friend? Just because they need a good influence in their life? Just because they need help?
We learn this from Avraham Avinu, the epitome of true chessed. What did the malachim, whom he thought were arabs, ever do for him? When he invites them offer, he says (loosely translated) "if I've found favor in your eyes...please come to my home" - he asks them do ME the favor.
That's how we should view helping our fellow Jew. They're doing ME the favor by needing help.
Rabbi Wallerstein gave two examples in one of his shiurim. Many times (particularly in Jewish communities in Eretz Yisrael and NY), such as after shacharit or a shiur in shul, people who need a ride but don't have a car will ask around (somewhat shyly) - "is anyone driving to ________?"
So instead of waiting for someone to ask you, you can get up and say "I'm driving to Brooklyn. Does anyone need a ride?"
Or as is common at weddings, many single girls don't have a ride to the wedding and need to car pool. You can ask the kallah before the wedding "does anyone from _______ (your city) need a ride to your wedding?" or during the wedding, you can spread the word that you're driving to ________, and you're happy to give a ride if anyone needs one.
The second example Rabbi Wallerstein gives is that often times, beggars (both Jewish and nonJewish) are sitting outside in the sweltering heat of the summer or freezing cold winter, asking for money. People give them money, but few people offer to get them a cold drink or hot drink. The beggars are often hesistant to take a 10 minute "break" from begging to go get themselves a drink because they'll lose money gaining opportunities during that time that they're not asking for money.
Regardless of whether or not the beggar is a nice person, (s)he is still a human being, and no human enjoys being overly hot and sweaty or freezing!
A nice thing to do is to say "can I please get you a drink?"
3. Daven For People - While On the Street!
I heard this idea from Rebbetzin kaganoff a few years ago at a summer learning session that I attended. This beautiful idea really made a strong impression on me & completely enhanced my life and ahavat yisrael. If you apply this to your life, I have no doubt that your ahavat chinam will enhance tremendously.
Always daven for people - not just during shmonah esreh!
Yes, shmona esreh is an amazing and important tefilla, but seek other opportunities to daven as well.
If you receive an e-mail or text or read a blog post/news article that someone is sick, say at least 1 perek of Tehillim. If you dont have time to say some Tehillim, you can simply say "HaShem please send this person a refua shlemah"
If you see a pregnant woman on the street, you can daven/whisper quietly while walking and say "HaShem please help her have an easy birth and healthy baby."
If you see a single, daven "G-d please send this person a good zivug."
If you see a Jew who is off the derech or not yet religious say "HaShem please help this person have opportunities to do teshuva and be close to You."
If you see a couple who are experiencing difficulty with conceiving children, you can pray "HaShem please help this couple have healthy and holy Jewish children."
Davening for strangers takes merely seconds and is just so beautiful. You establish a completely different connection and outlook towards members whom you don't know (and even ones who you do know) in am yisrael.
4. Resolve Your Issues with People But Also Stay Away!
If you have an issue/conflict with a friend or family member that can be sorted out through communication, a helpful mediator (such as a Rav or therapist), then go for it! There is a commandment that we are not allowed to hate a fellow Jew in our heart. Why does the pasuk say in "your heart"? Because you can't keep it IN. First, ideally, you should try to resolve to conflict within yourself. But if that's not doable, then calmly and rationally express your feelings to the person.
However, if for whatever reason, this is not possible or feasible, or you already tried doing so and that solution failed, then simply stay away from the people who annoy you, upset you, bring you down, etc. Once you have a distance from them, FORGIVE them & move on with your life.
There's no sin in staying away from a person who harms you, be it spiritually/religiously, emotionally, financially, physically. In fact, in most cases, it is probably a mitzvah to stay away from such an influence.
5. Give Tzdaka
Rambam teaches us that giving a little bit of tzdaka often is better than seldom giving a lot at the once. Why? Because giving tzdaka often conditions us to be giving. Humans are often habitual creations. By giving oa little bit daily or often, we get into the habit of being giving people. Giving a lot once in a while is certainly praiseworthy, but it doesn't bring out the midda of chessed and giving.
Aim to give tzdaka with kavana and a smile on your face. Even if it's "just" a penny or nickel a day in your tzdaka box at home, the very act of giving is praiseworthy! If a little bit once a day is no doable, then aim for once a week - like on Erev Shabbat. If that's not doable, aim for once a month.
Again, no amount is too little, and it's incredible how quickly and efficiently a little bit a day or once a week adds up to in a year.
Once a year, or whenever reached a certain amount, donate the money to the charity organization/cause of your choice.
Again, many of the ideas posted here is credited to Rabbi Wallerstein. Shiur is linked in my last blog post :)
May HaShem help us all work on ourselves and to have true Ahavat Chinam!
May everyone have a Shabbat Shalom u'Mevorach!
Many people probably heard of Ahavat Chinam already, but how many of us actually know what this means?
We are taught that one way to help rebuild the Beit Hamikdash is Ahavat Chinam, which is baseless love. But what does baseless love mean? How can we practice it on the daily basis? Afterall, it's not every day that we see an old lady with groceries who needs help crossing the road. It's not every day that we help a kid who is lost at the mall. It's not every day that we need to rescue a drowning victim.
The beatles and hippies in the 1960s also thought they have baseless love. Loving everyone regardless of actions, beliefs, etc.
But they didn't bring Mashiach. In fact, they brought a lot of evil into the world with so much liberalism and "freedom", but that is a different discussion.
So what is Ahavat Chinam and how can we fufill that mitzvah on a daily basis?
Here're two VERY practical daily implications to increase ahavat chinam in Am Yisrael:
1. Increase Your Hakarat Hatov:
we say "modeh ani" to G-d every single morning that we wake up and have a new opportunity to experience life and fulfill our potential.
But G-d is not the only One that we need to give hakarat hatov to.
Every single person, regardless of his or her upbringing and situation, owes hakarat hatov to their Parents. Many people mistakenly assume that they don't owe their parents any respect if their parents haven't brought them up correctly. But to think like that is completely anti-ethical to what the Torah teaches us.
The Shulchan Aruch codifies it as halacha that every individual must respect his or her parents. The Shulchan Aruch gives an example of a parent who hits his child, yells at his child, and embarrasses his child (note: child doesn't mean a minor. A person is his parent's child even if he is 50 years old!)
What a terrible thing, lo aleinu. And yet, as terrible as that situation is, the Shulchan Aruch tells us it is ASSUR for that child to talk back, hit back, or insult his parents. (But that child SHOULD get away from such a parent. That isn't disrespectful; that's saving the child's life.)
Rabbi Wallerstein emphasizes the halacha that even if a parent is a rasha, a completely evil person, his child still has an obligation to respect him!
Even a mamzer, who is excommunicated in many ways in the community and can't marry a regular Jew, must respect his mother - even though his mother is the one who caused him to have the status of a mamzer!
Amazing. Really. If it wasn't clear halacha, it would be hard to believe.
But the reason for all this emphasis on kibud av v'em is that even in the most difficult situations, a person MUST have gratitude to his parents for the sole reasons that they are the ones who are responsible for giving him life and bringing him into this world.
The start to appreciating life is to appreciate the people who brought you into this world.
A person who has appreciation will appreciate what G-d does for him. If a person appreciates what G-d does for him, then he will be happy with life and not be jealous of others (see my last post on the blog).
How many people wait until a person has died to say "I wish i would've appreciated him/her more" or "I loved her so much...how i wish I would've told her."
The shiva, r"l, is too late. Express your feelings, love, and gratitude now before it's too late.
If we appreciate what we have, we'll give to others more easily because we'll realize how good we have it and how we should share our goodness with others.
2. Do Chessed Without Calculations!
Many people have an assumption that you only do chessed and things for others because they did something for you or because you have a particular reason. For example, helping someone who is ill because you also had that illness once. Or helping someone who's from an abused home because you also came from an abused home.
Or helping someone because they have no else one.
Now of course that is a HUGE mitzvah and something priceless and commendable.
But a person doesn't NEED to have a reason to do chessed! How about helping someone just because they're going through pain? Just because they need a friend? Just because they need a good influence in their life? Just because they need help?
We learn this from Avraham Avinu, the epitome of true chessed. What did the malachim, whom he thought were arabs, ever do for him? When he invites them offer, he says (loosely translated) "if I've found favor in your eyes...please come to my home" - he asks them do ME the favor.
That's how we should view helping our fellow Jew. They're doing ME the favor by needing help.
Rabbi Wallerstein gave two examples in one of his shiurim. Many times (particularly in Jewish communities in Eretz Yisrael and NY), such as after shacharit or a shiur in shul, people who need a ride but don't have a car will ask around (somewhat shyly) - "is anyone driving to ________?"
So instead of waiting for someone to ask you, you can get up and say "I'm driving to Brooklyn. Does anyone need a ride?"
Or as is common at weddings, many single girls don't have a ride to the wedding and need to car pool. You can ask the kallah before the wedding "does anyone from _______ (your city) need a ride to your wedding?" or during the wedding, you can spread the word that you're driving to ________, and you're happy to give a ride if anyone needs one.
The second example Rabbi Wallerstein gives is that often times, beggars (both Jewish and nonJewish) are sitting outside in the sweltering heat of the summer or freezing cold winter, asking for money. People give them money, but few people offer to get them a cold drink or hot drink. The beggars are often hesistant to take a 10 minute "break" from begging to go get themselves a drink because they'll lose money gaining opportunities during that time that they're not asking for money.
Regardless of whether or not the beggar is a nice person, (s)he is still a human being, and no human enjoys being overly hot and sweaty or freezing!
A nice thing to do is to say "can I please get you a drink?"
3. Daven For People - While On the Street!
I heard this idea from Rebbetzin kaganoff a few years ago at a summer learning session that I attended. This beautiful idea really made a strong impression on me & completely enhanced my life and ahavat yisrael. If you apply this to your life, I have no doubt that your ahavat chinam will enhance tremendously.
Always daven for people - not just during shmonah esreh!
Yes, shmona esreh is an amazing and important tefilla, but seek other opportunities to daven as well.
If you receive an e-mail or text or read a blog post/news article that someone is sick, say at least 1 perek of Tehillim. If you dont have time to say some Tehillim, you can simply say "HaShem please send this person a refua shlemah"
If you see a pregnant woman on the street, you can daven/whisper quietly while walking and say "HaShem please help her have an easy birth and healthy baby."
If you see a single, daven "G-d please send this person a good zivug."
If you see a Jew who is off the derech or not yet religious say "HaShem please help this person have opportunities to do teshuva and be close to You."
If you see a couple who are experiencing difficulty with conceiving children, you can pray "HaShem please help this couple have healthy and holy Jewish children."
Davening for strangers takes merely seconds and is just so beautiful. You establish a completely different connection and outlook towards members whom you don't know (and even ones who you do know) in am yisrael.
4. Resolve Your Issues with People But Also Stay Away!
If you have an issue/conflict with a friend or family member that can be sorted out through communication, a helpful mediator (such as a Rav or therapist), then go for it! There is a commandment that we are not allowed to hate a fellow Jew in our heart. Why does the pasuk say in "your heart"? Because you can't keep it IN. First, ideally, you should try to resolve to conflict within yourself. But if that's not doable, then calmly and rationally express your feelings to the person.
However, if for whatever reason, this is not possible or feasible, or you already tried doing so and that solution failed, then simply stay away from the people who annoy you, upset you, bring you down, etc. Once you have a distance from them, FORGIVE them & move on with your life.
There's no sin in staying away from a person who harms you, be it spiritually/religiously, emotionally, financially, physically. In fact, in most cases, it is probably a mitzvah to stay away from such an influence.
5. Give Tzdaka
Rambam teaches us that giving a little bit of tzdaka often is better than seldom giving a lot at the once. Why? Because giving tzdaka often conditions us to be giving. Humans are often habitual creations. By giving oa little bit daily or often, we get into the habit of being giving people. Giving a lot once in a while is certainly praiseworthy, but it doesn't bring out the midda of chessed and giving.
Aim to give tzdaka with kavana and a smile on your face. Even if it's "just" a penny or nickel a day in your tzdaka box at home, the very act of giving is praiseworthy! If a little bit once a day is no doable, then aim for once a week - like on Erev Shabbat. If that's not doable, aim for once a month.
Again, no amount is too little, and it's incredible how quickly and efficiently a little bit a day or once a week adds up to in a year.
Once a year, or whenever reached a certain amount, donate the money to the charity organization/cause of your choice.
Again, many of the ideas posted here is credited to Rabbi Wallerstein. Shiur is linked in my last blog post :)
May HaShem help us all work on ourselves and to have true Ahavat Chinam!
May everyone have a Shabbat Shalom u'Mevorach!
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Sinat Chinam - oy oy oy oy!
Well, my dear friends in the world of blogger, I'm back! (da na na na na! Just gotta include that tune! ;) )
I know I've written that phrase so many times, but the truth is, I'm never really gone from blogger. I check updates, and I've started blog posts so many times but then just don't get around to finishing them. I miss this blog, as I have it mainly for selfish purposes (hey, just being honest here). It gives me great chizzuk, and whoever reads it is joining me along the beautiful journey of life.
Sinat Chinam. Oy! How terrible it is. Afterall, it is due to sinat chinam that we don't have a Beit Hamikdash.
But what on earth does sinat chinam mean? And what is the cause?
Chazal teach us that the first Beit Hamikdash was destroyed due to the three cardinal sins: shfichat damim, avoda zara, and gilui arayot. Those were terrible sins, but merely 70 years later, a 2nd Beit Hamikdash was built! Despite the gravity of our sins, we were able to merit the Beit Hamikdash that we so long for now.
That means that Am Yisrael repented & HaShem forgave and gave us another chance to be close to Him. But what was the reason that the 2nd Beit Hamikdash destroyed? Sinat Chinam. And we still don't have a 3rd Temple, so that means we STILL haven't done enough teshuva and still haven't gotten rid of sinat chinam.
Wow. I mean... is sinat chinam really so much worse than murder? Worse than avoda zara?! Worse than promiscuity??
It must be, since the Temple was built relatively quickly the second time, and we're still waiting for nearly 2000 years for the 3rd Temple to be rebuilt (may it be built b'mehera b'yameinu!)
So, it is obvious that sinat chinam is a really big deal.
But did you ever wonder what sinat chinam actually is? I remember always thinking it's hating someone without a reason, but honestly, out all everyone you know - how many people just hate someone without a reason?
I don't know many.
I do know many people who hate someone because that person hurt them in some way.
So what's the deal with sinat chinam?
The quick answer is that when we don't have hakarat hatov, we have jealousy, and jealousy leads to sinat chinam.
Ready to delve into our amazing Holy Torah?
So, let's go to the very beginning...
Adam was formed from dirt. Why dirt? Because dirt has the most potential for growth, for life, for sustenance. Afterall, everything we eat grows from dirt. Vegetation is needed for all animals to surirve. Dirt is needed for trees to grow; trees that give us oxygen, paper, wood, and countless of other benefits.
But dirt is also something very low, and well, dirty (hey, the word is called DIRTy for a reason!) That is to remind us that we are "afar" - dust. We will become dust after we die...our bodies will be nothing. That should greatly humble human beings and realize that THIS WORLD is the only place where we can use our potential, since, afterall we are made of dirt. But at the same time, we should keep in mind, that our potential is not timeless, and we will soon (hopefully after 120 BH) become dust. Then our potential will be over, and the only thing we will have left in olam haba is our mitzvot that we fulfilled in this world.
Okay, so something interesting about dust.
Think of something beautiful, like gold, silver, or black marble tiles. If they are covered in dust, they aren't so beautiful anymore. The dust conceals their beauty.
That's what happens to a person when he is jealous. His jealousy will cover up anything good that he has in his life. Jealousy blinds a person. It spreads through a person's mind like an illness and slowly but surely will completely destroy the jealous person.
What does jealousy have to do with anything?
Because jealousy is ALWAYS the cause of sinat chinam.
(she doesn't look like a happy camper, does she?")
Rabbi Wallerstein once gave a shiur, and a man came up to him and said "please help me. I am jealous of so many of my friends...their businesses/parnassa, their clothes, their wives... how can I stop?"
Rabbi Wallerstein told him that his jealousy is merely a symptom of his real problem. The true basis to this man's problem is that he need a sense of self. if you're happy with yourself, then you wont care what anyone else has!
Chazal teach us "ezehu ashir? Hasameach bchelko." - "who is rich? The one who is happy with his lot."
This is just so, so, SO true. Wow. The wisdom of Chazal. How much this applies today, perhaps more than ever!
Because there will ALWAYS be someone richer. There will ALWAYS be someone more beautiful. There will ALWAYS be someone who has a "better" spouse. There will ALWAYS be someone who has more well behaved children. There will ALWAYS be someone who seems to have it better than you do.
But your reality is what you make of it. If you live your life appreciating everything you have and looking at everything in your life without comparisons, then you will slowly start to love your own life and not have any desire to live someone else's life.
There's a Mishna that says "kina motzia et haadam m'haolam" - translated as "jealousy takes out a person from this world." What does that mean? We're still alive even if we're jealous! We're still breathing, still walking, still functioning, aren't we?
This Mishna is teaching us that the person who is jealous doesn't have a sense of self. If I don't have a sense of sense, then there is no me! I'm wrongly trying to live the other person's life if I'm jealous. My thoughts will eat me up and absolutely take away any gratitude for what G-d gave ME. So therefore, I dont have me - it's like im not in this world.
We're all individuals. Every single person in the world is special and unique - there was never anyone exactly like you in the world, and there never will be! (Yes, including you! The person reading this!)
Every person has a finger print that no one else has. So just like you don't have the same finger print as anyone else, you also shouldn't have anything else to do with anyone's bank account, looks, marriage, etc.
Every individual should focus on your himself by working on making HIMSELF happy. He shouldn't work on himself by trying to compete with other people! In fact, theres no such thing as positive competition in the Torah. Whenever people try to compete, we see disasterous results, such as w/ kayin and hevel or with korach v'adato!
There's an interesting and amusing mazal that kina (jealousy) and sina (hatred) went for a walk. They met a king, and he said to kina, I'll give you anything - whatever you ask for, and I'll give sina twice the amount of whatever you ask for. kina got annoyed and exclaimed "I don't want sina to have more than me!" So, kina thought about it & came to a decision. He requested that the king to punch out his eye, so sina would then lose both eyes.
How crazy is that?!
Anyone who reads that thinks how foolish kina was. He could've gained something, but instead he lost something just so that his enemy could suffer.
That's how terrible jealousy is. Who suffers the MOST from being jealous? The person who is jealous! He is willing to harm himself just so that the other person can lose something, so that the jealous person will feel like he has more.
So, my friends, we see here how terrible jealousy is. How much it can ruin people's lives. No wonder it's part of the 10 Commandments that it's assur for us to be jealous!
And just as much as jealousy ruins a person's life, sina can also eat a person alive - literally. To the point of murder and self-destruction.
The only way to overcome jealousy, even a speck of it, is to completely zoom out of other people's lives and to focus on the GOOD in our lives.
Once we appreciate and love OURSELVES, we can do ahavat chinam with our fellow Jews. Why love ourselves first? Because a person can only give over what he has.
If I don't love myself, how can I love someone else?
An explanation of ahavat chinam, including tips, will be'ezrat HaShem be posted in the near future.
May we all merit to work on our middot and see all of the good HaShem bestows upon us, and may we me merit to see the Beit HaMikdash rebuilt in our times b'mehera b'yameinu, amen.
***I credit most of the divrei Torah here to an excellent shiur given by Rabbi Wallerstein.
I know I've written that phrase so many times, but the truth is, I'm never really gone from blogger. I check updates, and I've started blog posts so many times but then just don't get around to finishing them. I miss this blog, as I have it mainly for selfish purposes (hey, just being honest here). It gives me great chizzuk, and whoever reads it is joining me along the beautiful journey of life.
Sinat Chinam. Oy! How terrible it is. Afterall, it is due to sinat chinam that we don't have a Beit Hamikdash.
But what on earth does sinat chinam mean? And what is the cause?
Chazal teach us that the first Beit Hamikdash was destroyed due to the three cardinal sins: shfichat damim, avoda zara, and gilui arayot. Those were terrible sins, but merely 70 years later, a 2nd Beit Hamikdash was built! Despite the gravity of our sins, we were able to merit the Beit Hamikdash that we so long for now.
That means that Am Yisrael repented & HaShem forgave and gave us another chance to be close to Him. But what was the reason that the 2nd Beit Hamikdash destroyed? Sinat Chinam. And we still don't have a 3rd Temple, so that means we STILL haven't done enough teshuva and still haven't gotten rid of sinat chinam.
Wow. I mean... is sinat chinam really so much worse than murder? Worse than avoda zara?! Worse than promiscuity??
It must be, since the Temple was built relatively quickly the second time, and we're still waiting for nearly 2000 years for the 3rd Temple to be rebuilt (may it be built b'mehera b'yameinu!)
So, it is obvious that sinat chinam is a really big deal.
But did you ever wonder what sinat chinam actually is? I remember always thinking it's hating someone without a reason, but honestly, out all everyone you know - how many people just hate someone without a reason?
I don't know many.
I do know many people who hate someone because that person hurt them in some way.
So what's the deal with sinat chinam?
The quick answer is that when we don't have hakarat hatov, we have jealousy, and jealousy leads to sinat chinam.
Ready to delve into our amazing Holy Torah?
So, let's go to the very beginning...
Adam was formed from dirt. Why dirt? Because dirt has the most potential for growth, for life, for sustenance. Afterall, everything we eat grows from dirt. Vegetation is needed for all animals to surirve. Dirt is needed for trees to grow; trees that give us oxygen, paper, wood, and countless of other benefits.
But dirt is also something very low, and well, dirty (hey, the word is called DIRTy for a reason!) That is to remind us that we are "afar" - dust. We will become dust after we die...our bodies will be nothing. That should greatly humble human beings and realize that THIS WORLD is the only place where we can use our potential, since, afterall we are made of dirt. But at the same time, we should keep in mind, that our potential is not timeless, and we will soon (hopefully after 120 BH) become dust. Then our potential will be over, and the only thing we will have left in olam haba is our mitzvot that we fulfilled in this world.
Okay, so something interesting about dust.
Think of something beautiful, like gold, silver, or black marble tiles. If they are covered in dust, they aren't so beautiful anymore. The dust conceals their beauty.
That's what happens to a person when he is jealous. His jealousy will cover up anything good that he has in his life. Jealousy blinds a person. It spreads through a person's mind like an illness and slowly but surely will completely destroy the jealous person.
What does jealousy have to do with anything?
Because jealousy is ALWAYS the cause of sinat chinam.
Rabbi Wallerstein once gave a shiur, and a man came up to him and said "please help me. I am jealous of so many of my friends...their businesses/parnassa, their clothes, their wives... how can I stop?"
Rabbi Wallerstein told him that his jealousy is merely a symptom of his real problem. The true basis to this man's problem is that he need a sense of self. if you're happy with yourself, then you wont care what anyone else has!
Chazal teach us "ezehu ashir? Hasameach bchelko." - "who is rich? The one who is happy with his lot."
This is just so, so, SO true. Wow. The wisdom of Chazal. How much this applies today, perhaps more than ever!
Because there will ALWAYS be someone richer. There will ALWAYS be someone more beautiful. There will ALWAYS be someone who has a "better" spouse. There will ALWAYS be someone who has more well behaved children. There will ALWAYS be someone who seems to have it better than you do.
But your reality is what you make of it. If you live your life appreciating everything you have and looking at everything in your life without comparisons, then you will slowly start to love your own life and not have any desire to live someone else's life.
There's a Mishna that says "kina motzia et haadam m'haolam" - translated as "jealousy takes out a person from this world." What does that mean? We're still alive even if we're jealous! We're still breathing, still walking, still functioning, aren't we?
This Mishna is teaching us that the person who is jealous doesn't have a sense of self. If I don't have a sense of sense, then there is no me! I'm wrongly trying to live the other person's life if I'm jealous. My thoughts will eat me up and absolutely take away any gratitude for what G-d gave ME. So therefore, I dont have me - it's like im not in this world.
We're all individuals. Every single person in the world is special and unique - there was never anyone exactly like you in the world, and there never will be! (Yes, including you! The person reading this!)
Every person has a finger print that no one else has. So just like you don't have the same finger print as anyone else, you also shouldn't have anything else to do with anyone's bank account, looks, marriage, etc.
Every individual should focus on your himself by working on making HIMSELF happy. He shouldn't work on himself by trying to compete with other people! In fact, theres no such thing as positive competition in the Torah. Whenever people try to compete, we see disasterous results, such as w/ kayin and hevel or with korach v'adato!
There's an interesting and amusing mazal that kina (jealousy) and sina (hatred) went for a walk. They met a king, and he said to kina, I'll give you anything - whatever you ask for, and I'll give sina twice the amount of whatever you ask for. kina got annoyed and exclaimed "I don't want sina to have more than me!" So, kina thought about it & came to a decision. He requested that the king to punch out his eye, so sina would then lose both eyes.
How crazy is that?!
Anyone who reads that thinks how foolish kina was. He could've gained something, but instead he lost something just so that his enemy could suffer.
That's how terrible jealousy is. Who suffers the MOST from being jealous? The person who is jealous! He is willing to harm himself just so that the other person can lose something, so that the jealous person will feel like he has more.
So, my friends, we see here how terrible jealousy is. How much it can ruin people's lives. No wonder it's part of the 10 Commandments that it's assur for us to be jealous!
And just as much as jealousy ruins a person's life, sina can also eat a person alive - literally. To the point of murder and self-destruction.
The only way to overcome jealousy, even a speck of it, is to completely zoom out of other people's lives and to focus on the GOOD in our lives.
Once we appreciate and love OURSELVES, we can do ahavat chinam with our fellow Jews. Why love ourselves first? Because a person can only give over what he has.
If I don't love myself, how can I love someone else?
An explanation of ahavat chinam, including tips, will be'ezrat HaShem be posted in the near future.
May we all merit to work on our middot and see all of the good HaShem bestows upon us, and may we me merit to see the Beit HaMikdash rebuilt in our times b'mehera b'yameinu, amen.
***I credit most of the divrei Torah here to an excellent shiur given by Rabbi Wallerstein.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Take a second look
I looked in the mirror.
Here I am.
A young married woman. Wearing a headscarf. Wearing a long sleeved shirt, long skirt, and socks, in the hot summer-like weather.
What do I do? I learn. I daven. I work. I do laundry. I cook. I clean.
I pictured myself...for just a split second...
not on this path. Scary thought.
Who would I be? How would I act? What would I look like?
What are most 20-something year old not-yet-religious or not Jewish gals, my age, doing at this point in life?
Learning: college. Masters. PHD. Pursuing a career.
Partying at night and wearing the latest fashions.
Food is take out or instant soup or cereal.
Laundry? HA! I have no clue how to do laundry. It gets sent out once a month or her mom just does it.
Marriage isn’t really on their mind. Having kids and raising a family definitely isn’t on the list until age 30. At least!
I know. Some of you are thinking about the exceptions to the rule – hey how about this girl I know? She’s not frum, but she’s 25 and wants to get married now.
Sorry. She’s the exception. It’s simply not the norm.
Who’s the typical young woman in secular society? Beautiful, fit, fashionable, goes to the gym, educated with at least two degrees, parties but doesn’t bring her party girl spirit to the work place, open to all experiences, all viewpoints, all people, has a liberal attitude towards life, tech-savvy, sends 200 text messages a day, and of course, has an up-to-date facebook account.
As I gazed more intently into the mirror – I found myself being so grateful to HaShem. Thank YOU HaShem for saving me…I could’ve been so lost. I grew up in that world, in that type of school, social setting, family, etc. where I could be the same age right now, but on a completely different and wrong direction in life. I could be dressing immodestly, posting my pictures on facebook – just to show everyone that I was “out”, having 1000 male friends and very few, if any, real female friends, and being completely lost and trying to fill that emptiness by partying, clubbing, drinking, doing drugs, watching movies, being tech-obsessed, reading all of the latest magazines and spending a fortune on all of the latest trends, etc.
But no. That’s not my life. Thank G-d.
All these thoughts passed through my head within seconds.
Later, I shared these thoughts with my husband and said “living that life is simply a completely different reality.”
I said that knowing that's probably what many women would think about me, as well. The "religious reality" vs. actual reality.
But who really has the REAL reality?
He then shared something that made a strong impression on me:
“Sefardi Gal, HaShem gives every individual in this world a certain amount of energy and time. Everyone is going to get tired somehow. At the end of the day, everyone has 24 hours a day. We choose how to spend it.”
That means…
Everyone has to go to work. Everyone has to get dressed. Everyone has to eat, speak, function, etc.
But HOW each individual does these seemingly mundane acts makes the difference between holiness and haughtiness. Clarity and confusion. Fulfilment and emptiness.
So, yes, everyone needs clothing. I need clothes. But what kind of clothes do I wear? Are they modest? Do I wear them just because everyone else does, or because this is truly the way I believe and know that a person is supposed to dress.
Yes, I need to speak and communicate. But what kind of words do I use? Do I speak with a harsh tone, do I go around gossiping, speaking lashon hara, cursing, insulting others, etc.? Or do I speak pleasantly, kindly, honestly, positively?
I’m not sure if I’m conveying the point well enough. It hit me like a ton of bricks.
We are allotted so many gifts in this world. We choose whether to properly use them, abuse them, or not use them at all.
A Jew should always strive to use his gifts as much as possible. To use every emotion, every body part, every status, every part of himself to serve HaShem in the best way possible. To elevate everything and everyone around him. To make mundane acts become wondrous, holy acts that lead him to be closer to HaShem yitbarach.
May we take this outlook and apply it during this incredible new year of 5773. A belated Shana Tova to all!
I will try to update this blog more often, but I must say bli neder because…well…
I’ll be busy doing laundry and cooking aka striving to upgrade the mundane to holiness :D
Shabbat Shalom!
Here I am.
A young married woman. Wearing a headscarf. Wearing a long sleeved shirt, long skirt, and socks, in the hot summer-like weather.
What do I do? I learn. I daven. I work. I do laundry. I cook. I clean.
I pictured myself...for just a split second...
not on this path. Scary thought.
Who would I be? How would I act? What would I look like?
What are most 20-something year old not-yet-religious or not Jewish gals, my age, doing at this point in life?
Learning: college. Masters. PHD. Pursuing a career.
Partying at night and wearing the latest fashions.
Food is take out or instant soup or cereal.
Laundry? HA! I have no clue how to do laundry. It gets sent out once a month or her mom just does it.
Marriage isn’t really on their mind. Having kids and raising a family definitely isn’t on the list until age 30. At least!
I know. Some of you are thinking about the exceptions to the rule – hey how about this girl I know? She’s not frum, but she’s 25 and wants to get married now.
Sorry. She’s the exception. It’s simply not the norm.
Who’s the typical young woman in secular society? Beautiful, fit, fashionable, goes to the gym, educated with at least two degrees, parties but doesn’t bring her party girl spirit to the work place, open to all experiences, all viewpoints, all people, has a liberal attitude towards life, tech-savvy, sends 200 text messages a day, and of course, has an up-to-date facebook account.
As I gazed more intently into the mirror – I found myself being so grateful to HaShem. Thank YOU HaShem for saving me…I could’ve been so lost. I grew up in that world, in that type of school, social setting, family, etc. where I could be the same age right now, but on a completely different and wrong direction in life. I could be dressing immodestly, posting my pictures on facebook – just to show everyone that I was “out”, having 1000 male friends and very few, if any, real female friends, and being completely lost and trying to fill that emptiness by partying, clubbing, drinking, doing drugs, watching movies, being tech-obsessed, reading all of the latest magazines and spending a fortune on all of the latest trends, etc.
But no. That’s not my life. Thank G-d.
All these thoughts passed through my head within seconds.
Later, I shared these thoughts with my husband and said “living that life is simply a completely different reality.”
I said that knowing that's probably what many women would think about me, as well. The "religious reality" vs. actual reality.
But who really has the REAL reality?
He then shared something that made a strong impression on me:
“Sefardi Gal, HaShem gives every individual in this world a certain amount of energy and time. Everyone is going to get tired somehow. At the end of the day, everyone has 24 hours a day. We choose how to spend it.”
That means…
Everyone has to go to work. Everyone has to get dressed. Everyone has to eat, speak, function, etc.
But HOW each individual does these seemingly mundane acts makes the difference between holiness and haughtiness. Clarity and confusion. Fulfilment and emptiness.
So, yes, everyone needs clothing. I need clothes. But what kind of clothes do I wear? Are they modest? Do I wear them just because everyone else does, or because this is truly the way I believe and know that a person is supposed to dress.
Yes, I need to speak and communicate. But what kind of words do I use? Do I speak with a harsh tone, do I go around gossiping, speaking lashon hara, cursing, insulting others, etc.? Or do I speak pleasantly, kindly, honestly, positively?
I’m not sure if I’m conveying the point well enough. It hit me like a ton of bricks.
We are allotted so many gifts in this world. We choose whether to properly use them, abuse them, or not use them at all.
A Jew should always strive to use his gifts as much as possible. To use every emotion, every body part, every status, every part of himself to serve HaShem in the best way possible. To elevate everything and everyone around him. To make mundane acts become wondrous, holy acts that lead him to be closer to HaShem yitbarach.
May we take this outlook and apply it during this incredible new year of 5773. A belated Shana Tova to all!
I will try to update this blog more often, but I must say bli neder because…well…
I’ll be busy doing laundry and cooking aka striving to upgrade the mundane to holiness :D
Shabbat Shalom!
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